illustration by Sophie Lucido Johnson

Admit it: One of your classes sucks. Lucky for you, the add/drop period for this semester at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago (SAIC) is still open, so you can trade your shitty class in for something new! How about one of these?

Art Therapy: Section 2028 – What About Puppies?

Research has consistently proven that visual art, musical arts, theatrical arts, and other creative processes can help people who are dealing with depression or trauma. That’s all well and good, but what about puppies? Can’t puppies also be helpful? For years, scientists have told us that puppies fall outside the confines of art therapy because “puppies aren’t an art form.” But who is to say whether or not that’s true? Have you ever really looked at a puppy? If a really good puppy isn’t art incarnate, we don’t want to know what is. In this class, we will examine puppies, literally. Every class will feature a few puppies that participants can get to know, touch, and caress. Students will chart their own psychological changes as they spend increasing amounts of time with the puppies that are provided. They will be given the (mandatory) option to adopt the puppies at the end of the semester, because next semester they will no longer be puppies, and will therefore no longer be relevant to this course.

Prerequisite: Doctors’ statement saying that you are not allergic to puppies.

 Contemporary Practices: Section 3~~8 – Ambiguity, Opacity, and the Generally Unclear

This course will explore concepts of artistic rejuvenation and regeneration as related to spirituality, density, parentheses, the socio-political climate in Rhode Island, zoetropes, delineation, ostentatiousness, swear words, brunt, the psychological implications of Tinder, transgression, and fragment. We will investigate the relationship between brokenness under the scope of unknown media and grounded mania as it is manifested in the contemporary and post-contemporary works of current and past dreamscape-weavers. We will probe the juxtaposition of virtuosity to genius as it relates to art-making and the world beyond; this class will span disciplines and genres while containing an irrefutable singularity that will cohere each element of vision to the stigma around peace/war/hate/love as it relates to creative processes. The final project will and can and must be at least partially related to either or both clouds and the creative atmosphere, as well as the mind, and its synchronicity in the universe beyond. Grades will be distributed in the form of freed, painted doves.

Fiber: Section 6014 – Fake Meats

Although fiber exists in manifold forms that stretch across the world, this class will focus on one of the most advanced (if indigestible) forms of fiber known to man: generic false meats. While bananas contain 3 grams of fiber per banana, and pears contain 6 grams, Tofurkey Italian sausage contains 35 whopping grams of fiber per serving. We will explore a vast array of false meats, including “Chik’n” nuggets, pea tendril steaks, and shrimp that look exactly like actual shrimp but are made out of dirt and brown rice. Our final project does involve stool samples, which is what this course seems to be most known for, but that’s not all there is to it. There’s so much more to fake meat than stool.

Performance: Section 4132 – Bowl of Oatmeal

Bowl of oatmeal. Bowl of oatmeal. Bowl of oatmeal. It’s already happening to you, isn’t it? We will repeat the words “bowl of oatmeal” out loud in a variety of timbres and tones until the words cease to possess meaning; and then more until they regain a false meaning; and then more until they become kind of funny; and then until they become absurd; and then until they become violent. End-of-term showcase will be performed in front of an audience of real bowls of oatmeal.

Prerequisite: Either Crying on Command; or Peeing With All Your Clothes Still On, Except Socks

Painting and Drawing: Section 6012 – Finding A Job With This Degree

Let’s face it: You’re probably not going to make it as a painter or a drawer. (Is that what it’s called? A “drawer?” As in, “my dresser drawer?” If it’s not a drawer, then what is it? This question may or may not be explored in class.) This course will delve into some of the (admittedly few) jobs set aside for people with painting or drawing degrees, such as Volunteer in Your Sister-In-Law’s Art Class, Self-Employed Blogger And/Or Conspiracy Theorist, and Foot Model. We will discuss the importance of learning to cope with what will soon become crippling self-doubt which will inevitably set in pretty much the minute you graduate, coupled with the onslaught of anxiety that will come from being all-but unable to repay the massive student loans you took out to go to school to get a Painting and Drawing degree. We’ll also engage in between one and three massage circles throughout the semester, depending on the number of panic attacks that are bound to transpire while class is in session.

Visual Communication: Section 1111 – Those Secret Codes With Pictures In Them

Known by the editors of Highlights Magazine as “rebus puzzles” (although no one knows why), these short lines of pictorial code are considered one of the coolest ways to communicate visually, and have been called “pretty awesome” by the majority of kids in kindergarten and below. For example, if you wanted to write the word “I,” you might draw a little eye (like the kind of eye on your face! Get it?). Or, if you wanted to get really complex, you could, like, draw an apple, and then write a minus sign, and then draw an ape, and then write a plus sign, and then draw an ant. Apple minus ape plus ant is plant! What a fun way to visually communicate “plant!” The instructor of this course even saw one once that was two dice. She didn’t know what that was for a long time, so she had to look it up. It was paradise. As in, pair-a-dice!? Isn’t that insanely clever?