by Eric Baskauskas and Brandon Kosters

Christmas time is approaching.

And because gift shopping, wrapping up work, card sending and all such bahumbugery just isn’t emotionally and spiritually taxing enough, you’ve got to host a party for your obnoxious friends and relatives.

What to buy? Who’s allergic to what food?

And then there’s that sibling/in-law/cousin with the bad skin who just has to lure you into some sort of petty dispute about nothing.

Fear not Loyal Reader, for F has come to your rescue once again! Here’s a list that will equip you to throw a party that they’ll all be talking about for years.

Don’t thank us. Just think of it as our little gift to you.

A Smokeless Kitchen Does A Merry X-Mas Make.
1. When it comes to cooking, olive oil is among the smokiest of oils, so don’t lube your pans with it. In fact, don’t cook anything period. Stack your holiday platter with globs and globs of uncooked beef tripe. Garnish with holly. For your vegetarian/vegan friends … invite them to nibble on the garnish.
Remember: nothing says social death quite like a smoky kitchen.

Ask EVERYONE to pull your finger.
2. Because that, friends, is always funny.

Christmas is Stressful. Celebrate a Different Holiday.
3. There are wicked sales on trick-or-treating pails, candy, and costumes right now. Why host a boring-ass Christmas party, when all anyone really wants to celebrate is Halloween II? Why not an early Groundhog Day? Mother’s Day? Why don’t you ever call your mother you little bastard?

Be annoying.
4. Let’s be real. This is a time of year when everyone is forced to spend time with the people they like least and everyone knows that they’re expected to act like they’re having fun and to drink themselves into oblivion.
As the old saying goes: “If you can’t entertain them, persuade them to leave your house as quickly as possible by being rude.”
Wear a t-shirt with a joke about abortion. When your Aunt Sally says something to you just say “Sorry Auntie. I couldn’t hear anything you said over the sound of your gelatinous thighs jiggling.”
Cook with olive oil and abstain from having anyone pull your finger.

Slippery slope
5. Cover all the surfaces of your house, floor especially, with Vaseline. Tell your guests you wanted to simulate the experience of ice skating in a warmer environment.

Smooch the pooch
6. Dress your dog in adorable holiday clothes and completely plaster the ceiling with mistletoe. Then walk around, dog in hand, constantly badgering your guests to “kiss the doggy!”

Jiggle bells
7. Hire a stripper to show up right after dinner. This just seems to make sense.

Memories
8. We’re a cyber-social civilization. Chances are, people will be texting and facebooking, maybe even tweeting while they’re at your party. Any missteps will be instantly uploaded to the blogosphere, and your shame will be digitally preserved for eternity. Or at least until the second coming (remember, this season is really all about the big guy upstairs). Anyway, this needs to be on your mind when you plan your party. Probably just do that stripper thing to make sure everything works out okay.

Stimulus package
9. Party favors are always a hit, but what have these jerks ever done for you? While your guests are occupied (see above), slip away to the coat room and raid their belongings. If people seem to have kept their wallets in their pants instead of their jackets, go ahead and offer to take their pants for them. Of course, it might seem weird, asking for everyone’s pants after the party’s already begun, so it would be wise to just collect the trousers upon entry. BONUS: Finding out that Uncle Bob wears women’s underwear.

Food fight!
10. Aunt Rita + pie in face = someone else hosts next year.

Hasta la vista, party
11. Before the party, grab a Sharpie and write “NEWS” in the top right corner of your TV screen. Put in a DVD of Terminator 2: Judgment Day in and then casually turn the TV on during conversation. Then shout “ROBOTS!!” and run downstairs to the basement. Lock the door and eat snacks until everyone leaves.

Party hats
12. People are so sensitive these days. We all know how offensive it is to put up Christmas decorations and to celebrate a religious holiday the way we do here in America. As we reach higher and higher to the heavens of political correctness, we need to make sure our actions do not alienate the vast diversity of our nation. To this end, we see words like “Winter Festival” instead of “Christmas Party,” “Season’s Greetings” instead of “Welcome Saviors,” and “Justin Bieber” instead of “Santa Claus.”

This is all very understandable, so we’ve come up with the perfect solution. If there’s one thing that everyone can agree on, it’s that birthday parties kick ass. So pick up a cake, have the baker write “Happy Birthday Jesus” on it, grab some balloons (non-denominational of course), and get a Jesus-shaped pinata. I fail to see how this could bother anyone.