Transcript:
A Tale of Two Andys by Kate Learson
A Tale of Two Andy’s
This January I got dumped by two Andy’s.
Andy One was heartbroken when I met him, but I had so much fun talking to him and kissing him that I decided to make a run at it.
On our first date we kissed for hours.
He stayed over and we kissed all morning in my bed.
I texted my friends, “I went out with this guy last night and we kissed for 8 hours!”
He also seemed to like me back.
He asked me my opinion on art and culture, we made playlists for each other of our favorite songs, and he told me he thought my videos were “fucking hilarious.”
His sex drive was insatiable. He would say things like:
“I want to murder you with my dick”
The holiday season came.
We went to a Christmas pop-up in Wrigleyville and saw It’s a Wonderful Life at The Music Box.
We texted every day while we were home with our families.
New Year’s Eve Looms
I get anxious when the subject of New Year’s comes up.
I have had a few disappointments.
So when he asked me about my plans, I spiraled and ended up sort of inviting him to my New Year’s gathering, which was not what I really wanted, but also wasn’t what I didn’t want.
Through this text exchange he told me, “You know we’ve known each other long enough that you can just say what you feel. You don’t have to act like a cool girl with me.”
When he broke things off a week later he said, “I will never fall in love with you. I would know by now.”
Andy 2.0 and I went on four dates in two weeks.
He was older than Andy One and did not appear to be heartbroken.
When I told him I was looking for a relationship, he said, “I am too.”
On our first date we wound up at a lesbian whiskey tasting. We were just at Moody’s
I made him listen to Taylor Swift on the walk home. Stained glass windows in my mind
At my place I made popcorn and played Dumb and Dumber on VHS. this is the best popcorn!
We made out like crazy.
Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Andy 2.0 asked me on a second date the next day.
He picked me up in his car and took me to the early bird special at The Warbler.
He had googled me and said he really liked my comic, Take a Bath
He shared some relationship history and told me about his shifting views on marriage.
In my journal:
Back with Andy One I wrote that I wanted to take my time and meet each other. He was full
steam, fucking me hard & fast, saying too much that he didn’t mean. Andy 2.0 seems
more intentional. I like to think about him making his way through the day, moving
around in the world in a quiet assertiveness.
After sleeping with Andy 2.0 the first time, I had to wake up early to go home and walk my dog.
He texted me later that morning and I asked if I could see him again before he left for his trip to Mexico. “Yes please. How’s tomorrow?”
After the second time we slept together I didn’t hear from him for a week.
I’m ashamed to say I unraveled quite a bit.
Behind the roller coaster of Andy One I wanted so badly to date someone available, someone who wanted to take their time getting to know each other.
But I knew it was over.
He finally texted me:
I did a little thinking- you mentioned you’re looking for a relationship and I don’t quite feel that kind of connection here. That said, if you’re up for something super-casual, I am too- you’re fun to hang with. Was it because I liked licorice pizza?
Guys always tell me I’m fun.
I know that I am, and it is one of the things I really like about myself.
But lately it just feels like a euphemism for, “You have great tits.”
Six months ago, when it was summer I felt so good. I had just broken up with my boyfriend, I was making all my plans, New job, New house, The sun on my legs. I tweeted, “I am in my Seinfeld-era of dating.”
It is February now, and the new job is just a job, and the house needs endless tending, and the winter feels like a cage, and I just got dumped back to back by two Andys.
I’ve been carrying around this picture I saw on the internet of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.She looks like she just got dumped but she’s holding a plant. It’s like the plant is her Self.
Caroline Polachek’s new EP has been on repeat in my headphones.
I added her song “Welcome to my Island” to a playlist I have called “Screaming into the Void.”
My favorite song on that playlist is “Birthday,” sung by Bjork when she played in a band called the Sugarcubes.
In that song she lets out this yearning, guttural scream in the chorus. And every time I hear it I think,
God she really gets it.
