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News In Brief: Pope2Dope

The least informative and most important news column on the Internet.

By News

Illustration by Amber Huff

Illustration by Amber Huff


Warm and Cosi with Beelzebub


Pope Francis, also known as Pope2Dope, wrapped up his visit to the United States this September by seeing volunteers from the World Meeting of Families at Atlantic Aviation. One organization that did not break bread with his holiness, however, was sandwich shop and college campus staple Cosi. The company, who have not previously been linked with Satanism or anti-Papal sentiments, released a report alleging the constant interruption presented by the Popemobile and its entourage lowered sandwich sales in 30 percent of company locations. There have as of yet been no reports of retaliatory smiting.


Inmates vs. Ivies


This September, the back-to-back national champions of Harvard’s debate team were dealt a defeat by a team of still-incarcerated convicts. The inmates, who are serving time in the Eastern New York Correctional Facility, are part of a program in conjunction with Bard College through which they receive college-level education while finishing their sentences. The debate team has beaten other prestigious schools, including the University of Vermont as well as West Point, with whom they’ve formed a rivalry. For their part, the Harvard team took the loss well, stating, “There are few teams we are prouder of having lost a debate to than the phenomenally intelligent and articulate team we faced this weekend.”


Ben “Rambo” Carson


In the wake of the recent tragedy in Roseburg, Oregon, in which college students were gunned down by a lone shooter, gun policy has emerged as a divisive point among politicians. Some, like President Obama, have come out in favor of stronger gun control. Many conservatives, in contrast, have advocated for armed security in classrooms. However, Ben Carson, GOP primary candidate and possible cage fighter, has taken aim at a more specific target: The very students who were shot. The issue, as Carson sees it, is that the students didn’t fight the gunman themselves. When asked about the shooting, he replied, “I would not just stand there and let him shoot me.” We can only assume he would have told the gunman, “You’re making Ben angry. You wouldn’t like Ben when he’s angry.”


Putting Down the Horse


After almost 80 years in polling game, the perfectly named Gallup Inc. has surrendered the saddle, struck down the stirrups, recycled the hay bale, and done other horse analogies for quitting. The company has long been a giant in the field of “horse race journalism,” where elections are covered by constant polling and spotlighting candidates’ differences, typically in an effort to dramatize the competitive aspect of elections. Many believe that this last presidential election, in which the Obama administration called out Gallup for incorrectly predicting the outcome, was a decisive factor in the company’s decision. No word on if they will get back in the race at a future date.


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