Illustration by Rohan McDonald
President Trump has completed his first year in office, and I’ve completed my first year as a viewer of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” I am not proud of either of these things, they just happened and now, there is no end in sight. While ABC’s television programs aren’t particularly intellectually stimulating and seem to drain the brain of any semblance of critical thought, the only thing I can think about when I watch “The Bachelor” is politics. Who did these people vote for? Did they vote? How have they not talked about Trump AT ALL in the last two seasons?
I am not referring to the black contestants. I am begging the question: How many of these white women are freak-a-leaks for Donnie T? While I have theories about all of the contestants “fighting” for Arie (God, what have I become?), Krystal Nielson is the now-former contestant that I think I’ve got truly pegged: Krystal is Donald Trump. Here’s why:
1. Doesn’t Take Responsibility for Her Actions
During the Week 5 fiasco and its aftermath, she never once took responsibility for anything she did. Nothing mattered except her “hurt feelings.” When she’s in a difficult position, she blames other people. Instead of discussing her own damn self on the 2-on-1 date in Paris, she spent her time commenting on other people’s emotional states. Sound familiar?
2. The Other Women Hate Her
Nobody likes her. Every conversation about Krystal is like “Fire and Fury,” but with more grammatical errors.
3. Her Mouth Vomit Doesn’t Match Her Childish Behavior
She doesn’t even use her real voice, with anyone, but particularly with Arie.
4. Nobody Knows Why She Lasted So Long
Woke Bekah (stalked her liked tweets, she seems to know what’s up), who compared Krystal’s last date to the 2016 election, spearheaded a noble campaign to stop putting up with Krystal’s shit. She actually asked Krystal, during the Week five fiasco, why the f*** she’s still on the show, a question Krystal seemed unable to coherently answer. Very Trump!
5. She Fooled the White Man
It took six weeks for Arie to eliminate someone who threw a temper tantrum over a bowling match and tried to force everyone else to apologize to her for it. Seems like a “Look at those hands. Are they small hands?” kinda meltdown to me.
The only flaw I see in my theory is that during Bachelor Week 6, Krystal was sent home. While it took way too long, and she should’ve been sent home the second she opened her mouth, at least the white man finally realized his mistake. Every day I lose hope that the same could happen to Donald, though his demise would be the greatest thing that’s ever happened to this country.
P.S. I know Woke Bekah made the connection between Krystal and Trump during Week six ’s episode. I did not steal this idea from her. As soon as I heard her voice — aside from the fact that she is orange, lives in Florida, and spells crystal with a K — I knew what kind of Donald she was.
