Hey girls! Happy Christmas! It’s finally time for red-and-green manicures, sugar cookie-flavored lip balm, and holiday movies that exactly mirror your real live. But with such a diversity of made-for-tv seasonal flicks to choose from, it can be hard to know which will most resemble your one-of-a-kind, totally unique, quirky-but-relatable lifestyle. Worry not — we’ve got you covered. Simply take this quiz to find out which Christmas movie (all streaming now on Netflix) will pull at your own individual, particular, idiosyncratic heartstrings. Here at F, we know that Hallmark knows what it means to be YOU, but we’ve simplified things even further for your viewing comfort. Enjoy!
Describe your physical appearance.
a. I’m white, have blonde hair, and am probably 24. I wear heels in the snow.
b. I’m white, have blonde hair, and am probably 24. I’ve got a real girl-next-door vibe about me.
c. I’m white, have brown hair, and am probably 24. I enjoy glitter on special occasions.
What job do you have?
a. I’m managing my choreographer-fiancé’s career.
b. The small-town newspaper where I wrote tedious stories about dog-walking just shut down because print is dead.
c. I work for an unthinkably evil woman who does professional interior design.
Yeah, but what job do you want?
a. I wish I was a writer. But I could never make it as a writer. It is much more important that I think about everyone else’s needs first.
b. I wish I was a writer. But I could never make it as a writer. My borderline-abusive mother has told me so a million times.
c. I wish I was a person non-specifically involved in theater. But I could never make it in theater. I should stay practical and focus on a possible interior design career.
What’s your relationship status?
a. Engaged! For months now.
b. Engaged! Or, I was engaged. He broke up with me right before the holidays. But I think he’s going to come back!
c. Single! I’ve always been single. I’m a virgin in every single way. I have never even watched a PG-13 movie.
If you are not single, what’s up with your partner?
a. What?! HE’S GREAT! I LOVE HIM!!! HE IS DEFINITELY NOT TOO FOCUSED ON HIMSELF NOR IS HE ONLY USING ME AS A LIVE-IN STAGE MANAGER. The time I asked him if he even cared about me at all, and he texted his publicist rather than even acknowledging the question was a total fluke.
b. What?! HE’S GREAT! I LOVE HIM!!! HE IS DEFINITELY NOT TOO FOCUSED ON HIMSELF NOR IS HE ONLY USING ME AS A POTENTIAL TROPHY WIFE. The time he told me he would only marry me if I uprooted my life and moved to Pittsburg in a week was a total fluke.
c. I am single and I will be forever.
OK, but do you love him?
a. What?! YES!
b. What?! YES!
c. If only I knew what it was to love.
a. No, not really.
b. No, not really.
c. It’s probably best that I focus on this soon-to-be-lucrative budding interior design career anyway.
What should we know about your best female friend?
a. She’s sassy and black and doesn’t have a sex life.
b. She’s sassy and Jewish and has a wild and crazy sex life.
c. She’s sassy and black and is very, very concerned with my sex life.
What would be your one Christmas wish?
a. To find true love.
b. To find true love.
c. To find true love.
What is the most important thing for you and a guy to have in common?
a. That we both like wooden nutcrackers.
b. That we have the same favorite Christmas song.
c. That we are both sort of unhealthily obsessed with “The Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens.
Ideally, where would you meet the love of your life?
a. In a malfunctioning elevator.
b. While he is dressed up as a giant cell phone on the street.
c. In a malfunctioning elevator.
How long after your first kiss should you get married?
a. Exactly one year.
b. About a month.
c. I mustn’t be greedy. A kiss is enough.
But wait! There’s a twist!
a. The man you really love is supposed to cater your actual fiancé’s engagement party.
b. The man you really love is an actor and doesn’t make much money.
c. You are supposed to help design the interior of the engagement party for the man you really love.
Mostly A’s: “Merry Kissmas.” Your boyfriend may be a famous choreographer, but he’s never flirtatiously thrown cookie dough at your face, or texted you that you should get to work on your novel. Soon you’ll break up with him and fall for the hunky hunky guy you randomly kissed in an elevator. That guy has had lots of “failed relationships,” and he will tell you as much no fewer than five times over the course of 90 minutes. Don’t take that as a red flag; he’s a keeper.
Mostly B’s: “A Holiday Engagement.” Your fiancé broke up with you right before he was supposed to meet your family for the first time. Luckily, you just won a pair of tickets to Mexico! So, of course, you should barter the tickets in order to hire a stranger to pose as your fiancé for the family weekend. Don’t worry: It won’t be weird. Your mom will have set up a cot in the guest room anyway. This hunky hunky stranger will call your mom “Mom” in an intimate way in the living room way before you two actually ever kiss. Don’t take that as a red flag; he’s a keeper.
Mostly C’s: “A Christmas Kiss.” You are so lucky to have landed that job with that blonde woman who, for no understandable reason, is publicly cruel enough to make Cruella DeVil look like Nelson Mandela. Her hunky hunky fiancé is the same guy who totally kissed you in an elevator when you were wearing glitter, despite the fact that he’d never met you, and that he was in a serious relationship already; he also won’t recognize you later without the glitter. Don’t take that as a red flag; he’s a keeper.