Illustrations by Jarad Solomon

4. “Licking his penis like you’re licking an ice cream cone is a guy-pleaser for a reason”

-Cosmopolitan, March 6, 2015

Recently, Cosmopolitan ran an article titled “Blow Him Away In Bed: Oral Sex Tips.”
While the guide is fairly comprehensive, I believe these omitted strategies merit inclusion:

Leave Him In Stitches

This one requires a little forethought and some sleight of hand. Next time you decide to do your beau “the big favor,” plan ahead and stash a needle-and-thread beneath the sheets. Position yourself in such a way that he can’t see your hands operating beneath his package. (Don’t be afraid to incorporate deep-throating for this.)  When he’s nearing climax, suture his scrotum to his inner thigh. He’ll appreciate the attention you give his nether region, and he’ll also be reminded of your sewing skill.

Karaoke Night

Who doesn’t love a sing-along? For this sweet-sounding fellatio, be prepared to unleash your inner Shania. After teasing his shaft to full mast, wrap your fingers around his base firmly. Then, brushing your lips as close to his tip as possible, look into his eyes and belt your favorite power ballad. Don’t be afraid to yank him around like a microphone stand. It’s all about authenticity. The best part about this blowjob is that his penis never touches your mouth and no one orgasms.

Playing Doctor

Most guys won’t admit it, but we love a little ass play. It’s like when Katy Perry comes on the radio — we won’t change it, but we won’t talk about it after. Next time you’re making his dreams come true, gently run your hands up the backs of his thighs. After a little massaging, pop a finger or two inside his anus, depending on his level of experience. As a finishing move, ask him to cough while feeling for swelling and unusual masses. Early detection is critical in the treatment of most cancers.

Stick ’n’ Poke

This one will satisfy all your man’s fantasies and solve your issues with his mother. Without telling him, get a tattoo of his mama’s face across your chest. Profile or not, the choice is yours. Allow yourself a couple of weeks for the tattoo to heal, and deny him any oral pleasure during this period. This will ensure that when the time comes, he will be swollen as a bullfrog. While performing the act, tell him you want him to finish on your chest, and understand his voice squeaking as consent. As he ejaculates, tear
your shirt open to reveal your portrait of his loving mother. He’ll be
touched by your commitment, and thankful for the opportunity to
see her in a new light.