Illustration by Katie Wittenberg.

Jezebel recently published an article titled “A List of Good Cat Names.” I would like to respond with a list of bad cat names. Much like the Jezebel list, this list is indisputable. These names sound bad because they are bad.

• Persephone (the legal name of my cat)
• Anything that’s an Instagram filter
• Instagram
• Creamed Corn
• Realty
• Taxes
• Any curse word
• Microsoft Office Suite
• Monosodium Glutamate
• Glue
• Any body part
• Papadopoulos
• Tampon
• Christ Redeemer
• Arie Luyendyk Jr.
• Epidermoid
• Any type of medication
• Wank
• Pissant
• Kardashian
• Walrus
• National Public Radio
• Bethany Krinklequeef (anonymous submission)
• Donald
• Ivanka
• Ivana
• Melania
• Eric
• Jared
• Don Jr.
• Huckabee Sanders
• Loin
• Marlon Bundo
• Vegetarian Women’s Multi Once Daily Vitamin
• Dog
• F Newsmagazine
• Farcical
• Ali Cat