Illustration by Berke Yazicioglu

Every four years we are treated to the spectacle of primary elections, where the major parties pick which candidate they will back for presidency. This process is almost always messy. The primaries are the only time we, as a country, allow the most irrelevant and insane fringe members of each party to take part in actual debates. This typically leads to at least a few awkward moments (like Herman Cain reciting from the Pokemon Movie in his 2011 concession speech), but this year, the bar has been raised.

The GOP, in its scramble to end its current presidential losing streak, has morphed the traditionally clumsy primary process into a full-blown train wreck. This entire catastrophe will only seem familiar to those who attended a high school prom where bath salts were served. In an effort to make this situation more relatable, I have taken it upon myself to explain a few of the shortcomings of this year’s candidates through the only truly universal medium: animal GIFs.

Ted Cruz Doesn’t Know What the Internet Is

Ted Cruz is the latest hardline conservative to come from Texas with presidential aspirations. It’s probably easiest to describe his ideology as anti-Obama, regardless of reason.

For example, Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada, was among the conservatives calling for Obama’s impeachment because of allegations that he was not born in America (point of fact: Barack Obama was 100% born in America). However, even in that debacle, Cruz seemed vaguely aware of what he was talking about (he at least knew what nations were). This is not always the case.

Recently, after President Obama announced his support for net neutrality, Ted Cruz found himself opposing the president, despite not knowing what net neutrality is. Cruz tweeted “Net Neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet; the Internet should not operate at the speed of government” After numerous critics, including fellow republican pundits and politicians, panned Cruz’s statements for not making sense, Cruz decided that it was time to raise the stakes.

Proving that you don’t have to read anything to run for president, Cruz decided to pen an opinion piece for the Washington Post in which he repeats the “Obamacare for the internet” line. Also, he puzzlingly takes a break in the middle of the essay to insult Vladimir Putin, who you’ll notice is not an American representative voting on net neutrality. Roughly 12 people and TheBlaze have taken Cruz’s net neutrality policy seriously as of this week.

This is actual footage of Ted Cruz’s staff trying to coax his eight brain cells into working.

Scott Walker Wants to De-Unionize ISIS

Scott Walker is a born-again evangelical governor who is very nervous about ISIS mounting a physical invasion of America. For the record, aside from Japan once claiming part of Alaska, the last time America was invaded was the War of 1812. Walker understands that if he terrifies Americans, he can position himself as their protector. This kind of act is similar to telling your child that there are spiders in their grape juice, just so you can seem like a hero when you drink it.

Unfortunately, Walker single-handedly offended conservatives and liberals alike when asked how he would handle ISIS. For context, Gov. Walker has faced large protests in his home state of Wisconsin for his anti-union stances. Of ISIS, the governor said: “If I can take on 100,000 protestors, I can do the same across the world,” effectively comparing handling a protest by American citizens to handling a militant terrorist organization in the Middle East. Somehow, the least offensive take on this is that the governor thinks that ISIS is picketing for fair wages.

In this picture, the man on the trampoline serves as Gov. Walker, proudly flexing his American muscle as he front-flips on his trampoline. The dog symbolizes the rest of America, rubbing its genitals against his silly little face.

Jeb Bush is the T-1000 of Lying

Politicians commonly stretch the truth (Bill Clinton’s sex life, Mitch McConnell’s status as a turtle, etc.). However, Jeb Bush is not satisfied with a little creative embellishing. He prefers to blatantly lie in the most puzzling ways possible. In 2013, Bush tweeted, “Why would our President close our Embassy to the Vatican? Hopefully, it is not retribution for Catholic organizations opposing Obamacare.” At no point has any president in recent history tried to close the embassy to the Vatican. The idea that the Vatican is any sort of diplomatic priority is less plausibly believable than Donald Trump’s comb over passing for real hair.

More recently, it was brought to light that Jeb Bush listed himself as Hispanic on a voter form. Bush apologized for the mistake in a tweet that included the hashtag “#HonoraryLatino.” The man who many consider the front runner of the GOP presidential candidates managed to offend both Catholics and Hispanics, so things are lining up pretty well.

This small dog is Jeb Bush, charging forward, veins pumping pure, hot freedom. The red ball is a stand-in for the fact checker at any newspaper in America, sending Jeb’s stocky frame somersaulting through the air.

A Republican Gangbang Breaks Indiana

SB101. You can literally gauge someone’s political standing by saying that phrase and watching their facial expression. The now infamous Indiana bill sought to secure the right for businesses to discriminate against those who violate their religious beliefs (in this case, mainly the LGBTQ community). Backed by literally every Republican presidential hopeful, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, Scott Walker etc., the bill passed the Indiana Senate and was signed into law. This year’s largely Tea Party affiliated field puts a lot of stock in the idea that limiting government and promoting “religious freedom” will save the American economy. It is important to keep this in mind when considering that shortly after passing SB101, some of Indiana’s largest companies left the state in protest. Salesforce.com, a 4 billion dollar company, moved out of Indiana and forbid its employees from doing business in the state. Angie’s List, on the verge of spending tens of millions of dollars in the state to expand it’s headquarters, backed out immediately. The Indianapolis Star published a solid black cover, with white text reading, “Fix This Now”.

Republican hopefuls championed SB101 as a bill that represented their fundamental beliefs. By extension then, their fundamental beliefs broke a state’s economy and diminished civil liberties in the span of days. No amount of badass eagle graphics can fix that.

There has yet to be an occurrence in the animal kingdom that makes as little sense as SB101, so here’s a monkey cuddling with a dog.