Alone on Valentine’s Day? Looking for something a little spooky to fill your heart’s deepest, darkest desires? As a monster-loving expert, I’ve got you covered. Open up Steam or grab your Nintendo Switch because if you’re looking for a whole host of horrific hotties, here are 14 video games you need to check out.
Proceed with caution, this article is horny on main. If you’d rather have a queer-platonic relationship with a monster, scroll to the last three entries.
The Emperor from “Baldur’s Gate 3”
“Baldur’s Gate 3” is one of the biggest games to come out in the last few years. Gamers and “Dungeons and Dragons” nerds alike have sung its praises wide and far. There are many romance options in this game, but did you know you can fuck a mindflayer? If you want to bed a baddie with tentacles, look no further. The dream sequences where you can romance The Emperor bring a whole new meaning to wet dreams.
Your Sleep Paralysis Demon from “Welcome, Dear Human”
You wake up in the middle of the night. You can’t move. You can’t even blink. Beside you is a towering creature with rubberlike skin, glowing eyes, and sharp teeth. It’s been watching you. It’s always been watching you. It could do anything to you in this moment, and you couldn’t even scream. Hot, right? For kinky bastards out there, I implore you to check out “Welcome, Dear Human.” It’s a brand new (it released on Feb. 8!) visual novel, free on itch.io, and it’s a romance like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.
Death from “The Sims 4”
Oh, “The Sims.” What a weird-yet-iconic franchise. Death has always been a Non-Player Character, but it wasn’t until “The Sims 4” that you could finally romance Death without any cheats required. After he reaps the souls of your sim’s loved ones, see if you can catch him before he poofs back away to the netherworld. If you do, you might be able to romance him into joining your sim in a WooHoo bush or even a dumpster for a good time. If the game developers didn’t want us romancing Grim, then why would they have added a hidden trait you can unlock by having a baby with him in the “Life and Death” expansion pack?
Semeru from “Coral Island”
He’s a little too humanoid for my taste, but this merman is undeniably sexy. If you love cozy games, “Coral Island” is another sweet farming simulator game a la “Stardew Valley” and “Harvest Moon.” Part of the idyllic farm simulator fantasy is always the romanceable NPCs. “Coral Island” lets you romance and even marry merfolk. Semeru is the fan favorite of the dateable mers. He’s broody and deep. He’s the head guard of the mer-kingdom. It’s his job to keep the merfolk safe from land-dwellers like you. But maybe you’ll swim your way into his heart and help make peace between your kind and his.
Ln’eta from “A Sucker for Love: First Date”
Now, this is more my speed when it comes to sea creature romance. If, like me, you’re into tentacles but swing towards women, Ln’eta is your girl. “A Sucker for Love: First Date” is an adorable dating sim where you romance an extremely cute Cthulhu woman. There are two other dateable monster girls you can pick as well, but Ln’eta is the star of the show. Sure, you have to go through five potentially deadly rituals to date her, but she’s worth it — even if she ultimately wants to end reality. Overlook the red flags for a chance to smooch her.
Beatrix Russell from “Fallout: New Vegas”
Maybe you’re not looking for romance. Maybe you just want a night of passion. Well, if you don’t need your lovers to have skin and you have 25 bottle caps lying around, might I recommend purchasing a night with the one and only Beatrix Russell? “Fallout: New Vegas” is not only the peak game of the “Fallout” series for gameplay and storyline, but also in bed partners. Beyond Beatrix, you can also have sex with a brain in a jar and a robot that looks about as human as R2D2. If you can face the horrors of trying to download and run “New Vegas” on a modern day computer or console, make sure to stop by and see Beatrix. But be careful, she’s “always been a fan of hog-tying [her] lovers to make sure they can’t escape.”
Muktuk from “Potionomics”
Meet MukTuk, the hottest walrus to ever grace your computer screen. “Potionomics” is a game where you play as a witch desperately trying to run a successful potions business. Unfortunately, it requires quite a bit of math. But if you can survive all the potion rations, you are rewarded with the opportunity to date a slew of fun witches, including the one and only MukTuk. He’s a craftsman who uses bones to make shelves and cauldrons for you. He’s a kind, loud soul who is constantly flexing his muscles and pumping you up. All the characters in this game are incredibly fun (and hot), but none are able to put a smile on your face the way MukTuk can.
Nightmare from “Date Everything”
There are soooo many fun characters to romance in “Date Everything” — the hit dating simulator where all the objects in your house turn into dreamy characters you can fall in love with. Nightmare, the 99th dateable option in the game, is the sexy horror that haunts your dreams. With a million eyes and a tongue like that, what more could you want? She’ll help you face your fears, one way or another.
Fenton from “Romancelvania”
This one is for all your furries out there. Fenton might look like the big bad wolf, but he’s an intellectual with a deep love for leather-bound books. “Romancelvania” turns all the sex appeal of “Castlevania” up to a hundred. You play as Drac, a lovelorn vampire thrown into a reality dating show — think “The Bachelor” but with fangs and fur. From busty pumpkin women to dudebro demons, Drac has many potential suitors. But just look at Fenton! A dark academia werewolf ready to make you howl at the moon? How could you not swoon?
The Princess from “Slay the Princess”
She may look like your average Disney princess type, but The Princess is more than meets the eye. “Slay the Princess” is a truly mindbending, philosophical, and at times depraved choose-your-own adventure. You are sent to, as the title suggests, slay The Princess. But why does she need to be slain? She looks harmless… or does she? It’s a game made to be played over and over and over with each attempt changing an interwoven story. Is The Princess just a princess unjustly chained up and sentenced to death or is she a cosmic entity who will destroy the world? It all depends on the story you tell. Either way, I’d let her chain me up any day.
The entire cast of “Monster Prom”
This list just wouldn’t be complete without talking about “Monster Prom.” It’s the end-all, be-all of monster dating sims. With three titles in the series, you can take a whole murder of monsters to prom, summer camp, and even on a road trip. Date werewolves, demons, vampires, gorgons, ghosts to your heart’s content. There are too many dateable monsters from these games to pick just one. If you want the most monsters for your time, these are the games for you.
Undyne, Alphys, and Papyrus from “Undertale”
Yes, technically, these are three separate dates with three different characters. And yes, technically, you can’t end up with any of them because it’s not even really dating. But it is still a dating mechanic, so it counts! You get to befriend a very awesome skeleton and help two useless lesbians admit their feelings for each other. Sometimes the best date you can go on is a date where the dinosaur lady you’re supposed to be going out with ends up leaving with a fish warrior woman.
Dusa from “Hades”
Personally, I think a gorgon’s severed, floating head is ideal material for a best friend. We’ve now moved firmly into the friendship/queer platonic category of this list! Dusa is an optimistic yet long-suffering maid at the House of Hades. She’s just adorable. But don’t you dare pity her, or she’ll show just how sharp her fangs are. You can romance her like many other NPCs in the game, but (spoilers) at the end of her romance arc, she realizes she isn’t interested in romance. But don’t worry, she still wants to stay friends for eternity.
Krobus from “Stardew Valley”
Krobus is the best video game character of all time. Hands down. This little shadow monster lurks in the sewers of “Stardew Valley.” He’s shy, but he will sell you strange and hard-to-get goods. “Stardew” is a game with many options to date and marry. Everyone who plays this game has an opinion on which bachelor or bachelorette is the best to end up with. For a farming simulator, the fandom really focuses on the romance of it all. However, Krobus offers more than just marriage. If you build up a friendship with him, you can have him move into your home. He’ll gift you rare goodies on rainy days, and hug you every morning when you talk to him. He’s a wonderful housemate and platonic life partner.
