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Heartbreak Anonymous: Relationship Advice

Our experts tackle some tough relationship questions.

By Entertainment, Featured

Header by Jade Sheng.

Q: My ex and I broke up 22 years ago, on friendly terms. We used to work in the same industry, and recently, I ran into her again at her workplace (a big white room in which she sits around and stares at people). I was really glad to see her, and she seemed happy to see me, but she also started crying. What’s my next move? 

Sincerely, 

Performing Love

A: Dear Performing Love,

Relationships are like scaling a wall without knowing what’s on the other side. Do you ever feel a competitive streak between you and your beloved? It might be time to focus on yourself, live in the present, emancipate your identity from your e. You might even want to file a lawsuit against her in 5 years or so. Rest assured, no wall can go on forever, and few are as tall as they seem.

Q: I have everything I’ve ever wanted — fame, money, a beautiful family with a reality TV show of their own. But I feel like I’m at a crossroads. I just wanna feel liberated!  Should I go back to college, rebrand myself on Twitter as a Trump fanatic, or run for president? 

Sincerely, 

Bound 2 Self-Sabotage

A: Dear Bound 2 Self-Sabotage,

This might be a tall order, even for Jesus. They tell us that true liberation is found within, but that’s a lie. You need wide open spaces, a libertarian taxation structure, small town philosophy, maybe a couple of horses. Whatever you do, keep up the PARTYNEXTDOOR features (please, for the rest of us). 

Q: People are mocking my art hate my baby daddy so much. It’s not my fault he wants to evade taxes by colonizing Mars. Do I think it will ever happen? I mean, that’s up to the simulation and the rendering capacity of labor power on his venture-capital-backed AI vibe farms (which absolutely do not exist yet). 

Sincerely,

01110110101

A: Dear 01110110101

I have a proposition for you. It seems that your appreciation for power is incompatible with your own self-perception. Is there a chance that you’re clinging to youth with a fervor so intense that people find you rife for satire? There’s really no need to be defensive though. Allow your baby daddy to humiliate himself (he probably doesn’t need your help).

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