Illustration by Allison O’Flinn

Make Your Food Drunk, Irish, or Both

There are so many reasons to look forward to March: spring (everywhere but in Chicago), Bisexual Health Awareness Month (although it’s also an excuse for the occasional pseudo art kids to boast about how they eat both V and D), and of course, St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not that I’m not excited about pre-spring or a bunch of strangers making sure that I know that they are sexually liberated, but the opportunity to drench my food with Guinness and Baileys beats everything.

Like Sam Smith whines, “I know I am not the only one,” so here are savory and sweet options to get your food drunk this month:

Guinness and Cheddar Dip

(Recipe courtesy of The Parsley Thief for the Wisconsin Cheese Board)

8 ounces cream cheese

2 1/2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese

1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

2 tablespoons of salt

1/4 cup Guinness

2 scallions, chopped

2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

In a food processor, combine the cream cheese, dijon mustard, salt and cheddar cheese. Pulse until it all comes together as a homogenous, whitish mush, a bit like the 2015 Oscars. Pour in the Guinness, and then down the rest of the can like the Irish national that you wish you were. Blend it all until it is looking nice and smooth then add the parsley and the scallions and pulse a few more times. If you like spices and hot stuff — like most people who are not actually Irish would — you can add a bit of hot sauce (I personally think that paprika always works great in dips). Put it all in a bowl and reserve in the fridge for at least an hour. I know, waiting sucks. Kill time with a few more cans of Guinness and discuss the environmental impact of dying a whole fucking river bright green just for a day. Serve with crackers or whatever else you have around the house.

Quick and Easy BaBaHaze (Baileys Banana Hazelnut) Cake

Ingredients:

4 bananas

4 handful of hazelnuts (raw, no shell)

2 eggs

3 1/2 ounces of butter

1 and 1/4 cups of sugar

1 cup of flour

2 teaspoons of baking powder

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

7 oz of Baileys Irish Cream (that’s a minimum dose you guys – use as much as you need)

Alright! If your hazelnuts are whole, put them in a cloth and hammer them (or hit them hard with whatever heavy utensil you can find around you) to break them into tiny pieces. Peel the bananas and throw them into a blender along with the crushed hazelnuts, eggs, and Baileys. Blend until smooth. Then add butter (melt it beforehand; 30 seconds in the microwave should do it), the sugar, vanilla extract, flour and baking powder. Blend again until perfectly smooth. Pour it all in a buttered, oven safe dish and make sure that it is shallow enough so you don’t end up with a BaBaHaze atomic mushroom (they look fun but are a bitch to clean up). Cook for about 45 minutes at 200°.

Vegan option: Eat a fucking shamrock bouquet and drink water.