illustration by Sophie Lucido Johnson

Hey There Students at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago (SAIC)!

Before you blindly archive this email, you should know: THERE IS MALWARE-FREE, FULL-LENGTH PORN IN THIS MESSAGE that you can have FOR FREE — you’ll just have to read to the end to access it. (Don’t skip anything! I could have put the porn anywhere in the body of this text. It could be right here, for example; but it’s not.)

As you know — because your inboxes undoubtedly fill up every day before you’re even awake with announcements to this effect — it is the season of end-of-year showcases and gallery openings. You probably have to go to at least two already, because three of your friends are in one, and someone you want to sleep with is in another one. Trust me, I get it. Last year I went to 12 — that’s right 12 — separate gallery shows and I didn’t score so much as a make-out. Whereas I am sending this email out to the entire student body, and I am an introvert with only 46 Facebook friends (including the ones from high school, and my parents), it is overwhelmingly likely that you don’t even know who I am. But that should not deter you from coming to see my gallery show. I am pretty sure that this gallery show will have something for all of you.

You’re asking: OK, what kind of art do you make? Great question, you. I make ALL KINDS of art. In my time at SAIC I couldn’t really commit to a single artistic concentration, per se. I’ve been telling people my concentration is “creative expression,” or if I’m feeling funny, “dreams of the heart.” This show will feature partially-clothed figure drawings; abstract oil paintings; watercolors of Victorian English landscapes; a record player I put inside a soundproof box with Beethoven’s Ninth playing backward on it on loop; several clay balls; a small blanket woven from the hairs of my enemies (and yarn); a poem about Donald Trump, love, and genocide displayed backward; A hunk of metal that looks like it could have come from a junk yard but actually took me six months of painstaking labor to complete; a performance art piece that will seem like just regular people observing the art work; intentional paint splatters on the ground; and the word “Typography Letter Press Book” written in Sharpie and suspended from the ceiling.

Some people have asked me if there is going to be an interactive element to my gallery opening. Good question. Do you want there to be one? Because there can totally be one. It can be an aggressive one — like a time when the lights go out and we all observe five minutes of political silence — or it could be an optional one. Once at a summer camp thing I went to someone hung up a piece of parchment paper and labeled it “Parking Lot.” People were allowed to write down any questions they had on the “Parking Lot.” I don’t know why it was called a “Parking Lot” but it seemed like a pretty fun name to me. We could do something like that! Just email me back and let me know if you have a preference either way, and/or if a participatory element would make or break your decision to come to the opening.

My work is soon to be critically acclaimed. That’s something my grandmother said, so you know it has to be true because it’s objective fact that people over 80 can see into the future. As a bonus incentive, my mom said, “You’d better get a lot of people to come to this thing because it’s probably the last time your work will be displayed anywhere publicly.” Sure, that’s a little insulting, but you could also read it as a “last chance” sort of label.

Finally, I’m going to have all kinds of free cookies. Really: I’m planning on going next-level with the cookies. In addition to regular and normal cookies, there will be vegan cookies, gluten-free cookies, sugar-free cookies, paleo-friendly cookies, cookies that are good for pescatarians but not vegetarians, farm-to-table cookies, and computer cookies. (“Computer cookies” was a joke — ha ha — but seriously, I’m going to have every type of cookie.) The gallery where I’m showing my work is a strictly-no-alcohol venue, but they don’t check your bag or anything, so go ahead and bring a flask. If you bring me a receipt for the drinks you bought, I’ll be sure to reimburse you.

If you aren’t convinced that you should go yet, know this: I am planning on stripping out of 100 percent of my clothes at 8 p.m. sharp. Do I have a hot body? I don’t know, I guess you’ll just have to show up to find out.

Oh, and if you were reading this email only because you were promised free porn: I’m sorry, SAIC wouldn’t let me send out an email to the whole student body that had free porn in it. But I promise this is the only thing I have ever lied about, and I only did it because I truly care about you, reader, and want to see you out there at my sophisticated, free-cookies-having gallery opening.