Welcome to our new twice-a-month sex column, in which our in-house sexperts (the mysterious Kitten and the Squeeze) answer your most pressing between-the-sheets questions. Kitten and the Squeeze aim to provide feminist, sex-positive, queer-friendly advice on pleasure, pleasure, and pleasure. Direct any questions you have — and nothing is too weird or too lewd — to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Hey Kitten and the Squeeze,
I have been with my partner for several years, and the sex is great, but I’m worried we’re going to start getting bored. What are the best, most interesting ways to ignite a sex life that has turned too routine?
— Longtime Lover
You know how diets don’t work? Ever? Diets don’t work because they make your life unrecognizable and there’s only so long a person can take it before they freak out and go back to comfort. The best way to lose weight is to make little, health-affirming changes that feel okay, and then make some other, similar changes that feel pretty good. After a while, you’ll see results without feeling like you were being punished; you completely bypass having to live life in a horrible foreign country where all you can eat are carrot sticks and failure.
Small, sex- and love-affirming changes are going to work the same way for the couple who feels uninspired sexually. How about changing the time of day you get it on? What about changing duration? If you guys are doing about an hour of whatnot every time, try to see how fast you can go — or spend the entire Saturday morning in bed. Use a pillow under your butt or your partner’s butt for a different angle. Small changes feel doable and, trust us, are actually super hot. If we told you to wear a duck costume or try chains or force your partner to tell you the most truly revolting sexual fantasy they ever had … it’s too much. It’s like a diet. It’s not sustainable. Pretty soon, you’re gonna run back to the vanilla ice-cream and stay there. Maybe for a long time.
So use a pillow. Go longer. Pretend you can’t say a word because the neighbors will hear anything over a peep. We bet it’ll do the job.
Dear Kitten and the Squeeze,
I’m a 36-year-old woman who doesn’t wait too long to hop in the sack with someone I want to have sex with. I mean, whatever. But an Uber driver told me she always waits 90 days before giving up the cookie and to me, it sounded pretty cool. She said the anticipation was great and also, if the guy was a jerk, she’d find out before she slept with him. That sounded good. Should I try this next time I want to date someone?
— Worth the Wait
Hey There Worth It,
Something that would make everyone’s sex lives a whole lot better would be a general re-definition of the word “sex.” We were raised to think of “real sex” as being strictly P-in-V (or P-in-B, or if it’s a girl-on-girl situation, V-in-V — where one of the Vs is a vibrator). That definition severely limits the amount of fun and pleasure available inside a new relationship, and it’s really a shame. If we start to think about any sort of intimate touching as constituting sex — an oily, naked massage, for example, in which no genitals are touched; or hours of oral on both ends — the pressure around having a great “first time” is alleviated. I recommend trying a moratorium on penetration for a month. You’ll still get to fool around and get to know each other’s bodies, but there’s also the thrill of the taboo. This is something the queer community is way better at than the stodgier, stuffier, black-and-whitier hetero set. Widening the stance around what sex entails allows for more play and less anxiety all around. And your Uber driver is right: There’s something so hot (and oddly nostalgic) about dry-humping like it’s prom night.