Illustration by Catherine Cao.

Mental

• When you get home, immediately get into your pajamas.
  • Fall asleep on the couch re-watching “The Great British Bake Off”.
  • Wake up at 10pm to crawl into bed.
    • Accidentally stay awake  until 1:40 AM.
• Set your alarm for 6 am. Snooze it  until 6:30, and again at 7.
• Start an anxiety medication that might have weight loss side effects.
  • Be too anxious to renew and pick up at Walgreens.
• Buy two Moleskines in very specific colors:
  • Red because you need to remind yourself to do things, and lavender for a dream journal.
  • Lose one and use the other for grocery store lists.
• Re-read your favorite novel from childhood.
• Log onto Facebook and purge your friends lists.
  • Get rid of the one guy you hooked up with that one time at that one bar you hate.
    • Re-friend him a couple weeks later during a vulnerable moment involving rosé.

Physical

• Download My Fitness Pal.
  • Spend two hours tweaking your goals.
  • Ignore the notifications and never delete it.
• Purchase a yoga mat.
  • Convince yourself you’ll get flexible  again like you were in high school.
    • Believe that you can still fall into the splits, easy-peasy.
    • Leave the yoga mat rolled up in your closet until your ex texts you.
• Buy new running shoes from Nordstrom rack.
  • Never wear them to the actual gym because you’re afraid to dirty the white soles.
• Look up how many calories you burn while you’re sleeping.
• Set the intention to do one set of 20 sit-ups each morning.
  • This dissolves into snacking on the floor and scrolling through Instagram.

Food

• Eat 12 cashews;think of nothing for the rest of the day.
• Drink only Yogi brand Women’s Moon Cycle tea.
• Eat 3 salmon skins a week, not during your menses
• Order Sugar Bear Hair vitamins.
  • You’ll be starving, so your hair will need some help.
  • Post proof on Instagram.
• Lengthily research health plans as they relate to your blood type and rising sign.
  • Tell yourself you’re going to use kale in smoothies; don’t bother.
  • Buy lots of spinach and let it go bad in the crisper.
• Waste your entire paycheck on Amy’s No Chicken Noodle Soup.
• Under the cover of darkness eat the last half of the cheesecake your family sent home with you.
  • Tell your roommate it went bad and you had to throw it out.