The phrase “Good coffee in Loop” is something of an oxymoron. On my arrival in Chicago, I was told that thankfully there is one place in Loop where good coffee can be found—in a café that isn’t too much of a chain. Intelligentsia. Hurrah.

OK, so they’ve named themselves after Russian elites, and they buy their coffee direct in some mysterious manner, so perhaps I should have been suspicious from the start? But they do make STRONG coffee that doesn’t taste like burnt pork crackling, and the panninis are satisfying and vaguely Italian … but something is missing. I remain unconvinced of their alleged supremacy over Chicago’s Downtown coffee kingdom.

I have devised a wish list for Intelligentsia to take on board.

1. CERAMIC BLISS. When I say “have here, in ceramic” that means “have here, in ceramic”, as in, not in cardboard with a silly plastic lid.
2. Where the hell is the cocoa shaker? Who wants a cinnamon overdose every time they head for the cocoa on their cappuccino? (I’ve discovered there is such thing as a cinnamon headache … I should probably pitch this to a pharmaceutical company.)
3. Why is my cappuccino two-thirds froth and one third liquid?
4. SOFAS. Pretty please!
5. Oh, and while you’re at it, can I please have a hot air balloon, a tamed Alpaca and a talking squirrel?