April 13th, 2009
Well, boys and girls, the prospect of finding a job out of art school was pretty dismal from the beginning, so if you’ve been following the news recently, you are aware that things aren’t looking any better. But don’t hit the panic button just yet! Here are some tips that will enable you to earn a little extra money while still retaining your gag reflex.
1. Balloon Fetish Video Production
According to the source of all contemporary knowledge (i.e., Wikipedia), balloon fetishism was until very recently a virtually unknown phenomenon. The Internet has provided a forum for “looners,” as they are apparently called, to meet people of like fetish and exchange videos.
Reasons you should start producing balloon fetish videos: 1) I’m sure the market isn’t as saturated as it is with foot fetish videos or even adult baby fetishism. Capitalize on this unique opportunity while you still have the chance to become the Walt Disney of Balloon Fetish “Porn.” 2) There was, in the videos I reviewed (STRICTLY as part of my research, I promise you) no nudity whatsoever. 3) No economic hardship can ever curb the demand for esoteric masturbatory material: videos of girls inflating balloons are, quite possibly, the most wholesome means of supplying it.
2. Three words: Bath-Tub-Gin
Brew your own booze, and convert your apartment into a makeshift speakeasy. All you need is a friend who can play hot jazz piano, and slutty friends to form a burlesque troupe. Party like it’s 1929!
3. Take it to the streets
Your art, that is. Obtain a permit, and begin performing on the streets.
Change accumulates quickly. Befriend the gentlemen who beat on buckets, and the “puppet bike.” Collaborations are always a possibility. Don’t get shacked.
4. Run inventive scams?
I knew this kid in middle school who used to sell pencil shavings as pot. Clearly, this isn’t going to fly with the more discerning upper classmen (I’m never making that mistake again). Thanks to the $40,000 hazing ritual this school calls its “First Year Program,” you’ll have a new batch of freshman to swindle out of their money every semester.
5. Lemonade stand?…because everyone likes lemonade.
6. Sing “You”
I was talking to this guy who had worked for a period of time as a lounge singer. He told me, “Deano never figured it out. Sammy never figured it out. But Frank? Frank knew. When you’re singing to the girls, you never refer to them by name. You always say ‘you.’ That way, every single girl in whatever place you’re singing thinks you’re singing for her. You’ll make millions.”
7. Artistic Piracy. Yarr!
Intellectual property, shmintellectual property. The distinction between what has been authored and what has been appropriated is…well, there’s a fluid line. To reduce material expenses, purchase cheap reproductions of famous portraits and deface them. “Rip” videos off of Youtube, edit them in an interesting way and set it to novelty music that is now in the public domain. Go to an antique shop in Ohio, purchase something technologically obsolete and put it in a gallery.
8. Remember Ed Hopper’s tactics?
You do a sketch of someone’s house, and then try to convince the occupants of the house to pay you to do a full painting of their home.
Why the hell would you want a painting of your house, within your house? That’s another discussion entirely. What Hopper was doing is in the same realm as the shoe shiners in Chicago. You find someone, perform a task for them that they did not ask you to perform, and persuade them to pay you for it (pretty sweet, huh?).
9. Play to your strengths
Are you a musician? Provide the soundtracks for the films other art students are making. Charge them. Are you a photographer? Document other students’ work. Charge them. There’s got to be some unique talent you posses that other students would be willing to pay you for.
10. Well…Who needs a gag reflex anyway?
Go to www.sugardaddyforme.com or www.Milf-Date.com, depending on your preference.