Story and illustrations by Robyn Coffey

Dear Internet, What can a pathetic and persistently single female college student do for fun on a Friday night in Chicago, Illinois?

Please search for: Happy hour + dollar menus. (Results: 2,030,000)

Dear Internet, These guys are having a party this weekend at their divey apartment in Bucktown, Chicago, Illinois. My friend said they asked her to “bring some hot chicks.” Should I go?

Please search for: Diseases transmitted through wallpaper. (Results: 53,200)

Dear Internet, What is proper to wear to an art school party? My tight Diesel jeans and Duke 76 T-shirt, or the little black dress with the plunging neckline?

Please search for: Romantic desperation. (Results: 730,000)

Dear Internet, What does it mean when a rather grimy American male college student in Chicago, Illinois, presents to you with sweaty palms his scrapbook of Henry Darger clippings? Or when his attractive roommate rescues you and hands you a glass of wine and smiles when he looks in your eyes?

Please search for: Lick + you + up + down. (Results: 7,800,000)

Dear Internet, How does one make oneself appear intruiging and alluring, without also sounding vain and a little desperate? Is describing the litterbox habits of one’s beloved fuzzy-wuzzy kitty-kitty a disincentive for a second date?

Please search for: Scoopability + clumping factors. (Results: 6)

Dear Internet, How many guys are there in Chicago, Illinois, who are funny, charming, and attractive, and yet still complete weirdos?

Please search for: Converse All-Stars, obsession with. (Results: 179,000)

Please search for: Rod Stewart in drag. (Results: 911,000)

Please search for: Taxidermy. (Results: 2,090,000 )

Dear Internet, If soulful looks and phone numbers are exchanged at the end of an art school party, should a boy call a girl, or can a girl call a boy? What is the appropriate length of time to wait until said phone call?

Please search for: That scene from Swingers, 1996, Miramax Films. “You’re money, baby!” (Results: 2,420,000)

Dear Internet, Am I trying too hard?

Please search for: Nervous excitement. (Results: 2,460,000)

Please search for: Lustful thoughts. (Results: 382,000)

Please search for: Extensive preparations. (Results: 4,300,000)

Dear Internet, How do you deal with unsightly razor burn?

Please search for: Granny panties, how to destroy. (Results: 285,000)

Dear Internet, Does the average American male college student prefer heels or flats? Ponytail or bun? Bikini or thong?

Please search for: Padded bras, sale on. (Results: 958,000)

Dear Internet, What is the appropriate reaction from a girl when, on the first date, the boy presents her with a potted orchid, a box of chocolate-covered cherries, and a CD entitled “Backwater Michigan High School Marching Band Plays the Top Ten,” on which he can be heard playing backup trombone on track six?

Please search for: Childhood dream of sultry duet with Michael Jackson on national television.

Dear Internet, Is drinking Heileman’s Old Style from a can instead of Godiva chocolate martinis in order to appear laid-back and low-maintenance worth the number of trips to the ladies’ room that it entails?

Please search for: The seal, breaking of. (Results: 168,000)

Dear Internet, Would you find it romantic or endearing if the girl you’re seeing was tipsy enough when you left the bar that you had to help zip her coat, and support her each of the three and half times she tripped on the way back to your place?

Please search for: Inhibitions and physical coordination, stunning absence of. (Results: 287,000)

Dear Internet, What’s the protocol for when you get to his doorstep?

Please search for keywords: You + want + to + come + up? (Results: 248,000,000)

Dear Internet, Is there a proper term for that feeling you get when faces move close, noses bump, lips mush, that feeling like a flock of ravenous pigeons has descended flapping around the day-old bread crusts of your heart?

Please search for: First kiss. (Results: 25,100,000)

Dear Internet, Is there a brand of lipstick that doesn’t rub off?

Please search for: Hyperfunctioning erogenous zones. (Results: 12)

Dear Internet, Is there anything more awkward than stumbling hand-in-hand through the door and onto a Real World set, past his noisy, joking, spying roommates and into his bedroom? Maybe when he goes back out and announces his need for “protection?”

Please search for: Latex, lambskin, polyeurethane, lubricated, ridged, resevoir tip, vanilla, strawberry, glow-in-the-dark. (Results: 1,670,000)

Dear Internet, Can a girl be too prepared?

Please search for: Erectile dysfunction. (Results: 8,080,000)

Please search for: Inadequate sexual experience. (Results: 4,900,000)

Please search for: Premature ejaculation. (Results: 3,030,000)

Dear Internet, How adorable is it when they apologize tearfully? How can you do anything but hug them close, and murmur sweet nothings, and pet their sideburns?

Please search for keywords: Fun + carefree + adorable, excluding terms: hairy back + work-study job? (Results: 1)

Dear Internet, You and I are going to have to stop seeing each other. I’ve fallen in love with someone else.

Now searching for: Pathetic and persistently single female college student in need of virile operating system. (Results. …)

FEBRUARY 2006