Imagine, if you will, a world where every oddly specific situation you get yourself into has a soundtrack built by two people deeply in love with each other, but are both tragically too gay to function. Now, imagine we have you covered.
Welcome to Mika (aka Li’l Tart) and Emily’s (aka Kumquat) Infinite Playlist, a column where we come up with a playlist for an extremely specific moment in our lives, and yours.
Allow us to set the scene: it’s a brisk night. You’ve just had an alcoholic cider that claimed to be flavored with basil and mint; you’re walking home from your Dungeons and Dragons campaign.
Suddenly, at a crosswalk, a man crosses the street behind you and, as he does, he lets out the scariest laugh you have ever heard. Campus security emails say not to put in headphones when you feel like you need to be alert for danger. You do it anyway because you need to soundtrack this moment of fear with an appropriately toned playlist to properly flee:
“SOS” – Rihanna
You’re basking in the glow of the victory in your latest D&D campaign, everything seems great with the world. Then your spidey senses start tingling. You feel danger! Your first thought is to send out an SOS, and Rihanna’s has the right tempo to keep you at an extremely fast pace. You need to increase the distance between you and this interloper.
“White Light” – Gorillaz
Okay, you think. Maybe it’s the alcohol. There’s always alcohol on D&D night and you also pre-gamed with some Tampico-A-Go-Go*. Maybe you’re overreacting. Yeah, you’re totally overreacting. If TV has taught you anything this whole thing is probably one huge misunderstanding. Dude’s definitely not the Joker. The Gorillaz will not calm you down.
“Tear You Apart” – She Wants Revenge
He — it? Is it a supernatural creature? — speeds up. This song starts playing. What the heck, are you in a scene from a movie? F this. F it right in the ear. It’s definitely NOT the alcohol.
“Run” – Vampire Weekend
If you’re in a movie, then it’s going to be a hip Indie film with a great slow-mo shot of you and your friend, who you completely forgot was with you, running away. Incidentally, your friend does not make you feel safe, but this song was written for two. Plus, it’s always nice to have a buddy in the face of potential — probable? — danger.
“No Sleep Tonight” – The Faders
The lyrics suddenly take on a terrible new meaning in your current situation. Laughing Dude wants your souls something fierce and you can feel that evil aura getting closer. You definitely won’t get no sleep tonight.
“Jellybones” – The Unicorns
Your limbs are giving out already. Darn cardio for being your least favorite form of exercise, darn it to heck! If you survive, you and your friend are going to start training for a marathon so this never happens to you again.
“I Won’t Be Afraid” – Sisyphus
Exhaustion has overtaken you both, forcing your run into a halfhearted power walk. You’ll have to stand and fight. Maybe you’ll roll a natural 20 and be able to kick Laughing Guy’s butt. You’re prepared for death.
“I Got Your Back” – Paul Otten
Your friend reminds you they’ve got your back. They’re scrappier than they look. They are like this song: folksy and charming. Their presence does not comfort you. You still do not feel safe.
“Shut Up and Let Me Go” – The Ting Tings
You can’t help but continuously look over your shoulder. The Laughing Guy is a block away, but you feel his evil aura trying to surround you.
“Ready to Die” – The Unicorns
“Is this is how I die?” you whisper under your breath. This is it. Your last stand. You want the world to know that you actually liked “Batman v Superman” and that people really need to, you know, give the DCEU a real chance.
“I’ll Be Fine” – Clairy Browne & The Bangin’ Rackettes
You turn the corner. BAM! Lots of light, people, and general wholesomeness. You walk a few blocks just to make sure, but it seems the Laughing Guy is no longer following you. Not today, Satan! #Praise #SeriouslySoBlessed.
“SOS” – ABBA
Because it’s always nice to bookend things, and ABBA makes everything better.
*Tampico-A-Go-Go recipe: Get an empty water bottle (recycling, are we right?) and fill it 4/5ths of the way with Tampico Citrus Punch (undrinkable alone). Fill the other fifth with gin. Put this bottle in the refrigerator for at least a week, then enjoy.