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Choosing to Stay

'My heart is full of hope that these words will help someone'
Illustration by Meghan Sim

Content note: This article discusses suicidal ideation.

I don’t know how old I was the first time death seemed like the only option for peace. For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with suicidal ideations — thoughts, fantasies, or contemplations about ending my own life. It’s been a lifelong battle, but I am here. Alive. Throughout the years, I’ve found ways to get myself through difficult days. Weeks. Months. I don’t consider myself an expert, but my heart is full of hope that these words will help someone.

There are two things I always do when I find myself struggling: self-assess ,and tell someone how I am feeling. From there, I pick and choose activities that bring me peace and joy.

Some helpful questions:  Am I actively having thoughts of suicide, or are they passive? Do I have a plan in place to take my own life? Do I feel safe in my own body? Can I control my actions? 

After assessing, I tell someone. This task is vital. There are moments when I am a danger to myself; accepting this about myself is crucial to my survival. I feel immense guilt and shame regarding my suicidal thoughts; I am terrified that speaking up will result in reprimanding or punishment. My safe person, the person tagged as my first point of contact, is aware of this. They make sure to remain non-judgmental as they inquire about the care I need. My safe person listens and provides immediate comfort, while helping me navigate my next steps, such as enacting my safety plan or helping me call 988, the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, if I am a danger to myself.

My safety plan was created under the supervision of a licensed medical professional. It is a step-by-step document that lists what actions I can take depending on my suicidal ideation. One of the non-negotiables is calling my therapist and psychiatrist, and scheduling appointments with them.

My safety plan has been discussed in explicit detail with my safe person. It is important to note that my safe person also has a support system, both professional and bonded. As difficult as it is for your loved one to hear how you’re feeling, they would rather experience that discomfort and get you the support you need than the alternative.

Over the years, I’ve built up a repertoire of things that bring me comfort. I rely on these after completing my two initial tasks. May this inspire you to build your own collection of comforting activities for trying times.

  • I remind myself over and over again that this feeling will not last forever. There is another side to the immense hopelessness and anguish I am feeling. I remind myself of all I have to live for. I always start with myself. I remind myself that I deserve to experience the full depth of life. I remind myself of all the people I love; I’m not quite done loving them yet.
  • I schedule intensive time with my loved ones, making sure I am not alone. I stay a couple days with my mother, crawl into bed with her, and let her play with my hair. A friend spends the night; we watch our favorite movies.
  • I spend time with my pets. I hold them close, dote on them, shower them with love. My sweet pup smashes her body against mine the second I begin to cry. I think of how she wouldn’t understand where I’ve gone, why I’m not coming home. My cats crawl into my arms in the middle of the night. Their sandpaper tongues against my eyelids; the sharp nibbles on my cheek. Only I know their favorite places to be scratched.
  • I force myself to look forward to something. Today, I ate my favorite fast food. Tomorrow, I will see a friend. Next week, I have a job interview. Maybe I will sign up to learn something new. Activities with rewards (like learning to play a favorite song on the piano, or making a knitted pair of mittens) allow me to feel excitement and success. This trick is all about rebuilding my confidence and my ability to find joy in life. I am retraining my brain by distracting it.
  • I sit out when it’s raining. The rain soaks through my clothes until I’m sopping wet. I let the rain fall on my face. If I’m not in a crowded city, I’ll scream until my voice is raw and hoarse. If it isn’t raining, a cold shower has the same effect. Likewise, rubbing ice on my skin helps shock the system and brings me back to my body.
  • I take my nieces and nephews to the arcade, hand them each a few bills, and watch as their faces glow in the rainbow lights. They are full of wonder and joy, it’s easy to get carried away with them.
  • I pray. I read and recite Psalms. I ask my mother to put in a silent plea on my behalf. She always asks her prayer group to amplify the request.

I thank my dear ones for their unwavering support. I’ve accepted that my mind and thoughts gravitate towards suicide. This acceptance is not giving up. It’s choosing to stay alive in spite of my instincts. There are problems in life beyond my control. All that’s within my control are the actions I take. I am learning to live and to be alive. I am determined to live and to stay alive.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 to find support.

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