Notes From Our Beautiful and Charming Editor
It has been a crazy month here in the F News Headquarters; mail has been piling up, and not even my bevy of mostly naked young men can sort through the chaos. They have to take lots of breaks to oil each other up, of course, and then their hands have to dry from all that oil or the letters just slip right out of their hands! Letters they did pull from the slippery pile this month are rightly focused on the Holidays and how to handle all that alleged stress we’re all supposed to be feeling. Let’s take a look at the righteous advice I gave two of our readers:
First, I totally love your column. You are the best thing to happen to all newspapers EVER. Thank you for personally hand-delivering that 8×10 signed glossy of you to my apartment last weekend. And don’t worry about that money you borrowed, I’m sure I’ll get it back when your investment pays off. My question: I hate going home for the holidays. My parents are mean and drunk, and my brothers are all fat Republicans who hate me and are resentful of my good looks and reasonable outlook on life. Do I have to go home for Christmas? How do I get out of this?
– Seriously Against Investing in Christmas
Dear SAIC, There are many reasons to go home for Christmas or whatever other stupid holiday your family “celebrates.” One of my favorite reasons to go home is to steal from my intoxicated family members. Do your parents have anything in their home you desire? If they’re drunk, they won’t even notice it’s gone until May. Last Christmas I made out with a never-used turkey fryer I found in my parents bedroom. It was still in the box!
Other reasons to go home (especially since your family is full of Republicans!) include: making up lies that disturb your family (have you told them you’re a Hare Krishna yet?), getting drunker than them and punching a hole through your old bedroom wall (you won’t feel it until the next day!), tracking down that person you thought was hot in high school and giving them that nasty case of pubic lice you picked up in college, or maybe this is the year you come out of the closet over that spiral ham your Republican douchebag brother insists on bringing every year. Think of all the options, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
I love your column, and follow all the advice you give because you’re always right. Last month I TOTALLY got laid three or four times because of your bread recipe! And I didn’t even make it right! Thanks! So here’s my question: I’m a vegetarian, and I never have anything to eat when I go to my family’s holiday celebration. They always have hams and turkeys and even the brussels sprouts have bacon in them. What do I do? I don’t want to starve!
– Starving Although I Chokeonmeat
Dear SAIC, As you probably already know, everyone likes a militant vegetarian, so make sure you put your most steel-toed boot forward this holiday season. Give the food your family is eating cute names like “Barney,” or “Cuddles.” Both Peta and GoVeg.com have really fucked-up videos about slaughterhouses you could show before dinner or even during! A fun trick I like to play is to show a sensationalist Evangelical Christian anti-abortion flick with the sound off and tell everyone it’s a critique of slaughter house ethics. Trick’s on them! Just take one of those nasty Tofurkys along for the meal, and don’t forget to HAVE FUN!