Illustrations by Eric Garcia
Over the summer Dr Sparkle C. Glittermore spent most of her time in court, defending allegations that her doctorate in Astrology—obtained over the Internet in March—is bogus. A court injunction nearly prevented Glittermore from contributing to this issue of F Newsmagazine, but fortunately she is willing to sidestep the law and risk the consequences to bring her reliable predictions to those who need it most. You. Three cheers for F Newsmagazine‘s first outlaw astrologer.
VIRGO
Happy birthday! And now, some advice. I know you’ve been preoccupied with this niggling problem for some time now, but the fact is, unless you opt for laser hair removal, the hair on your toes will continue to grow back. You just have hairy toes. It’s a Virgo fact. No one talks about it, but everyone knows. So my advice is to come to terms with this toe hair issue, and move on.
LIBRA
Look out for a skinny guy in a yellow T-shirt within the first two weeks of September. He’ll probably say something a little nasty to you, but you’ll be prepared with a great comeback, because I’ve warned you about this early. Start coming up with comebacks TODAY. BITE ME, Banana shirt man. Go push a Push Pop.
SCORPIO
Saturn’s pull is heading towards the seventh sector, which means it’s time for you to reassess your underwear collection and consider buying some new basic cotton numbers. Your friends will thank you, and you will be more popular than ever.
SAGITTARIUS
Someone is watching you. They’ve been watching for quite a while now, keeping a little logbook of all the times you scratch your nose, smooth your shirt and buy a coffee. They know your favorite Wednesday lunch option in the Loop, and they delight in how you eat your sandwich. There are several options here: stare accusingly at everyone, never leave the house again, or, and this one is the wisest option: buy a stalking scrapbook and start obsessively watching someone else as a distraction.
CAPRICORN
The moon is in the division of Capricorn and Euripides right now, which means promising things for revving up your personal life and adding a bit of pizazz and spice to your daily showering routine. September is also a good month for accomplishing seemingly enormous tasks, so if you’ve been avoiding that BIG impossible chore, now is the time to throw yourself in the deep end and just do it.
AQUARIUS
Do NOT take any elevators on the 5th of September. I repeat, do NOT go anywhere near those death traps. Stay home. Or Fly. Or use the stairs. My crystal ball has gone all dark and looks like an angry elevator shaft.
PISCES
The placement of Pisces in the constellation map this Fall is thrilling: not only does it intersect with three red dwarfs and the big dipper, it also pulls towards Venus. This is an incredible opportunity to capitalize on your talents, whatever they be. (NB: the Land Speed Record for wedgie un-picking is up for grabs. I suggest you attend the tryouts.)
ARIES
Your main hurdles this month will be dealings with other Aries characters. It’s like you’ve all developed some kind of + + magnetic force and you keep repelling each other with spite and aggression. What can I say, other than chill out and avoid yourself this September. On the upside, the 10th is a good day to eat a green apple. Remember: green, not red.
TAURUS
A tall dark stranger will come into your life this month, and then depart as swiftly as he appeared. You will spend the rest of the month checking “Missed Connections” on Craigslist, which isn’t such a bad thing, and could result in some positive developments.
GEMINI
Pluto is increasingly frustrated at its lack of special planet status, and so it is beaming cosmic grumbles towards Uranus, which, unfortunately, comes rather near Gemini’s backside. The results for your lot will be increasing neck pain and upper back tension for most of the month.
CANCER
If you go fishing on Lake Michigan on September 14, I can GUARANTEE that you will get your line snagged four times, notice some creepy woman staring at you, AND catch something. I didn’t say what…just something.
LEO
Now I know you’re not the flower-buying type, because you’re so busy expecting other people to buy you flowers, but September seems the right time for you to start saying “thank you” for a change. And this may come as some surprise to you, but I’m a Leo too, so now is the time for me, Dr Sparkle, to also say “thank you” to all my stalwart supporters who have helped me through this horrendous legal dispute about the degree I rightfully bought obtained on the internet. Thank you, darlings.
