Illustration by Hannah Sun
I once drank three smoothies in one Sunday and never felt more alive. Unfortunately, the Loop has a startling lack of smoothie places, so I’ve ranked my smoothie experiences here for all of you to enjoy the most smoothie pleasure possible.
Peach and Green:
They have my fave smoothies of all time. They are super liquidy, though, so that may not be your thing. But I like that they’re light and refreshing, and they make me feel like I’m walking on a beach while I trudge through Chicago street slush. Honestly their only downfall, for me, is that they’re closed on Sundays, which is my peak smoothie consumption day.
Red Mango:
This is a new favorite because they are open on Sundays and the smoothie I had today was great. They’re located kind of sketchily in Millenium Station, so the ambiance is not excellent, but my smoothie had a metabolic boost. I’ve never felt more boosted.
Protein Bar:
I’ve never actually had a smoothie here, since they are also closed on Sundays. But, I have heard from at least one friend that “they’re like thick and almost rich, they’re not like that watered down shit.”
Smoothies I make in my office:
I have to be in my office on Sundays sometimes, and how am I supposed to get any work done without a smoothie? With my roommate’s blender and ingredients from home, I am my own independent smoothie consumer that doesn’t need your bullshit capitalism. Closed on Sundays my ass! My new smoothie shop is called Smoothies Under Socialism, open only on Sundays.
Panera Bread:
They day I visited Panera was the particular single Sunday when I drank three smoothies. On my second smoothie run to Panera, I ordered a Green Goddess smoothie. They handed me a pink concoction. I stood there in shock, totally unaware of how to handle the situation. The girl looked at me and asked if I wanted the receipt. I said sure, even though that obviously wasn’t the problem. Then I waited with my receipt in hand that read “Green Goddess smoothie” wondering how this girl could repeat to me the words “green,” ”goddess,” and “smoothie” while handing me this pink drink. She asked me what the problem was. I somehow managed to stutter out, “um it’s pink?”
To which she responded, all cool and calm: “That’s the color our smoothies are.”
I left trying so hard not to laugh, because how was I supposed to argue with that flawless logic. Never mind the fact that a smoothie literally is just fruits and vegetables blended together; there should be no point in the process in which all smoothies become pink. It was an okay strawberry banana smoothie though. I went to a smoothie place in Rogers Park on my way home to collect myself.
