Illustration by Hannah Sun

Is anyone panicking about graduating? Do you need sound career advice? Are you unwilling to stop by CAPX, and prefer looking for quick, easy, responsibility-free life plans? Then you know I’m your girl. I spend a lot of time thinking up dreams I can now accomplish with my handy-dandy MFA to back me up. Here’s the list I’m willing to share with you, but keep in mind I’m your competition, and I take no prisoners.

1. Porcelain Doll Puppeteer — it’s like being a regular puppeteer except the puppets move themselves, because they’re haunted. Really, you just have to wave your hands around to make it look like you’re doing something. But, if you’re moving your hands around to follow the dolls, then who’s the real puppet?

2. Fake detective — Run around the streets of Chicago screaming SCULLLAYYYYY or MULDERRRR. This is best done with a friend, but it works as a solo expedition if you try hard enough. Try to find the Mothman. Catch a few demons. And enjoy a cold beer after a long day of investigating or whatever.

3. The person who writes the paragraphs for words-per-minute typing tests — I’m typing this so fast and I don;t even care if theres typos because look im a professional and I have an MFA please hire me to be your secrtary or somehting. (2000 WPM).

4. Adjunct — I would write a description here, but I’m too busy teaching at four different universities with no health benefits.

5. Food-poison taste tester — The free food will be worth it, especially if they pay you enough to pay back your student loans before you’re 85. I wouldn’t count on it though. The real bonus is that you’ll probably die before someone comes to collect your loans. We’re all going to die in debt, you might as well speed up the process with the taste of adventure.