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Zoom of the Art Institute of Chicago (ZAIC)

BREAKING NEWS: 280 Building Renamed “Drive Building” After Ryan Gosling Wins Renaming Rights Bid

The newly renamed SAIC building is now ready for a nightcall.

The School of the Art Institute (SAIC)’s Board of Directors has just announced their unanimous choice to grant Canadian actor and musician Ryan Gosling’s bid to rename the 280 Building, which will now be called the “Drive Building” (after the eponymous 2011 box office smash hit in which Gosling starred), with immediate effect.

Formerly known as the Columbus Drive Building, the 280 Building was given its interim name in an attempt to banish the specter of white colonialism from the school, despite the Art Institute of Chicago and its thousands of artifacts looted from third world countries standing right next door. SAIC then opened renaming bids for the 280 Building to all interested parties.

In an official statement about the building’s new name, the board stated that “It is an honor to be able to name a building after a movie with such an extensive cultural legacy." However, inside sources in SAIC administration claim otherwise, asserting that the “Drive Building” name was only chosen in order to cut refurbishment costs on the building’s façade. Said the source, “Why spend money on redoing the entire entry sign when you could simply scrape the ‘Columbus’ off real quick?”

Gosling emerged victorious out of a crowd of five other bidders, who included Chicago’s fresh meat magnate Vienna Beef, megacorporate art school extortionists Blick Art Materials, and film director Chris Columbus of “Harry Potter” and “Home Alone” fame.

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SAIC Announces Spring 2021 Foundry Courses To Be Held Via Minecraft

All final critiques will take place in ‘survival mode.’

Students hoping to work in the foundry next semester won’t have to worry about accidentally catching their KN95 masks on fire while prepping for an aluminum pour. Instead, they’ll just hop onto the SCULP2000 Minecraft server, where complimentary SAIC box logo skins are optional, but not mandatory. 

“We’re sad to sacrifice the hands-on experience, but hopeful that the sandbox environment will provide our budding metal crafters with a wealth of creative opportunities,” said Sculpture Department Chair Blara Sack, adding that all students will receive a diamond pickaxe and 10 apples at the start of the course. 

Access to the Nether will be prohibited during class time but allowed in moderation during open studio hours.

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A Message from Provost Berger: Spring Break Is Cancelled

As briefly mentioned in my email about future COVID-19 plans and procedures, spring break has been obliterated from the Spring 2021 schedule. SAIC will not be elaborating further on this decision. Stop asking stupid questions about why this wasn’t publicized better. In fact, stop asking any questions. Any students attempting to step off campus and go on spring break anyway will be terminated with extreme prejudice. You have been warned.

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5 cool new features in the Mac OS Big Sur update that CRIT doesn’t want you to know about!

1. Creates a CD drive inside of your laptop.

2. Zoom becomes PVP-enabled.

3. Adobe Creative Suite piracy is now easy, legal, and free.

4. Lets you see YOUR FBI agent’s camera.

5. Instant access to SAIC’s 2021-2022 budget.

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SAIC Accidentally Orders 500 PS5 Consoles Instead Of New Wifi Routers

SAIC’s CRIT Department has accidentally replaced its old WiFi routers with 500 new PlayStation 5 consoles, rendering the entire school unable to access the Internet.

The mix-up occurred after a senior member of the department mistook widespread Internet memes about the PS5 being a high-tech Internet router for the actual truth. “They really do look like routers,” said a CRIT Helpdesk worker who preferred to remain nameless. “I guess life really does imitate art. Or, in this case, memes.”

Not all students have met this news with consternation, though. “Well, sure, I can’t access the Internet and do my Research class homework,” said one student in the 162 Residence Halls, “But I have won 12 crowns on Fall Guys in the past eight hours. So, really, I consider this an improvement on my college experience.”

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WANTED: Fluent Simlish-to-English translator for live subtitling of Lil Miquela’s opening speech at SAIC’s Commencement Ceremony 2021.

Please apply on Handshake.

NEWS

What’s — Or Who’s — In A Name?: Introducing The Top 3 Contenders For The “280” Building’s Renaming Rights

Possible Deck and Other Satirical Information

It’s not every day that you’d get to reclaim a building from its shady past and possibly name it after yourself. Building renaming rights are a coveted commodity in today’s post-colonial world, and those of SAIC’s 280 Building — formerly the Columbus Drive Building, after disgraced colonizer Christopher Columbus — are no exception. To envision the future of the 280 Building, we took a look at the top 3 bidders currently vying to put their stamp on SAIC:

3. Blick Art Materials
Blick Art Materials already has ownership of most SAIC students’ lives, with money going straight from on-campus job paychecks into Blick’s coffers. The art supplies company has put in the lowest bid out of the five, but we wouldn’t be surprised if they were granted the bid after all. 

Possible names: The Dick Building, The Blick Building, The Dick Blick Art Student Soul Repository Building

2. Vienna Beef
The hot dog company isn’t content with its iron grip on the city’s sausage monopoly, clearly intending to expand its reach to the other source of fresh meat in Chicago — university students. Will a Vienna-Beef-owned building come with year-round access to free Chicago dogs? We sure hope so.

Possible names: The Vienna Beef Building, The School of the Art Institute of Chicago Dogs Building

1. Chris Columbus
You read that right. Film director Chris Columbus of “Harry Potter” and “Home Alone” fame has put in a bid to rename the 280 Building after himself. While this will certainly immortalize his contributions to the cozy childhood films of current university students, we aren’t quite sure that it won’t also immortalize, well, the very reason we’re renaming the building in the first place.

Possible names: The… Columbus Building

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SAIC Announces Spring 2021 Foundry Courses To Be Held Via Minecraft

All final critiques will take place in ‘survival mode’

Students hoping to work in the foundry next semester won’t have to worry about accidentally catching their KN95 masks on fire while prepping for an aluminum pour. Instead, they’ll just hop onto the SCULP 2000 Minecraft server, where complimentary SAIC box-logo skins are optional, but not mandatory. 

“We’re sad to sacrifice the hands-on experience, but hopeful that the sandbox environment will provide our budding metal crafters with a wealth of creative opportunities,” said Sculpture Department Chair Blara Sack, adding that all students will receive a diamond pickaxe and 10 apples at the start of the course. 
Access to the Nether will be prohibited during class time but allowed in moderation during open studio hours.

show more

5 cool new features in the Mac OS Big Sur update that CRIT doesn’t want you to know about!

1. Creates a CD drive inside of your laptop

2. Zoom becomes PVP-enabled

3. Adobe Creative Suite piracy is now easy, legal, and free

4. Lets you see YOUR FBI agent’s camera

5. Instant access to SAIC’s 2021-2022 budget

show more show less

SAIC Accidentally Orders 500 PS5 Consoles Instead Of New Wifi Routers

show more show less

SAIC’s CRIT Department has accidentally replaced its old WiFi routers with 500 new PlayStation 5 consoles, rendering the entire school unable to access the Internet.

The mix-up occurred after a senior member of the department mistook widespread Internet memes about the PS5 being a high-tech Internet router for the actual truth. “They really do look like routers,” stated a CRIT Helpdesk worker who declined to be named. “I guess life really does imitate art. Or, in this case, memes.”

Not all students have met this complication with consternation, though. “Well, sure, I can’t access the Internet and do my Research class homework,” stated one student in the 162 Residence Halls, “but I have won 12 crowns on Fall Guys in the past eight hours. So, really, I consider this an improvement on my college experience.”

5 cool new features in the Mac OS Big Sur update that CRIT doesn’t want you to know about!

1. Creates a CD drive inside of your laptop

2. Zoom becomes PVP-enabled

3. Adobe Creative Suite piracy is now easy, legal, and free

4. Lets you see YOUR FBI agent’s camera

5. Instant access to SAIC’s 2021-2022 budget

show more show less

SAIC Accidentally Orders 500 PS5 Consoles Instead Of New Wifi Routers

SAIC’s CRIT Department has accidentally replaced its old WiFi routers with 500 new PlayStation 5 consoles, rendering the entire school unable to access the Internet.

The mix-up occurred after a senior member of the department mistook widespread Internet memes about the PS5 being a high-tech Internet router for the actual truth. “They really do look like routers,” stated a CRIT Helpdesk worker who declined to be named. “I guess life really does imitate art. Or, in this case, memes.”

Not all students have met this complication with consternation, though. “Well, sure, I can’t access the Internet and do my Research class homework,” stated one student in the 162 Residence Halls, “but I have won 12 crowns on Fall Guys in the past eight hours. So, really, I consider this an improvement on my college experience.”

show more show less

A Message from Provost Berger: Spring Break Is Cancelled

As briefly mentioned in my email about future COVID-19 plans and procedures, spring break has been eradicated from the Spring 2021 schedule. SAIC will not be elaborating further on this decision. Stop asking stupid questions about why this wasn’t publicized better. In fact, stop asking any questions. Any students attempting to step off campus and go on spring break anyway will be terminated with extreme prejudice. You have been warned.

show more show less

WANTED: Fluent Simlish-to-English translator needed for live subtitling of Lil Miquela’s opening speech at SAIC’s Commencement Ceremony 2021.

Please apply on Handshake.

News

North Pole elves strike over lack of health insurance, hazard pay

Conservative media blames ‘lazy,’ ‘entitled’ elves for ruining the holiday season.

A gust of arctic wind tugs at a series of festive picket signs — one has little red bows in each corner and reads “COVID IS WORSE THAN COAL.” Another, made of gingerbread and lined with gum drops, says “KEEP SICK ELVES OFF THE NAUGHTY LIST.” The frigid air proves no match for the over 500 elves who have gathered at the entrance of Santa’s Workshop this morning.

“They literally pay us in sugar plums sometimes,” said Nutmeg Snookums, who has worked as a ribbon curler at the workshop for almost 97 years. “Elven immune systems  cannot fend off viral infections with candy!” 

The Reindeer Caretaker’s Union has been a prominent voice in leading the strike. They’ve become more vocal after Blitzen began showing symptoms of a mutated strain of coronavirus which he likely contracted while traveling to every country on the planet in a span of 24 hours. Blitzen’s caretakers say he is in stable condition and showing signs of improvement. 

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Elon Musk is both positive and negative for coronavirus, diagnoses himself as COVID-neutral

“2+2=0, right?” he said, presumably high on steroids.

After receiving two positive and two negative results on his PCR swabs, tech mogul Elon Musk has been deemed COVID-neutral by his private physician, Dr. Joe Rogan. Sources say that all test results were processed at SpaceX laboratories.

Despite the inconclusive results, Musk announced that SpaceX is in pre-trial stages of a vaccine for COVID-19, which he will name after his son, X Æ A-12.

“We’ll just call the vaccine Archie-12 when it hits the market,” added Musk. Grimes has since moved to sue him for copyright infringement. 

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“Welcome to Planet Zearth” — Zoom unveils plans for new logo-shaped supercontinent

Skype calls the move “a massive threat to society,” says it could have been prevented had people just remained loyal to their service back in March 2020.

World superpower Zoom has moved its dominance to the geographic realm. Through advanced magnetic satellite technology, Zoom has begun the gradual process of pushing all of the planet’s continents into a single form, which will resemble its crude outline of a video camera. A leaked map of the supercontinent shows no plans for internal infrastructure like roads, light rail, or even airports, just a series of contained pod communities with no visible entrances or exits. 

“Our commitment to connecting world citizens cannot and will not stop in the virtual sphere,” said Zoom in a statement. “We vow to keep you isolated from each other but somehow inextricably tethered to your professional and social obligations for as many hours of the day as possible.”

The supercontinent will continue to provide a competitive market for Internet Service Providers. RCN, Spectrum, Xfinity and a handful of other ISPs are known to have lobbied in favor of the initiative.

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CDC Rebrands COVID for U.S. Audiences, Adds ‘Bad Economy’ and ‘You Could Die Too’ to List of Symptoms

Widespread response has shown the rebranding to be highly effective, as the self-motivated, capital-obsessed masses have since broken their destructive habits of blowing their income (and noses) at bars, restaurants and shopping malls, finally fearing the virus as much as they fear a dip in their FICO score and male pattern baldness.

show more Never gonna give you up

Spreading cheer? Not so much: Santa Claus tests positive for COVID-19, responsible for largest-ever coronavirus superspreading event after defying stay-at-home orders in over 50 countries

Trump drops “China Virus” label in exchange for “Ho-Ho-HOVID.”

show more Never gonna let you down

Coronavirus Excited to Return to School After Winter Break With 20 Million U.S. College Students

After a wild first birthday bash right before the start of fall break, the prominent influencer says she’s looking forward to a new semester with all of her friends. “They’re total party animals who don’t care what anyone thinks about them. It’s such an infectious energy!”

show more Never gonna run around and desert you

Politics

Remembering the Stolid, Immortal Presence of the Vice-Presidential Debate Fly

From larva to stardom to global fame.

Amidst the constant galvanic horrors that 2020 brought our way, one minuscule figure was there to bring joy to an entire nation, uniting hearts both red and blue for two fleeting minutes in a time of extreme political crisis. It is with great sadness today that we mark the passing of one of America’s greatest sweethearts — the Vice-Presidential Debate Housefly, lovingly dubbed the “Pence Fly” by millions.

Born to a working-class brood of maggots, the Pence Fly lived out an uneventful childhood in suburban Utah. Seven days after his birth, having reached housefly adolescence, he left home to attend college at Utah State University, where he developed the habit of sitting on undergraduates’ heads in order to hear and see the lecturers better. While the Pence Fly did not officially graduate with a degree, and left the university citing “personal reasons,” he is to be awarded a posthumous honorary doctorate from USU at their online Minecraft commencement ceremony in May 2021.

Deep in the grips of a midlife crisis after leaving Utah State, 18-day-old Pence Fly decided to crash the 2020 Vice-Presidential Debate. Desperate not to interrupt Kamala Harris while she was speaking, he decided to get back into old habits by sitting on VP Mike Pence’s head instead, where he stayed for more than two minutes — and in doing so, he captured the hearts and minds of a nation.

Pence Fly’s daring feat immortalized him in more ways than one. Besides his newfound fame, Pence Fly discovered that lingering around Mike Pence caused him to absorb the VP’s fabled venomous aura, granting him eternal youth. Emboldened by the elongation of what would otherwise have been a mere twenty-eight-day lifespan, the Pence Fly embarked on a globetrotting journey to discover himself, and was spotted sitting on other famous figures’ heads, such as the Queen of England, Pope Francis, and Lenin’s embalmed corpse in Moscow.

But beneath this amiable, well-travelled exterior was a growing darkness. Last Sunday, the Pence Fly was found dead in Miami, having ended his long sojourn abroad with a tragic cocaine overdose. Police have ruled out foul play.

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AOC appoints blue “Among Us” bean as her Chief of Staff, gets stabbed

“I will continue to draft the Green New Deal as a ghost,” she promises.

show more You’re still here?

Ted Cruz, presumed Zodiac Killer, wins senatorial Among Us tournament for 15th week running

show more HA! You thought

“We helped you win this election — now DON’T fuck it up,” say Black voters in national address.

show more Whoopsie-doodle! Check again!

Exclusive: Secret Service Agent Dishes About Life in Jail with Trump, Laments Not Being Assigned to Obama.

show more Yeet!

Joe Biden Inaugurates Isabelle from Animal Crossing as his Secretary of State

Isabelle set to be sworn in as first virtual, fictional cabinet member in American history.

Isabelle, the mononymous secretarial Shih-Tzu from the smash hit video game franchise “Animal Crossing” has become America’s first virtual and fictional Secretary of State after her historic inauguration last Monday morning.

This decision is the latest in a series of increasingly frequent events where President Joseph R. Biden Jr. has mistaken his “Animal Crossing” island for real life. During his inauguration earlier this month, Biden opened his speech by saying, “Wow, look at that turnout! And I thought these islands could only take up to eight players at a time!”

When asked for comment on Isabelle’s appointment, President Biden credited her for her wit, pep, and organizational genius, stating that “nobody runs a half-abandoned town quite so well as Isabelle.” He said that he was looking forward to seeing her apply her skills to half-abandoned issues in the American consciousness, like water cleanliness in Flint and the CIA’s ongoing undercover operations in third-world countries.

But Isabelle’s appointment as Secretary of State is already fraught with controversy. Besides the outcry from level-headed Democrats — who just want a flesh-and-blood Secretary of State — and confused Republicans — who are unsure about what “Animal Crossing” even is — scandal is also on the horizon. Last month, an audio recording surfaced in which Isabelle talked about designating a trip to another “Animal Crossing” island as “technically a work trip, for tax purposes,” leaving her open to indictments of tax evasion just a few weeks into her appointment.

At the time of writing, the Department of Justice has yet to come to a conclusion on whether virtual actions in “Animal Crossing” can be tried in real life American courts. Do we have a 21st century Watergate on our hands? Only time — and Tom Nook — will tell.

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Entertainment

Academy Awards Nominate Donald Trump’s “Campaign Rally” for Best Original Screenplay

In 2020, “Zoolander” co-star Donald Trump smashed box office records with his 77-part film franchise, “Campaign Rally.” To date, the privately-funded indie project has grossed a whopping $750. And now, Trump is favored to win Best Original Screenplay at the 2021 Academy Awards. 

Described as “eyebrow-raising” by Rolling Stone, “chilling” by The Atlantic, and “a solid replacement for Viagra” by Rotten Tomatoes user Mike Ditka, “Campaign Rally” is a series of one-shot monologues set in American cities whose names conjure proud European origins, like Omaha, Erie, and Kenosha. 

“Everyone has fond memories of studying ‘Hamlet’ in high school,” explained Trump’s stunt double, Mike Pence. “There was something really enticing about the ‘To be’ monologue where Hamlet says, ‘The insolence of office, and the censorship of my dope tweets.’ It felt right.”

Each script for “Campaign Rally” was labored over to capture the essence of Shakespearean tragedy in the mold of King Lear, Richard III, and Macbeth — powerful, misunderstood men surrounded by insurrection, fake news, and witch hunts. “Ol’ Donatello really pushed himself with this series,” marveled accidental sex symbol Tucker Carlson. “He basically abandoned all of his other duties to focus solely on ‘Campaign Rally.’”

If “Campaign Rally: Tulsa 2020” — the franchise’s hallmark installment, which debuted on June 20 — is any indication, Trump does not disappoint his fans. In this scene, we are invited to enter into an intimate relationship with Trump, who looks every part a Shakespearean ruler, dressed in a night-blue L.L. Bean coat and a Hobby Lobby flag pin dangling from his lapel. 

“Campaign Rally” is an early favorite to win Best Original Screenplay, against other contenders such as Lee Isaac Chung’s “Minari” and Aaron Sorkin’s “The Trial of the Chicago 7.”

David Rubin, President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, said: “He’s changing the way we understand how language affects action. Words are weapons, and no one understands that better than Trump.”

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2021 Olympic games announce transition to e-sports

The 2021 Summer Olympics in Tokyo are foregoing in-person events for the comfort of ergonomic chairs and gaming headsets.

Due to rising costs — Tokyo was projected to spend over $20 billion dollars to prepare for the ceremonies — the IOC has informed the athletes that they should start investing in thumb weights and blue light glasses. “We’re making sure that all of the athletes are well-stocked with Mountain Dew and pretzels,” said Thomas Bach, IOC President and rising Twitch star. “We’re professional streamers now.”

Though many details are yet to be determined, there have been leaks about which E-sports will be available for livestream. “Rocket League” will replace soccer; “Super Smash Bros” will fill in for taekwondo; “Counter-Strike: Global Offensive” will stand in for shooting; “Mario Tennis Aces” will replace all sports with a net; and “Mario Kart Live: Home Circuit” will take the place of all races. 

We reached out to Nintendo to inquire about the curious amount of Mario-based contests, but they declined to comment.

Some athletes are scrambling to keep up. Michael Phelps, who is coming out of retirement to compete in the Wii U Swimming Tournament, has not been shy on Twitter about the changes. Phelps publicly blasted the customizable Mii characters for being “discriminatory,” stating that“these arm length options are too short!”

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Disney Enters Production of Untitled “Black Lives Matter” Animated Film Starring Timothée Chalamet

Disney has announced an “Untitled Black Lives Matter” film starring Timothée Chalamet is tentatively scheduled for Nov. 23, 2022. This comes  on the heels of a Tweet from Jennifer Lee, CCO of Walt Disney Animation Studios, revealing the cancellation of “Zootopia 2” because “Cops just aren’t cute anymore.”

Chalamet, known for being a moodier version of Tom Holland, said in an Instagram post, “I am beyond thrilled to represent the Black community!” Eddie Murphy, famous for his animated roles as lovable animal sidekicks, commented to Chalamet’s post with a heart emoji. Shameik Moore, who played Miles Morales in “Into the Spider-Verse,” responded with a face-with-a-monocle emoji. More to follow.

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David Byrne follows up 2017’s “American Utopia” with 2021’s “American Dystopia”

“Same as it ever was,” sighs homebound SAIC student in their beautiful house, with their beautiful wife.

show more Got your hopes up, didn't we?

First nightclub reopens in New Zealand, transcends plane of earthly existence after WAP plays for first time

show more Why hello there ;)

2021 Super Bowl LV Halftime Show to Feature Livestream of Tory Lanez’s Trial

Amber Heard to provide color commentary.

show more What's a headline like you doing in a deck like this?

Netflix Rings in the New Year with a 10-Hour Loop of “Dog of Wisdom”

Bah dah bah. Bah bah bee bah da bah.

show more Well here I am. What are your other two wishes?

Arts

AIC’s Sudden Closure Traps Tourists in Museum Until Vaccine Released; Pandemonium and Cannibalism Ensue

The Art Institute of Chicago’s sudden second-wave shutdown has stranded a small clan of tourists, art students, and employees within its many wings. “The cafe ran out of food after three days,” security guard Mary Bellwether, 54, told us via an increasingly laggy Zoom call. “We couldn’t fathom eating these masterpieces, so on the sixth day, we ate a New Yorker who wouldn’t stop talking about how ‘quaint’ Chicago was.” 

Passers-by outside the glass-walled Modern Wing have remarked on the mayhem unfolding within as “probably some sort of performance art piece.” With AIC leadership remaining silent on the crimes against humanity being committed within their institution, the trapped visitors can only hope that the museum's doors reopen soon.

“Please, please stay home and socially distance,” Bellwether pleaded. “We won’t be out of here until these Tier 3 mitigation restrictions are over. Or until the vaccine comes out, probably in the spring. It’s only January? Oh, G—” A garbled scream was heard in the background as Bellwether’s phone fell to the ground and her video feed blacked out. 

At press time, a group of enraged, hungry tourists had captured yet another bespectacled art student in a net made of woven show brochures.

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“You Can’t Sit With Us!”: Ivanka Trump’s hopes of returning to New York art scene dashed following dad’s numerous human rights abuses

“I mean, Nike made social justice cool, so it’s just completely embarrassing that she’s derived so much wealth off of someone so unethical,” fashion designer, equestrian, and socialite Ariana Rockefeller, 38, told us. “But I never told anybody that because I am such a good friend.”

show more Is it hot in here or is it just me?

Cash-strapped AIC attempts to sell pieces back to home countries; Shipment is “looted” in the process, according to museum reps

“They took our property! They looted us! That’s underhanded! That’s sick! There is absolutely nothing worse than the looting of private property!” an increasingly unhinged Robert M. Levy, Chairman of the AIC Board of Trustees, ranted at a press conference.

show more If you were words on a page you’d be fine print.

After Tock, Galleries Turn to Grubhub in Next Step of Pandemic Modifications

You can now get a $90mil Hockney delivered to your home, contact-free — with a substantial service fee, that is. After the first wave of COVID shutdowns, some art galleries began using Tock, the upscale restaurant reservation app, as a way of scheduling viewers while managing social distancing measures. Now, with a second shutdown underway, museums have started looking at Grubhub as a way of connecting art with art-lovers. 

“Why Grubhub?” James Rondeau, President of the Art Institute of Chicago chuckled amiably. “Well, Uber charges a 30% commission and we just couldn’t afford that. And the Doordashers were always getting a little aggressive with our art handlers about wait times. Plus, one showed up on a bike to pick up a Hirst sculpture.”

Grubhub drivers across the city have been imbued with a new hope and elation. “It’s like winning the lottery,” a driver who chose to remain anonymous told us, “My buddy delivered a Twombly and with the 20% service fee and generous $10 tip he made, like, eight million dollars! Well, eight million and ten.”

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Pantone Announces 2021 Color of the Year to be “Anything But Blue or Red”

Pantone, the popular dating app for coloring book enthusiasts, has chosen the Color of the Year for 2021 — “Anything But Blue or Red.”

“Last year we selected Classic Blue to suggest the sky at dusk,” said Seafoam Green-Smith, Executive Director of the Pantone Color Institute. “We wanted to ask what 2020 would hold, and the universe answered.”

The process for Pantone’s color selection has long been shrouded in mystery. Last year, Smith adamantly denied a TikTok investigative reporter’s video that they caught the director ritualistically reciting Nyan Cat video comments in the forests of Dublin. What is known, is that every year, a select number of global representatives lock themselves for two weeks in an underground bunker somewhere in a European capital, where they throw fisticuffs over the cultural zeitgeist. Tempers easily flare. Said Smith, “PewDiePie wouldn’t speak to me for days after I suggested that the new PS5 was eggshell white and not goose white.”

Nevertheless, 2021’s “Anything But Blue or Red” is the color of anarchy. It’s a striking rebellion against electoral maps and gender reveal fireworks. It’s a timeless acknowledgement that the world is as fucked as North Dakota’s 8th District, who in November elected a man who died of coronavirus to their state House of Representatives.

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Local Arts Editor Distressed About Lack of Arts News During a Global Pandemic

The F Newsmagazine Arts Section Editor addressed SAIC students directly: “Please answer our call for submissions. Please. It’s okay to think about things besides the coronavirus.”

show more SIKE! Nothing to see here!

Lit

Review: “Barking and Nothingness,” the debut memoir from Bunny the Sheepadoodle

The TikTok sensation has revealed herself to be the existentialist thinker of the century.

It’s a brisk morning on the outskirts of Tacoma, Washington. A seagull shrieks in the distance, only to be heard by our protagonist — a dog whose sense of self and perception of reality are yet to be defined. This is how Bunny the Sheepadoodle entices readers who have just cracked open “Barking and Nothingness,” a testament to her own ontological awakening which began when her “Mom” (now her agent) presented her with a range of paw-friendly buttons with verbal queues. Since then, Bunny has not only mastered literacy, but also confronted a plethora of existential questions, both of herself and the universe.

“Barking and Nothingness” is the culmination of months of critical thought and exploration from within Bunny’s inner world. As she teeters on the edge of grasping object permanence, Bunny suggests that the only reality is what she can see, smell, hear, and taste. But, she ponders, what does this mean when she can hear and smell realities that her human counterparts cannot? It’s an eye-opening journey for those of us whose admiration of our furry friends is grounded in our perception of their naïveté and the assumption that their cognitive capabilities only extend as far as their impulses. 

Let it also be known that Bunny cannot hold a pen nor can she type on a keyboard. Though “Barking and Nothingness” is available in print, it is an adaptation from the audiobook which strings together over 150 hours of Bunny’s button board voice.

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Romance Novel “Courting the Coronavirus: A Positively Viral Love Story For the Ages” Shortlisted for 2021 Man Booker Prize

  “A book that’s waiting to be discovered, much like the vaccine.”

  “Engaging; ends before it begins!”

 “Brilliantly obvious, devastatingly beautiful, a relatable tale of romance. Shakespeare, step aside! Romeo and Juliet is so yesterday!”

 “A must-read for high school English classes for its lack of description, poor character development, and mind-blowingly complex plot. Giving it four stars because the sequel isn’t out yet.” 

Others in this category that were not shortlisted, but heavily recommended by the committee include: “Scissoring with Rona: A Sickenengly Erotic Tale,” and “The Deadly Kiss: How Did It End Up Like This?”

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Comics