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It’s My Party and I’ll Run if I Want to

These people usually know they don’t have a chance in Hades, but they’ll be darned if they don’t try.

By Uncategorized

Third-Party Presidential Candidates

Illustration by Eric Garcia

Take a look at these third-party options for U.S. President

Like many Americans, we here at F Newsmagazine are counting the days until the nation’s least popular president since Richard Nixon is out of office. And, yes, there are many, many days until that happens. In the meantime, we’re mulling the options. There’s that Mormon with really handsome sons, the New Yorker who takes a lot of credit for the city’s recovery after 9-11 and that Democrat who ran with John Kerry in 2004. Hmm. We might resort to choosing one of those wealthy Dems with Illinois roots. If nothing in that selection tickles your fancy, may we suggest a third-party candidate? These people usually know they don’t have a chance in Hades, but they’ll be darned if they don’t try!* Take a look:

Don J.Grundmann – Consitution Party
Grundmann doesn’t want you to drink the Kool-Aid. He just wants you to “Take the red pill!” That’s his motto, at least. Grundman is a super-fan of the movie The Matrix, which he references heavily in his explanation of the Robert Kennedy assassination cover-up. Hint: That Palestinian immigrant Sirhan Bishara Sirhan didn’t do it!

Mike Jingozian – Libertarian Party
Jingozian just wants to protect our freedom and our future. You know, get the government out of our business. His slogan is “Reset America,” and as a “pioneer in the field of holistic management,” we know he’ll find that darned button that can take us back to a time when there was actually a reason to support the second amendment.**

Paul Kangas – Green Party
Just watch this guy on YouTube
Speaking of the Kennedys, why not jail former president Herbert Walker Bush for the assassination of the beloved former president John Fitzgerald Kennedy? That’s Paul Kangas’ proposal. This begs the question: What’s up with Kennedy assassination conspiracies as campaign platforms? Clearly, Kangas thinks he’s
on to something: “Now, with the internet, we can hold a trial of Bush and allow the Jury to see all the evidence,” his website says.

Gene Amondson – Prohibition Party
This guy not only wears a priest costume, he once appeared on the The Daily Show AND he wants to ban alcohol. ’Nuf said.

*These candidates have yet to be nominated by their
respective parties as of press time.

**The second amendment is the right to bear arms.

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