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My F’ing Advice

In the spirit of the month that reminds us why Hallmark stores still exist, I bring you Valentinesy questions with more reasonable answers than usual.

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Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, so, of course, those with significant others are adding undue pressure to their already tenuous relationships, spiteful single folks are planning parties where they can listen to the Cure and offer up effigies of their exes to some sort of pagan god that doesn’t exist, married people are not doing anything about it, and the pathetic single people are scrambling for a piece of tail before the big day in an attempt to infuse meaning into their lives.

So, in the spirit of the month that reminds us why Hallmark stores still exist, I bring you Valentinesy questions with more reasonable answers than usual. I’ve elicited some help from sexual pioneer, Searah Deysach, former SAIC student and owner of Early to Bed, Chicago’s first female owned sex shop. Not only does Early to Bed have tons of dildos shaped like cute animals (if you’re into that sort of thing), they have classes on how to give great hand jobs. It’s a world of fun. You can visit Searah in real life at Early to Bed , 5232 N. Sheridan Rd. If you visit her in person, you can play with a bunch of sex toys. Don’t you need new batteries for your vibrating tulip anyway? You might as well stop in.

Now onto your questions. My bevy of mostly naked, young, oiled men had a good time reading your emails this month. How could I tell they enjoyed your letters? I have my ways.

Dear Natalie
I am a good Catholic girl from the Midwest. I’m 20 and just started masturbating last year. I’m not kidding. Don’t make fun of me. I’ve had sex before; I just didn’t know how great masturbation could be until recently. How do I become more sexually adventurous? I don’t even know where to start. So many sex gadgets seem to be cheesy or cliché. I am so not interested in padded leopard print hand cuffss
Self Abuse Is Challenging

Listen to Searah. She says, “handcuffs aren’t that much fun by yourself, so maybe start with something more designed for solo action like a vibrator. They make lots of pretty ones these days, and the sensation can really ramp up your fun!” Searah is serious about masturbation, “Oh and lube. Lube makes all sex, even solo sex, so much better!” She’s right. I’ve heard. From the bevy of oiled men. They really know.

Dear Natalie,
I want to get my girlfriend a fun sex toy for us to use for Valentine’s Day, but what can I get her? I want a gift that says, “I think our relationship is fun and I like having sex with you and also I care about you,” but I don’t want a gift that says, “I think our sex is boring and I’m trying to spice it up. Here, put this in your butt.” It seems like there’s a fine line, but I don’t know where to start? help.
Sex Avalanche In Chicago

Well, if you ask me, I think you should just present her with some sort of sparkly butt plug, maybe one that plays free downloadable ring tunes (for you, not her), but Searah has a different opinion. “What about starting off with some edible body paint or my personal favorite, a hot wax candle that melts into massage oil.” Not only would that be slimy, which can be fun during sex, it would probably warm you up a bit in this toe-freezing weather. “A silky scarf to tie hands together or use as a blindfold is very erotic and classy. And feathers. Feathers are fun for tickling her fancy….”

Dear Natalie
I don’t have an S.O., which makes Valentines day a drag. What can I do on Valentine’s Day that won’t totally bum me out? And I’m not looking for some sort of sit-around-and-be-angry fest.
Single And In Convulsions

Searah suggests, “Get your single friends together and watch movies about dysfunctional relationships (Fatal Attraction, The Stepford Wives, anything about Henry XIII), so you can be so happy & celebrate that you all don’t have S.O.s. Then have an orgy. Or go out the night before with your friends who are a couple and always fight in public. Spend V-Day alone with cookies, champagne and lots of masturbation. You are your best lover.” Alternatively, you could drive out to the middle of Iowa and sit in a hotel room by yourself watching cable and drinking beer. Then you could go down to the underground bar in that hotel where there is a creepy window into the pool, where you could watch legs and bikinis kick around. Then you could turn around and watch couples gnaw on each other’s faces, while enjoying mushy turkey tetrazzini. That’s what I did last year.

Dear Natalie
I recently got my junk pierced, and afterwards, I was all, “wait a minute, what happens when someone else I date has their lady junk pierced, and then we get together and our junk jewelry gets stuck together like braces on dorks who are making out in an 80’s teen flick. Does this happen? How do we untangle if it does?
Studs Are In Cunts

First of all, I am prim and proper and don’t understand the piercing of the junk. Call me a purist, but I like my weiners and labias in their normal state. However, given that the kids are prone to poke a big needle through whatever they like these days, Searah gives this advice, “VERY CAREFULLY! Maybe keep some pliers bedside just in case….”

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