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Numbers That Are Vastly More Important Than the Number of Sexual Partners I’ve Had

There are more important things than the number of partners you’ve had. We put them into a list for your convenience.

By F+

Illustration by Annie Leue

Everyone has a “number.” It’s culturally known to be the total number of people you’ve hooked up with, however you may define that term. In the veritable age of burgeoning sexual enlightenment, most people with places to be typically don’t keep a running list of everything they’ve done with their body. However, according to most coming-of-age movies and TV shows, one’s “number” is often a determining factor in whether or not a group of suburban high schoolers is going to egg your Honda after school.

In this case, a high number is either cause for adoration (if you’re a man) or reason for shame and ostracism (if you’re a woman). I think we can all recall the 1993 cinematic classic “Hocus Pocus,” which spent an hour and 36 minutes ruminating over the fact that a 14-year-old’s number was zero. If I had known that a virgin lighting a candle would garner so much attention, I would’ve broken dorm fire code more than none times.

The cultural implications of feeling obligated to keep track of such a thing is a conversation for another day, but the reality of the situation is that your number doesn’t matter. Live your life. Do what and who you want, however many times you want, as long as it’s consensual and safe. I do, however, wish that society cared as much about other — arguably more important — numbers   such as:

  • My daily fiber intake (in grams)
  • The number of hours I’ve spent playing God with my Sims’ lives
  • My age in dog years
  • My dog’s age in human years
  • The number of dreams I’ve had about toilets
  • The GPS coordinates of every suggestive-sounding gas station slash convenience store (looking at you Kum & Go)
  • The number of times I haven’t choked to death
  • The number of times I’ve filed my taxes by myself (correctly)
  • The current auction price of an 1860s French mantel clock (currently in the $50 to $100 range in case you just bought a haunted chateau and are looking to unload a few ghouls)
  • The number of internet cows that have made me cry
  • How long I can make direct eye contact with another human before having to look away (in seconds)
  • Every one of the six degrees between myself and Kevin Bacon
  • The degrees between myself and Kevin Spacey, which is hopefully all of them
  • The number of days Trump has left in office
  • The phone numbers of all our shitty, idiot politicians
  • My phone number 😉

Get counting!

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