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Tip Sheet: Dearly Departed

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Charlie Sheen. Oh, Charlie. We know you’re not dead, but we can hear your career’s death rattle from here. Sometime between the wax and wane of “#winning” tweets and your last Tiger Blood binge, it fell on its face. Run back to your two goddesses and weep.

AS FAR AS OUR DESIGNERS ARE CONCERNED, PAPYRUS WAS DEAD ON ARRIVAL. ANY TOPIC WITH ANY SORT OF WEIGHT IS RENDERED LAUGHABLE BY THE FONT. WATCH:
SPOUSAL ABUSE. SPHINCTER. INFANTICIDE. PEDOPHILIA. ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
...SEE?

There was a time that a huge, stuffed turkey on the dinner table had no ill will towards mankind. Not anymore. Of course, the turkey is already dead when it comes to your table. But now, rampant anxiety regarding childhood obesity and unequivo- cally bland alternatives like Tofurkey confirm that the metaphorical turkey has also bitten the dust.

A (dis)honorable mention goes to long-time dictator Muammar Gaddafi, who died at the hands of Libyan rebels. If you’re wondering why he’s not pictured, it’s because we figured two assholes on the altar were enough.

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