Sex Columnist Fanny Newsome Makes the Mistakes
So You Don’t Have To

This Month: Petting The Pussy

Dear Fanny,

I am a junior at SAIC and have been crushing on a girl for quite some time. We finally went out last week and had a great time. We also kissed. A lot. She is the first woman I have ever been romantically involved with. I do not identify as a lesbian, but she has for many years. We are going out again, and I am very nervous about being intimate with her. I have no clue how to have sex with a woman and no idea what the heck to do down there! I keep trying to download lesbian porn for some ideas, but I keep getting weird pop-ups and blockers. Help?

–Feelin’ Like a Pussy

Illustration by Berke Yazicioglu.

Dear F.L.a.P.,

Just dive right into that pussy, babe!

It’s exciting and terrifying to embark on new sexual adventures and experiences, but we often make ourselves physically vulnerable even before we know and trust the person we are about to get naked with. Just remember that you are both interested in giving each other pleasure. With a little communication and a lot of heavy petting, you will be on the L train to O Town.

Instead of labeling this experience as “lesbian sex,” think of it as exploring a physical connection with a person you like. The fluidity of your attraction will provide the momentum you need to get over the proverbial hump of your insecurities. Think about what you like, and ask your date what she likes. You can also use the universe’s social lubricant – alcohol – to take the edge off (just ask your local Trader Joes’ wine representative about Two Buck Chuck. Tell ’em Fanny sent you).

Like you, I was also nervous anticipating the first time I would be having sex with a woman, and I tried to prepare by Googling information about female pleasure. The spies at the NSA probably masturbated to my Internet searches. After I saw the search results for “how do I move my tongue up and down on a pussy to make a girl orgasm?” I thought, “Wow, I love the Internet!” It’s easy to intellectualize sex and make a checklist of physical do’s and don’ts, but once we’re face to face with someone, we realize that the pleasure cave is cavernous and complex.

If you don’t enjoy your first sexual experience with a woman, I’d advise you to not swear off pussy forever. Women have been taught since birth to seek and value the attention of men, and our learned heterosexually-biased behavior produces a strong neural pathway that is hard to shake off when pursuing our desires outside of the heteronormal. The first time I gave a man oral sex, I did not particularly enjoy having his dick in my mouth, and I did not orgasm when I lost my virginity to a man. We are taught that women get to enjoy sex later in life, and that men can cum from a gust of wind grazing their penis. By engaging in an active sexual dialogue, we can reverse such assumptions and become champions of our own pleasure.

What I’m trying to say is the following: relax, try stroking your partner’s clit with your middle finger in a circular motion, or lick her vagina like a plate with your favorite leftovers.

OMG, I’m getting wet just thinking about how much fun you’re going to have.

Stumped by sex? Frustrated by fucking? Reeling from a relationship? Fanny wants to hear all about it! Write to [email protected] with your questions.