by Natalie Edwards
A pretty slow month for advice over here at the F news headquarters. I would have thought your post-Valentine’s Day hangovers would have sent you foggy-headed, slutty kiddies running into my loving arms asking for advice on how to cure your STDs with herbal remedies from Whole Foods. Alas, I only received modest mounds of mail this month, much to the advanced boredom of the bevy of oily young men. (Note: the men have been wearing more clothes this month due to inclement weather.) Most of the letters I’ve received have been penned by sad sacks who couldn’t muster up the nerve to hand out their ironic Jewel-Osco purchased Garfield and Odie Valentines to their crushes. You know, the cards that probably seemed like a good idea in the self-check-out lane, the lane where no old man bagging your groceries can make you feel embarrassed about your purchase. But then you probably did some second-guessing when it was time to hand out the special Odie folding valentines to that hottie in your yoga class who is secretly memorizing the sweat stains on your Danskin yoga pants for inclusion in an Ingrid Calame rip-off compilation of spills for his BFA show.
Anyway, on to your questions. Why don’t you all get some real problems next month?
I have a problem talking to boys. I am a cute girl, but I am shy. I don’t know why I’m not more comfortable. What can I do?
Sad About I Can’t (talk to boys)
There are a couple of easy tactics for talking to boys you like. Most involve getting them to accidentally touch your boob. But more subtle tactics can be outlined as followed:
Go up to the boy and say “Hi. I like your shoes.” Once when I was at the other college I went to, a boy did this to me the first day of school, and although it took three years, I eventually slept with him. Liking the shoes totally works.
Fake a southern accent and pretend you’re from out of town, unless you’re in the south, in which case you should fake a non-southern accent, but not a Boston accent, because no one will talk to you if you sound like that. Then ask for directions and then say you were faking the southern accent because you couldn’t think of a reason to talk to the dude. The dude will think you are funny and then you will get a cup of coffee and fall in love, just like in a movie with Meg Ryan.
Act insecure. Boys like girls that aren’t sure about what they’re doing. It makes them feel like they can take control.
Shave your head and get a tattoo of lips on your wrist and wear a Star of David necklace even though you aren’t Jewish.
And in the wise words of our production manager, “Ain’t nothing to it but to do it.”
I’m a shy boy and I’m afraid to talk to girls. I’m not bad looking, but I’m a little bit short, so I’m a little insecure talking to girls taller than me. What should I do?
Sad Always I Can’t (talk to girls)
If you’re trying to talk to girls, most of the time finding a way to touch their boobs on accident will get their attention and make for a great conversation piece. They may act embarrassed or mad, but if you can cop a quick feel, you can check out the merch before you buy. And anyway, girls’ moods change on a dime, so she won’t be mad or embarrassed for long. Here are a couple more ideas:
If you’re really short, girls probably think your wiener is really small, so make sure to talk about your huge cock a lot. Maybe wear a shirt that advertises.
Grow a beard. It will make you look virile. Then talk about how if you don’t shave one day, you automatically have a beard because you’re so manly.
A good way to introduce yourself would involve a mention of how you would “fight for her honor.” Girls have to act a little helpless to draw men in, and men have to act like knights to engage women. It’s just part of the elaborate ritual humans have perfected to find a mate. Like the glorious albatross, American men and women have evolved their mating practices specifically to cover all the areas men and women care about: money, boobs, no retards in either family in case they have babies, wieners, and fat.
Use a cheesy pick up line. They don’t work and everyone thinks their lame, but you might as well come clean from the get-go and let her know how uninventive you are. Some chicks dig that.
Watch Dr. Phil. If you can understand what he is saying, then you can speak to women. Women swear by whatever Dr. Phil says, even if they don’t know it. It’s true: you ARE fat because you want to be fat. Awareness without action IS worthless. Life IS a marathon; it’s NOT a sprint. This is exactly how women think, and look, Dr. Phil looks like a matte-finish wiener, but he snagged some pretty sweet kitty.
illustrations by Amanda Sukenick
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