Your F'ing Horoscope

Aries
Your inquisitive nature will be no excuse for the indescribably hideous crime against humanity you will commit this winter solstice.

Taurus
After months of being stranded on a desert island, your sole companion will intermittently turn into a roasted chicken before your very eyes. You will understand that he’s not really a chicken, but will nevertheless kill him and eat him anyway.

Gemini
Fashion students will giggle behind your back all this month, and then for the rest of your life.

Cancer
During a date, you will recite a joke you heard on TV in an attempt to pass it off as your own.  You will succeed, but then question your decision to borrow a joke that was so fiercely anti-Semitic to begin with.

Leo
To your horror, your roommate will walk in on you masturbating this week.  To their horror, it will be the single most thrillingly pivotal and precedent-setting moment of your sexual behaviors to follow. 

Virgo
Out of frustration your peers will call you an intransigent liberal bully next month. This will surprise and upset you, since all you were really aspiring to be was a mere dickhead.

Libra
Your cat will resent you this week when you buy matching sweaters for the two of you, and again when you cast it as the lead in your all-cat production of Equus.

Scorpio
Conservative America has many cultural buttons, of which you manage to press only two with your provocative new experimental video, Eating the Poop and Baby Sandwich.

 
Sagittarius
Four days from now, your dinner party will be ruined when a casual conversation turns into a tense, religious argument.  Why are you such a little bitch about that stuff?

Capricorn
You will dream that you are attending class naked, and in the dream, your friends and teachers won’t seem to notice.  Then in the following weeks, it will happen twice more, except everyone else will seem to notice.  And it won’t be a dream.

Aquarius
This month, you will experience a life-changing epiphany when you come to truly and utterly realize that the Geto Boys were right in noting that real gangsta’-ass niggers don’t flex nuts, ‘cause real gangsta’-ass niggers know they got ’em.

Pisces
You will resolve to create a public monument celebrating your sex life thus far.  The monument itself will be unnervingly awkward, leaving passers-by feeling cheap and violated.

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