Transcript:
“F stands for Fools” is at the top of the page, in April’s print issue typeface. A subhead reads “All the news that isn’t.”
Below are two pages formatted to reference 1940’s newspaper, in three-ish columns per page.
HED: MacLean Elevators To Be Renovated
DEK: Students Can Climb Long Ladders
After the success of the Sharp elevator renovations, administrators at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago have released a statement saying, “We are excited to announce that with the help of the Robert Augustus Chesebrough Foundation, the MacLean elevators and stairways are receiving a much-needed renovation.” The construction will begin on Monday, April 6. Students should expect renovations to end in the summer 2033. While the elevators and stairways are under construction, students can enjoy climbing a long ladder to get to each of their classes. During the renovations — which actually might not be done until 2058, it turns out — access between the Lakeview and MacLean buildings will be closed.
“I don’t know how the school expects me to be able to get to class on time. The film classes I usually take are 14 floors up,” said Doe Jawn (BFA 2028), a wheelchair using student. Jawn is now considering becoming a performance student in the 280 Building to avoid the ladder issue.
HED: Writing Department Offers New Course
DEK: Two-Sentence Horror Stories
Byline: Cee Cee Oldman/Special to F Newsmagazine
“‘Ernest Hemingway can eat my ass,’ I said, burning my copy of ‘The Old Man and the Sea.’ ‘Gladly,’ said Ernest Hemingway, putting on an oversized bib.” is the description for this microfiction-based class. It is to be taught by visiting artist Moby Dick.
HED: Overnight access is back with a low subscription fee!
DEK: For $29.99 a month, you can get what you were promised
To the Right: “We carefully considered what would best support the student body.”
HED: Goodbye Art Sale, Hello Gene Siskel Lookalikes
DEK: The Spring 2026 Art Sale has been Cancelled/To make room for a Gene Siskel look-alike contest in the MacLean Ballroom.
Byline: By Ebert Roger/Special to F Newsmagazine
“I’d been preparing for weeks,” said student Rumpel Stiltstein (BFA 2026). They continued, “I’m a senior, and I couldn’t even get into the look-alike contest. It was a devastating blow for me. I had been prepping my Siskel ‘stache. I also couldn’t get into the art sale back when it existed, but this was more devastating.”
The comics capstone classes are protesting the art sale cancellation because they were guaranteed spaces in the sale, but not in the look-alike contest.
Siskel’s spirit was excited at the prospects of an event all about him, but was saddened to hear that it wouldn’t be held at the Gene Siskel Theater.
“I wish more students would see films at my theater, but this is nice too,” said Siskel’s mummy.
An illustration of the Gene Siskel lookalike contest is to the right of the story. Under it is an ad, reading “For our smoke free campus/Loose Cigarettes! 19.99 each at the 280 Material Source (our least flammable building!)
HED: Restaurants Have Taken Over Fibers Floor
DEK: Fibers and Material Studies Department Renamed Sandwiches and Material Studies
Byline: Katya Goncharov/Special to F Newsmagazine
An Italian Restaurant, Littler Italy, is opening on the ninth and tenth floors of the Sharp Building as part of a new initiative to create revenue sources within the school. As part of their acquisition of the space, the restaurant has removed all of the large scale fibers equipment aside from the heat press, which they will henceforth use to make paninis.
Bread Johnson (MFA 2027) was a graduate student in the fibers department and is now in training to become a sandwich artist. In response to their department’s transition, Johnson said, “I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the change. I’m a little devastated that I can no longer take the stitch classes I was previously enrolled in, but I think the sandwich department’s new courses are so much more practical for when I inevitably get a job in the service industry.”
Above this story is an illustration of a student flipping meat on a grill.
HED: Register now for your classes…
DEK: With Ticketmaster!
Byline: Wiggles Macjimbus
Students have long bemoaned poor registration times and excessively long wait lists. Finally, a solution has arrived; now, students will get the opportunity to register for classes through Ticketmaster preorder sales. Students can finally compete for the coveted early registration that has long been hoarded by early last names in the alphabet.
For those worried about buying a ticket to register for classes, let your worries fly away. If you can’t snag an early ticket because of scalpers, SAIC will sell premium tickets for twice the price for latecomers.
When the course registration liaison consultant Anna-Chastity-Mary-Faith-Phillip Glomley was asked why the change was made, he replied, “As a Swiftie, I wanted to follow the path Taylor laid out with her concerts.”
HED: Two Chicago Art Schools, Both Alike in Dignity
DEK: Affair between SAIC student and Columbia Student
Byline: Verona Fakespeare/Special to F Newsmagazine
In fair Chicago, where we lay our scene, two students are caught between loyalty to their schools or to their hearts being true. Dandelion Rue, SAIC FVNM Junior, and Paula Paulson III, Columbia Design Major, have dreadfully fallen in love. Will their love prevail? Will it end in tragedy? Will their schools bond over their respective budget issues?
Sources say the pair met at the Starving Artists Fundraiser hosted by SAIC at the start of the fall semester, when Paulson showed up uninvited, intent on pillaging donors. They danced together during a DUCKIZ DANCERS performance and decided to U-Haul together the next day.
HED: SAIC Alumn Shel Silverstein Haunting 280 Building
Byline: The Giving Tree
The ghost of famous author and illustrator Shel Silverstein has returned to the School of the Art Institute of Chicago campus in efforts to finally get his BFA. Silverstein attended the school in 1949, when the school was still the Chicago Academy of Fine Arts, but he was forced to leave the school when he was drafted into the U.S. Army.
Silverstein has made the decision to re-enroll in classes at SAIC as a part of his long list of his unfinished businesses. Students have reported being frightened by the sight of his ghastly visage.
Bwimbles Jimbly (BFAW 2027) said, “I saw the faint reflection of Silverstein’s intense scowl, and it retraumatized me. I was so scared of his photos in the back of his book when I was a kid. ”
Silverstein had hoped to roam the whole city of Chicago, but he’s currently confined to the 280 Building and the Art Institute of Chicago; his range of mobility is limited to where the sidewalk ends.
HED: SAIC Victory Lap for Sports
After yet another undefeated season, the School of the Art Institute of Chicago Pigeons are preparing to flock to their new home. Bulldozing of the Art Institute of Chicago will commence on May 18, and in its place, a brand new sports arena will be built.
Student athletes have long decried the lack of a sports facility to train and practice in. Athletic Director and Writing Department professor, Bill Shakespeare, said, “We’ve never lost a single game or competition. Obviously, our students require and deserve these resources — besides, do people even care about Matisse anymore? ”
In addition to the regulation-sized football and soccer fields, the sports facility will include a basketball court, an ice rink, a rock climbing wall, stables, a track for the equestrian team’s horses, and a driving range for frisbee golf. Seurat’s “A Sunday on La Grande Jatte” will overlook the Olympic-sized swimming pool, and the arms and armour exhibit will be given to the stable horses to train for war.
Don’t forget to claim your free ticket to see the SAIC Pigeons in the Final Four this Saturday, April 4, at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis. COO! COO!
Above the headline is an illustration of the Art Institute being hit by hit by a wrecking ball, with a student holding a football in the foreground.
HED: Flaxman and Flasch: 10 Floor Experience
DEK: Sharp to undergo renovations, making the majority of the Sharp building into one large shared library.
Byline: Leroy Neiman/Special to F Newsmagazine
SAIC librarians have been lamenting their jealousy of the Harold Washington Library, just blocks from the SAIC’s library, for years. “We’re really excited for this opportunity to show Chicago how much better privately maintained libraries can be,” said Librarian Leo “Wormbook” Goldsmith. Eight of the soon-to-be-renovated floors are planned to be a bookstore, which will auction off storage books and artist books from the Flasch. Goldsmith added, “Admin realized that we had a large archive of books and assumed no one looked at them. While I’m sad to see the books and art go, obviously the pros are worth the cons.” SAIC admin has reported that selling the collections will cover 2% of the budget deficit.
