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Blame Mercury Retrograde

Mercury Retrograde is a perfect time to leave your lover. Here are F Newsmagazine’s 12 different ways to break up, all based on obsolete and forgotten constellations.

By Entertainment

12 Ways To Leave Your Lover

“Mercury must be in retrograde” has become a popular catch-all translation for “everything is fucked up right now.” Astrologers assert that when celestial bodies go retrograde, the themes that they symbolize become amplified to the point where the weaknesses associated with those areas begin to show up in our daily lives. Generally, Mercury Retrograde cycles last about three weeks and happen three to four times per year; the next one is in the sign of Aquarius, starting on January 21 and ending on February 11.

Mercury governs communications, travel, and technology, so Mercury Retrograde periods often see more instances of transportation delays, scheduling mishaps, media snafus, conversations gone awry, lost emails and computer crashes. It is also a time when it is more likely for contracts and partnerships to dissolve and for couples to break up. The timing on this cycle is especially potent considering Valentine’s Day is right on its tail.

One great thing about breaking up during Mercury Retrograde is that you can readily blame your deep-seated problems on a routine astrological event! Last year, we crafted a zodiac of obsolete, archaic and historically ignored constellations that felt more fitting to an art school community than the more established twelve-sign system. We’ve revived it here to outline how each sign approaches love and offer some shortcuts for getting out of romantic relationships during the retrograde.

Illustrations by Jordan Whitney Martin

The Printing Press // January 20–February 19

You have a massive media collection and know your way around obscure pop culture references. Although you can be rather quiet and shy, you consistently blow your partners’ minds, both between your artistic prowess and with your talents between the sheets. Most of your romantic relationships end, however, because of your timidness to be vulnerable and to express your true desires.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
“Borrow” your beau’s favorite records and “forget” to give them back.



The Lock of Hair // February 20–March 20

You have no shortage of fans and admirers, and you know it. A dreamer at heart, your approach to love borders on naïve, which can be either charming or infuriating, depending on your partner. Your overly friendly interactions often come across as outright flirting, which quickly leads to misunderstandings and jealousy.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
Try to seduce your partner’s best friend, then laugh it off as a “social experiment.”


The Sculpture // March 21–April 20

Innocence turns you on, and you have some serious talent for finding the beauty in the everyday. While you are comfortable sticking to your sexual routine, you are not afraid to venture into uncharted bedroom territory and explore your deep-seated desires. Your motivation for professional success can turn away those who feel threatened by your boundless energy.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
Neglect to return your partner’s phone calls and texts, then respond that you have been “too busy” to stay in touch.



The Microscope // April 21–May 20

You are all about attention to detail, and your talents come from your editor’s eye. With no qualms about voicing your dissatisfaction and opinions, you readily attract partners with a masochistic side, but their inability to match your quick-wittedness quickly bores you. Your breakups often stem from partners telling you that you are too mean.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
Publish a critique of your partner’s latest accomplishment on your blog and then share it with all of your mutual friends.


The Owl // May 21–June 20

Most of your sex appeal is rooted in your sultry demeanor and penchant for playing tricks, a combination that drives people nuts (usually in a good way). Your breakups stem from your ability to keep secrets a little too well for your own good, resulting in your partners becoming frustrated by your lack of openness.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
“Neglect” to tell your partner about all of your other current partners.


The Clock // June 21–July 22

Your acute awareness of the effervescence of life and your constant questioning of reality make you exude the allure of a mad genius. Your relationships usually dissolve as the result of too many hours in the studio working on massive projects and neglecting your partners’ increasingly irate text messages.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
Drop your smart phone in a vat of liquid nitrogen and fail to replace it.


The Unicorn // July 23–August 22

While charismatic, you are also highly sensitive about your appearance and take great strides to craft a colorful persona. You usually attract more meek partners looking to bask in your bright personality, resulting in the less-than-fitting ones growing tired of your natural talents for your work being discovered and applauded.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
Constantly flaunt your many positive gallery reviews and backlog of SAIC Secret Admirers posts.


The Easel // August 23–September 22

You are supportive and flexible when it comes to discussing others’ ideas, but take critique of your own work rather hard and prefer collaborative projects instead of going it alone. Your romantic interests are looking for a partner-in-crime, but your submissive nature often frustrates your mates.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
Consistently complain about your lack of choices, even though you’ve landed two fellowships and an all-expenses paid artist retreat.


The Cat // September 23–October 22

Your heart is giving and you are extremely loyal, although you are quite quick to anger. Curious and inquisitive, you attract lovers who admire your fiery, action-oriented view of the world and look to you for emotional support. Your lack of patience for anyone who is not up to par with your fierce independence is often your reason for ditching partnerships.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
Berate your partner for a lack of ambition, then insist that you help them design a self-improvement regimen.


The Hot Air Balloon // October 23–November 22

An insatiable wanderlust grips your imagination, manifesting in spontaneous adventures both near and far. You work comfortably in nearly any situation thanks to your easygoing nature and love of history. Your partners find you irresistible because of your quirky, anachronistic lens on the world, but the wrong matches will quickly tire of your dreamy demeanour.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
Embark on a one-way trip to Iceland to research fishing folklore but fail to invite your partner, let alone tell them that you have left.


The Furnace // November 23–December 21

You revel in clever ways to rile people up and will fearlessly take on subversive projects. Your rebellious nature makes you irresistible to a wide array of romantic interests, but only the strong ones can keep up with your need for attention and quick-fire temper. Your breakups are usually the result of both emotional and sexual burnout.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
Pretend to mistakenly leak your sex tape only to later reveal that it was a fully intentional “artistic statement.”


The Drafting Triangle // December 22–January 19

Never one to outwardly break the rules, you have a tendency to overplan all of your endeavours and especially your romantic relationships. You attract partners looking for some stability and structure, which you unabashedly provide. However, your overthinking of your love life leads to anxiety and stress, which in turn drives away your more easygoing beaus.

Best way to sabotage your relationship:
Stalk your partner’s social media feeds and leave overly sweet comments on every photo, post and tweet.

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