It’s Not a Conspiracy Theory if it’s True
by Nicolette Bond
One night while watching Conspiracy Theory, starring Mel Gibson, my mind began to wander to the bizarre and paranormal. I thought of everything from aliens, and sham moon landings, to dark agendas and secret fraternities. It seemed harmless enough to search for more information on the Internet. After all, it was a Friday night. Logging on to the computer always makes me silently thank military intelligence. Then I think, “Intelligence my ass, those guys were just doing what they always do — having some good old-fashioned fun! To begin my search, I Googled “crazy thoughts” and it brought me to a section on the U.S. State Department’s website which defines “conspiracy theory” as stories that claim “vast, powerful, evil forces are secretly manipulating events.”
This sentence merged onto an image of the Loch Ness Monster that had been swimming around in my mind, and suddenly my heart shouted Eureka! I knew I had to share that scream with the world. By using the government’s own definition, I would say half the stories presented by the media concerning America’s current administration are conspiracy theories. That’s right, I said it. Someone had to. While we’re sipping our hot cup of joe and praying to our newspaper gods, THEY are in the copy room spinning the next morning’s conspiracy theories. And, you better believe they are making it extra inky, so that their lies leave a smudge on our turnin’ thumbs.
Consider the coverage on the latest scandal to hit Washington. The mainstream media has no bones about spreading the baseless rumor that Lewis Libby, the chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, may be indicted in Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald’s CIA leak probe. They might as well get out the foghorn and blast the idea that Karl Rove, the deputy White House chief of staff and long-time top political strategist and advisor to President George W. Bush, may be indicted as well. Seriously though, next thing you know, ABC is going to run video clips of Cheney shape-shifting from hobgoblin to man.
Perhaps the New York Times is finally tapping sources from George Noory’s Coast to Coast. Consider some of this year’s top headlines: Bush lied about WMD’s in Iraq, Government blamed in Katrina disaster, Cronyism pervades the Bush administration, and Harriet Myers as Sacrificial Lamb. I mean, really, what will they say next, that Bush is lobbying for free trade policies that will weaken the economies of the Americas? Or maybe they might broadcast another little ditty on how there is oil in Iraq, and we want some. They would probably talk about the oily spigot of power or something. How are we supposed to believe CNN when they are broadcasting conspiracy theories? I am almost afraid to turn on the nightly news in case the top story concerns some magic bullet.
My problem is not really with the media’s stories, but more their vacillating that bothers me. I mean, why patronize us? Either give us some real old-school, no-nonsense reporting, or go balls-to-the-wall and start with the premise that the Bush administration is a descendant of a reptilian bloodline. If that’s the road we are traveling, then just say the word. I am sure that it will lead to a Masonic temple where they grant you magical powers. All you have to do is wear a weird mask and worship John the Baptist. (Chances are you are already doing that anyways.)
My point has to do with the truth, and the dark shroud that is currently being knitted by the nimble hands of every news anchor in America. President Bush is a good honest guy who sometimes buttons his shirt wrong. Big deal! I have gone whole days with my tag on the outside without knowing it. Only crackpots wearing tin foil hats believe that Bush mismanaged the flood thing, or that he has cabinet members with ties to Halliburton. If you’re in this camp, I suggest you pack your bags and head off to Mexico in search of Chupacabra.
DECEMBER 2005
