Illustration by Katie Wittenberg

In September of 2012 – a dark time for those of us who are presently between the ages of 18 and 25 (as we were then in the throes of ages 10-17, yikes) – the worst piece ever published by F Newsmagazine hit the web. The publishing of a chart stolen from Tumblr and titled “Here Follows a List of Demons and Their Sigils of Summoning” (aptly abbreviated to “Demons”) is the single most annoying and haunting (pun intended) moment in F’s 35-year history. Since its publishing eight years ago, “Demons” has remained the single most popular article on the F Newsmagazine website.

Not to brag, but F Newsmagazine is an award-winning paper. A graphic that was taken from social media and published with no copy or context doesn’t exactly meet our journalistic standards. While it’d be flattering to have an article so poignant that it’s repeatedly read by hundreds of adoring followers, “Demons” is not that. It’s only maintained popularity because its comments section has become a social network for two types of people: those wishing to summon demons and those wishing to condemn anyone who believes a Tumblr chart can teach you to connect with the other side.

I can’t explain how the comments section of what is essentially a plagiarized teen angst drawing reposted on a college newspaper’s website has amassed over 1,300 hits and 130 comments. I can say that much joy is derived from reading through the new comments that appear each week.

In no particular order, here follows a list of the most interesting exchanges in the comments section of “Demons”:

GREG (September 21, 2017 at 10:10 AM): What has this demon done for you since?

DEAMON (February 20, 2018 at 2:17 PM): It tried to kill me twice in the form of a fat dude and a maniac. …

STEWARD (June 30, 2017 at 2:13 AM): BECAUSE LUCIFER IS NOT A DEMON IT IS A FALLEN ANGEL

MEEP (June 12, 2018 at 5:16 PM): thANK YOU. And he was one of heavens sexiest, to be factual, I’m just saying.

RIHANNA (November 4, 2017 at 1:59 AM): …  i was wondering if you guys can advice on who to summon?thank you.

DEAMON (February 19, 2018 at 11:46 PM): Astaroth. He is a hell of a drinker but is also the demon of power, so speak clearly, Develop Mind Armor because he is going to use Fear, a standard mind attack that will have you running away from nothing, also practice what you are going to say because demons love loopholes. Have fun!!!

MIMI (June 4, 2018 at 11:28 AM): Its interesting you mentioned Astaroth… someone sent him to me in a black magic attack.. I haven’t seen him in a bit… but I do have quite a few videos with him talking..

JUSTICE (February 19, 2018 at 10:38 PM): I honestly want to know how to summon one of these guys. …

DEAMON (February 20, 2018 at 1:52 PM): Draw a pentangle (whatever size you want but it depends on what size the demon will be) make a ring of salt around it (to make sure it does not kill you or fly/run/swim away) and say the incantation to summon it. Then if you said it right a demon will come out. WARNING: the demon will try to kill you if you are rude or demanding. Remember, these wondrous entities are far older and more cunning than you.

MR.NONAME (March 25, 2017 at 11:59 PM): … i don’t follow Satan but i am losing faith in God so i am looking at serving a demon as their body in this world i am going to take their commands if i am to kill so be it,if i am to steal so be it,if i am to lie well that is easy but i will do what they say i have no meaning. this world is already Satan’s.

VINCENT (May 14, 2017 at 3:45 PM): STOP. The way that you are thinking almost certainly has to do with the idiots opening demonic portals in this world. We are in the end times. Don’t let demons influence you. …

ZALGO (November 2, 2017 at 3:54 AM): though demons may not like anyone they still know each other and most likely like each other. however they had to meet each other before they can make those assumptions, so if they meet you, and they like how you are and what you do, than they might like you too.

DEAMON (February 20, 2018 at 2:03 PM): It will kill you you realise that? Oh and you will also go to Hell when you die.

LAYNEE (January 28, 2018 at 11:15 PM):

…  I renounce all contacts with Witchcraft, White Magic, Black Magic, Voodoo, Dungeons & Dragons (used for advanced training of witches), Spiritist, Black Mass, Ouija boards and other occult games.

I renounce all kinds of fortune telling, tea leaf reading, coffee ground reading, palm reading (Chiromancy), crystal balls, Contumacy (tarot and other card) playing, all dependency on astrology, biorhythm and feedback, Irisology (fortune telling by the iris of the eye), birth signs and horoscopes, spirit guides or counselors, pendulum swinging, false cults and wearing charm earrings.

I renounce all water witching or dowsing, levitation, body-lifting, table tipping, automatic handwriting and handwriting analysis. … I renounce all transcendental meditation, yoga, Zen, all eastern cults and religions, mysticism, idol worship and false religions. … I renounce all forms of the martial arts, including judo, Kung fu, and Karate.

I renounce all literature I have ever read and studied in all of these fields and I will destroy such books in my possession. … in the name of Jesus Christ my Savior. …   – Amen. …

LUCIFER (October 9, 2018 at 10:17 PM):

By the symbols of the creator

I swear henceforth to be

A faithful servant …

I deny Jesus Christ, the deceiver

And I abjure the Christian faith …

Open wide the gates of Hell

And come forth from the abyss

By these names: Satan, Leviathan,

Belial, Lucifer

I will kiss the goat

I swear to give my mind

My body and soul unreservedly

To the furtherance of our

Lord Satan designs …

Frequent commenter “Deamon” could not be contacted as the email they have associated with their screen-name is not real. Perhaps they are, in fact, a demon.