Illustration by Hannah Sun.

In 2017, F+ editor Emily Rich asked me to come up with five ideas that weren’t completely terrible; it took me a year, but here they are.

1. Shrimp Heist

Eat the rich, and all of their cocktail shrimp. In order to properly execute a shrimp heist you will need the following supplies: one trendy backpack, two large gallon-sized plastic bags, and a proximal invite to a fancy cocktail party. Once you’re at said party, have one of your friends start loudly talking about their paleo diet and/or Gwyneth Paltrow to distract the rich people in question. Then, sneak over to wherever light snacks are served, spy that delicious tower of succulent cocktail shrimp, and dump it into one of the plastic bags. Use the second plastic bag as a cocktail sauce receptacle. Stuff those bags into your trendy backpack, grab your friend, and bolt. Think of this as the ultimate act of public service — noble even. You’re giving shrimp to the shrimpless. On the Lyft back to your apartment, bask in your shrimp bounty and know that you may make minimum wage, but you have the most shrimp.

2. A subscription box service that sends you a skincare routine that corresponds to your Netflix account

Picture this: a subscription box service that gives you a skincare regime that corresponds to your Netflix queue. Did you do that thing where you watch seven seasons of “Grey’s Anatomy” over the course of one week? Well, here’s some eye cream to help with those massive, sad bags under your eyes.

3. Office Puppy

Rent a puppy (or any age dog, because all dogs are puppies) from a local shelter for your boring office for the day. The Good Boy/Girl can learn how to socialize, and your co-workers can bask in the joy of a furry friend. There is nothing that cannot be fixed with a puppy, even a Monday. Sure, maybe they’ll pee on the carpet but the office is already gross.

4. An app store sticker pack of canned responses so you don’t have to deign to type “nothing” when your useless Tinder fling asks “wyd ;)?”

If the app store has room for Kimoji, then there should be room for cute, colorful, stickers that will help you manage your various suitors with little to no effort.

5. Bed Coasters: Coasters For Your Bed

If I accidentally spill a very full cup of coffee — any other liquid that’s not water — on my bed again, I am going to lose it. And, no, not trying to drink things while sitting on my bed is not an option, okay? I’m trying to relax. So I propose the following: What if there was a coaster specifically designed so you could balance drinks on your mattress without spilling them everywhere? Y’know, just like regular coasters but for your bed. Someone get a Designed Objects student in on this.