Why are we celebrating a holiday propagated by Hallmark, the card company that makes bank for Father’s Day, Mother’s Day and Boss’s Day? Valentine’s Day exists for stores to sell more flowery crap and make us feel awful for not having a date. Don’t spend the evening of February 14th standing in a long line at a posh new restaurant with hopes of ordering the locally grown octopus infused with organic, pickled beets. Instead, pick a different holiday to celebrate. You’ll feel much better about yourself.
Unisexual Wax Your Upper Lip Day
Illustrations by Emily Haasch.
This applies to everyone because frankly, that second unibrow is unbecoming. It’s time to say goodbye to the dirty caterpillar who’s been hanging around on your face since last
November. Visit your local drugstore for the proper equipment.
Compliment Yourself In A Mirror Day
Take a tip from Stuart Smalley — the fictional SNL character who gave himself self-help advice via a mirror. If Smalley isn’t worried about sitting at home alone on Valentine’s Day, then you shouldn’t either. Put on a periwinkle cardigan, snuggle up to your favorite mirror and tell yourself that you’re good enough, smart enough, and doggone it
people like you.
National Piano Tie Day
There’s no practical reason to wear them… until now. Nevermind how or why you own one of these, but by all means, dress it up with your favorite keyboard suspenders and neon
tuba socks.
Be A NASCAR Fan Day
Celebrate Nascar’s first modified stock car race — originally held on February 14, 1948. Put on acid wash cut-offs, the sunglasses and hat combo, and tape a beer to your hand. Pretend to soak up the Daytona Beach sun, while yelling “What?!…Hell Yeah!” at everyone, because it’s impossible to hear anything over the revving engines.
Calculator Watch Day
This is for all those nerds who were shunned for being ahead of their peers through technology. The time is now to unbury that ancient artifact. Even though the batteries were discontinued nine years ago, wear it proud, without fear of public humiliation. Wrist calculation = cool!
Dress Like An Elf Day
You really only need tights, a stocking hat and fluffy bangs. If you don’t have tights, skinny jeans are acceptable. Make sure your bangs are sticking out and the hat is barely on the crown of your head. Elves derive their strength from the extra sagging fabric. It’s where they keep their Magic Power Pouch.
Paul Bunyan Day*
While ‘90s Seattle bands only admired Mr. Bunyan for his lumberjack flannel fashion, let’s choose to celebrate him as the tallest man in American folklore history. Once known as a tree logger and stump smasher, it’s rumored these days he lives in a quiet Alaskan cabin, where he’s a modest potter. Right on, Bunyan. Your lifestyle reminds us to be content with our artistic solitude.
Cheer, Cheer Campari Day
That classic bitter liqueur from 1860 hasn’t changed a bit since the day it was born — it still tastes like stale train-car carpet. Nonetheless, your great-great grandmother enjoyed consuming it straight. As 2013 continues to blossom, hark back to the old days, and send a jolly nod to the Italians for keeping with tradition.
Swipe An Elf’s Hat Day
For all of you who are not celebrating Dress Like an Elf Day, you can participate by retrieving an elf’s hat. Since most of the hat is reserved for the Power Pouch, it takes a mere puff of air to send that hat flying into your own hands. Now you possess the magical Elf Force.
Tweet Your Weight Day
Probably the least popular holiday on the planet. This day calls for everyone to only tweet the numbers and the facts. As the saying goes: “It’s not polite to ask a lady her age, but you can read her tweeted poundage.”
Ride The Ferris Wheel With A Mannequin Day
Trying to look less hopeless, you bring your mannequin along as your seatmate. Approaching the top of the ride, you both quarrel, and she jumps (but it looks like you pushed her). Luckily, when the mannequin shattered on the ground, it made all bystanders realize they were also with the shell of a person on Valentines Day.
Butter Statue Day
If you’re still wondering why your dairy-farmer aunt gifted you 100 pounds of butter this Christmas, this holiday gives you a reason to use it. Make a butter bust of yourself or your friends. Invite them over to share your recent sculpting talents, and spread the love.
* actual holiday
