illustration by Jarad Solomon

Attorneys Brian and Joe Whiteman of Whiteman & Whiteman Law Firm just raked in one of the largest settlements in history on behalf of their client — the Devil. The Ruler of Darkness (né B.L. Zebub) has infamously been tied up in a number of legal battles over the years. But in a recent case against Basic Human Decency, a New York court awarded Satan an amount estimated at a whopping $4.2 billion and 5 million damned souls.

Brian Whiteman said of the victory:

“We were just doing what we could to provide the best counsel for our client. We wanted to make sure people really understood all sides of the story. Especially in these situations where no one asked us to participate in the dialogue, we step in to make sure everyone hears what a Whiteman has to say. That’s always where we step in.”

The firm has represented the Angel of the Bottomless Pit in a number of controversial cases including Michigan’s 2013 forced ultrasound bill and most recently the Ted Cruz presidential campaign.

Interestingly, the Whiteman & Whiteman Legal Firm does not specialize in one field of the law. They have handled cases ranging from real estate law to anytime a woman has an opinion about something. This in part due to the firm’s massive network of legal secretaries called “The Whiteman Task Force” who devote most of their time conducting pre-trial research online.

Zachary Stevenson is a 25-year-old member of the Old High School Acquaintance Division of the task force (OHSAD) and formerly of the High School Classroom Division task force (HSCD). Stevenson says:

“I basically try the case on Facebook first. I stay pretty inactive but once someone starts making a salient point about their experience as an Indigenous transgender woman or just starts talking about something I’m not familiar with, I make sure to jump in and advocate for the Devil. The goal is to get them to say something on the record we can use in court.”

Over the course of the firm’s representation of the Lord of Evil, the firm has pioneered a number of now famous defenses such as, “Well, what was she wearing?”; “Rappers use the word all the time so what’s the big deal?”; and “What about black-on-black crime?”

After the New York verdict, Whiteman & Whitman released a statement on behalf of their client that in part read, “I AM LUCIFER! BOW TO ME! I AM EVIL MADE FLESH!” 

Both Joe and Brian Whiteman say that they will continue to represent the Devil whenever there is a productive conversation being had about race, sexuality, gender, or politics that needs to be completely derailed.