Illustration by Priyoshi Kapur

Nickelback, a band named for the coin you find stuck to a clump of gum in the bottom of your purse, has a new album. The album, “Feed the Machine”, sounds like what would happen if you put a Transformers DVD and a metal CD into a garbage disposal. While reviewers have called the album “ Heavy,” let’s not forget who made it in the first place. Nickelback has been criticized in the past for being extremely misogynistic and just plain uncomfortable to listen to. Former lover of Avril Lavigne and human equivalent of a gas station sandwich Chad Kroeger, regularly disparages other artists in his genre for lacking the commercial success that Nickelback has seen, despite the band’s utter lack of critical success.

Do yourself a favor and stay away from this album. If you’re not at all interested in listening to Nickelback, buy yourself an ice cream and continue enjoying your day. If you’re having trouble showing yourself some love and staying far, far away from Nickelback, try some of my tips below.

If You’re Tempted to Listen to “Feed the Machine:”

1. Give yourself a hug, you probably need it.
2. Take a walk. Let the beauty of nature distract you from the horrors of Chad Kroeger.
3. Try listening to a playlist of your choosing that does not include Nickelback. 
4. Eat some ramen noodles to stave off any desire to listen to the Ramen Noodle Man’s sorry excuse for music.
5. Listen to Avril Lavigne. If you really need some angsty early ‘2000s-esque sounds to get you through the day, try exploring the discography of Chad Kroeger’s estranged wife, Avril Lavigne. She’s not great, but she’s slightly better than Nickelback. 
6. Dive into your local music scene. Chicago, in particular, has many quality bands that are way better than Nickelback and need your support far more.
7. Permanently plug your ears. If you can’t hear their album, you’re safe from it.
8. Look back at photos of yourself from Nickelback’s heyday. Most of us did some things in 2001 that we wouldn’t want to repeat, music taste included.
9. Start going to shows early enough to hear openers. Many great artists started out by opening for larger bands. Find new music through what you already buy tickets to see.
10. Run until you can’t focus on anything other than muscle pain.
11. Start listening to podcasts. If you really need something to listen to but want to avoid bad music, try a narrative podcast or talk radio show. “S Town” and “Serial” are good places to start.
12. Treat yo’ self! Get your nails done, take a bubble bath, do a face mask, eat some chocolate! Find something that makes you feel happy and self-loving.
13. Read a book! Bad music is super distracting when you’re trying to read. So, put Spotify away and dive into a good book.
14. Take a moment to appreciate that you aren’t in the band Nickelback. Because, why would you want to have to deal with that?
15. Binge watch something on Netflix. I recommend “The Keepers” and “The Office” if you haven’t already seen them.

It doesn’t really matter what you do, just don’t listen to Nickelback. You can try and convince yourself that they’re okay, but it just isn’t true. You can claim that it’s nostalgic, or that “How You Remind Me” is an alright song, but no excuse is sufficient. Just choose to love yourself, instead of Chad Kroeger.