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Slut Saga: The Anonymous Ones

By Featured, Literature

Illustration by Meghan Sim

This piece contains a content warning for suicidal ideation, depression, self-harm, and eating disorders. 

 

My sex life before being prescribed SSRIs was amazing.

I was a horny teenager. I masturbated daily — often two or three times a day — and I could make myself orgasm in minutes. Hard. I remember my orgasms as strong and long-lasting. 

I had so much fun with my solo-sex. Teenage me dreamed of the heightened pleasure I’d experience once I became sexually active with a partner. Great sex was all I wanted.

It still is…

…  

SSRIs (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) are a type of drug commonly used to treat anxiety, depression, and mood disorders. The three most common SSRIs are Zoloft, Lexapro, and Prozac .… and in 2022, approximately 83.4 million people were prescribed one of these medications. 

 SSRIs work by increasing serotonin levels in the brain.

“Serotonin is a neurotransmitter (a messenger chemical that carries signals between nerve cells in the brain). It’s thought to have a good influence on mood, emotion and sleep. After carrying a message, serotonin is usually reabsorbed by the nerve cells (known as “reuptake”). SSRIs work by blocking (“inhibiting”) reuptake, meaning more serotonin is available to pass further messages between nearby nerve cells,” writes the National Health Society. (NHS) 

The leading theory states that mood disorders like depression and anxiety are likely caused by a deficiency of serotonin in the brain. Therefore, by increasing the amount of serotonin in the brain, the symptoms of these mood disorders can be decreased. 

But you know what else uses neurotransmitters in the neurological process? 

Sex. 

It is known that an increase in serotonin affects other hormones and neurotransmitters such as testosterone and dopamine. This may lead to side effects of sexual dysfunction, as testosterone may affect sexual arousal, and dopamine plays a role in achieving orgasm,” writes Pharmacists Kristyn Straw-Wilson and Elizabeth Jing.  

This is why SRRIs are infamous for producing reduced sexual desire, reduced sexual satisfaction, impotence, and anorgasmia (the inability to have an orgasm). 

The first time I seriously considered killing myself was in 2015 as a sophomore in high school. The timeline to get to that point wasn’t simple. I started thinking about all the ways a person could die as early as the 5th grade, but it wasn’t until the 9th grade I developed severe symptoms of depression and anxiety.

It was sometime after October 2013 when something in me dwindled and dimmed. I was 14 at the time, and suddenly, I was not smiling the same as before. By May 2014, my favorite history teacher at school had asked me if something was wrong (my shift in mood was that visible to outsiders), and by August 2014, I was in therapy. 

Fast forward a few months past August, and I fell in love with a boy. I adored him with the fervor that only a 15-year-old can feel, and when he broke up with me — because I was depressed and unable to maintain a relationship — my world crumbled. I stopped eating;  I began cutting; I hoarded and hid in my room approximately 70 pills (that my pediatrician had prescribed me for a different ailment) with the intention of eventually ending my life. 

Things didn’t get better after that. 

I continued to suffer throughout high school, two gap years, and two years of college with feelings of despair, debilitating hopelessness, depression, and anxiety. Four therapists came and went. I actively planned my death a number of other times and somehow managed to keep my eating disorder and self-harm a secret (not really). 

I wanted to try medication from a young age — foolishly thinking it would magically cure me — but because of the stigma around antidepressants, I never asked any of those four doctors about it. 

I was 21 in 2021, and with my newfound adulthood came a newfound strength to advocate for myself in ways I had previously been too shy for. I finally had the courage to ask Therapist #5 about the possibility of medication. 

This older woman on Zoom had only known me for 50 minutes, but she agreed that with my debilitating depression and anxiety, I would likely benefit from antidepressants. Therapist #5 put me in touch with Therapist #6, and Therapist #6 immediately prescribed me Zoloft. 

I was so ecstatic at the prospect of finally being cured that I kept a journal titled ‘The Zoloft Diaries.’ In it, I tracked my mood changes over the course of two weeks. I transcribed ‘The Zoloft Diaries’ into an essay, comparing my text to Paul Preciado’s “Testo Junkie,” and handed in that as my final paper for a philosophy class. 

I was on Zoloft, and I wanted everyone to know. 

It was also around this time that I met a man with whom I’d — unsurprisingly — fall in love again. He was the first person I took to bed. 

Most people don’t achieve an orgasm the first time they have sex, but even under those awkward first-time circumstances, I could tell something was off. My body wasn’t responding the way I was used to: I wasn’t aroused, and his fingering felt okay rather than good, or ideally, great

It only took my SSRIs five days to ruin my sex drive. 

A few months later, when I mentioned this unnerving sexual numbness to Therapist #6, and suggested switching from Zoloft to another medication, their response was, effectively, to suck it up. 

I was told in broad terms that it was “more important to stay alive than to cum.” Their priority as a doctor was to keep me from killing myself … and besides, the sexual side effects would likely diminish with time. I just had to hold out. 

A year passed and nothing changed. 

I engaged in unfulfilling sex, going through the motions because I loved my now-boyfriend (the guy I had fallen in love with), but not because it brought me any physical pleasure. 

I grew increasingly ashamed of the failures of my body. 

I routinely dismissed any attempts he made at pleasuring me because I couldn’t find anything that made me feel more than just neutral

When I brought up my sexual numbness to Therapist #7, she lowered my dosage in an attempt to reduce the negative sexual side effects but refused to take me off the medication entirely. 

“There’s a procedure I have to follow,” she said, “I have to explore every possibility — every dosage — with your current medication before I can switch you to something else.” 

I was once again made to hold out. 

More months and months of my partner getting off every time we had sex, but not me. I liked the emotional intimacy of sex, but not much else. The way I viewed my body and my relationship to sex was, by now, profoundly tainted by the notion that I was inherently no better than an object. I was there to offer him pleasure, but not deserving of it myself. 

I felt like a tool. Tools are not made to feel pleasure, but rather, offer a service to the user. My body was nothing more than a glorified fleshlight. 

Eventually, when the lower dosage proved to be unsuccessful, Therapist #7 switched my medication from Zoloft to Lexapro. Although rare, some people who do not feel sexual arousal on one medication find a way to regain their sexual feelings on another. We had no reason to believe this would be the case for me, but it was my only hope.

I think the truth is we both knew SSRIs did not work for me, but the way medicine is practiced in the United States doesn’t allow for deviation from the checklist of procedure. 

According to some studies, 40% of SSRI users will suffer from sexual dysfunction, with that number reaching as high as 73% for users on certain medications. There are so many SSRI users who have endured what is now being called “chemical castration,” but despite the commonness of these side effects, practitioners and drug companies offer few alternatives.  

There are so many of us, The Anonymous Ones, going about our days and living our lives with the heavy secret of antidepressant-induced sexual impotence. 

And it’s a burdensome and isolating secret. 

It often feels like there is no one to turn to — sometimes not even our doctors. 

We might turn to our partners, but while they might be sympathetic toward our conditions, sometimes that gap of experience is stress-inducing and fracturing to a relationship. 

We might turn to our friends, but it’s a hard and embarrassing conversation to have. There is already a stigma around depression and medication. How are we supposed to pile sexual dysfunction onto that negative stereotype? 

Because we often choose to be anonymous (even within the depressed community), we can’t tell who is going through a similar situation. Where are the people who feel broken in the same way I do? — sometimes because of my depression and other times because of my sexual dysfunction.

Who could possibly understand me? 

Today, Therapist #8 gave me the green light to stop taking my SSRIs. It sounds cliché, but a weight was lifted from my shoulders when I heard those words. I had been yelling into a void for three years, and only now had someone listened to me. I finally felt seen and validated after feeling invisible for so long. I exhaled in relief and sunk into my seat. 

I immediately researched how long it would take for me to regain my sexual capabilities after tapering my SSRIs to zero. According to the internet, anywhere between a couple of weeks to a couple of months — if ever. 

Some people never bounce back. 

But I’m young and I only took SSRIs for three years. The fatty cells in my body (where the SSRI chemicals are stored) should be able to purge themselves in time. My doctor and I are hopeful.

… 

So, now that I’m off SSRIs, what will I be doing to avoid the deep suicidal depression that I described above?

There’s a big difference in who I was at the age of 15 and who I am now — just a few months shy of my 25th birthday. I have grown in ways I never expected to (not to mention that I did not believe I was going to age this much in the first place). The older I get, the more resources I collect to help me stay safe in times of danger. 

First of all, with therapist #8, I’ve finally found the right doctor. She’s kind and wise and funny, and I adore her very much. There is finally a medical professional I can trust.  

Second, I’ve built the valuable resource of a community in Chicago. I haven’t been here for long, but I already have a long list of dear friends who would act as a support system if things got rough. Together, we operate under the belief that “we’d rather listen to each other speak, than listen to each other’s eulogies.” We’re here to uplift each other, to care for each other, and protect each other when one of us needs to be nursed back into a healthy mental state. 

Lastly, I have developed the language and the skills to recognize when I want to hurt myself. I feel equipped with the strength to ask for help when the time comes to speak up. 

…It might seem silly, but I have a gut feeling that I’ll be alright. 

There’s a little voice in my head that is confident going off SSRIs is the right decision. I’m hopeful because, for some unknown reason, this is the first time in many years that I do not experience seasonal depression. It’s likely because I have all these protective measures set around me. 

There is irony in the choice (and sacrifice) of being mentally healthy, but sexually unhealthy, which brings on a depression all of its own.

I’ve been alienated from my body and from my sexual pleasure for so long, I don’t know what the alternative feels like anymore. It’s fucked up and confusing, and I’m angry I spent my formative sexual years suffering under the negative mindset that my body was to be used rather than enjoyed. I’m sad that I never once prioritized myself during sex during that time. I’m troubled that I dehumanized myself daily. As my SSRI side effects lessen, I hope to unlearn these behaviors and learn new ones. 

Part of me feels like I lost three years of my life to SSRIs and the seven doctors who refused to listen to me. 

It is not my intention to demonize SSRIs. I simply envy those who can have their cake and fuck it too — the users who can experience the life-saving effects of antidepressants without the demoralizing side effects.

I wish that was me, but it’s not. 

So what can we as a society do to better support the anonymous depressed and anxious folks suffering from SSRI-related sexual side effects? What conversations can we have about sex, depression, medication, and the medical system that will uplift — rather than isolate — The Anonymous Ones? What can we do to improve this pressing but unsaid problem?

Because my bet is that you’ve met an Anonymous One. You just don’t know it. 

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Heat Death

By Comics, Featured Comics

Heat Death
By Veronica Timble

Panel 1: Text reads: The World Ended in a fiery eruption of raw heat and energy.
Image shows a purple and black explosion in space. Sound effect reads: “BOOOOOOM”

Panel 2: Text reads: “But before that…”
Image shows a suburban backyard from a bird’s eye view. The roof of the suburban house is visible, and the backyard has clipped shrubs and a white-picket fence.
Panel 3: Text reads: “We had 326,028,417 days of good, American summer.”
Image shows a barbecue with hot dogs and meat on it.
Panel 4: Text reads: “Every week we would come up with new things to say to one-another.”
Image shows a cooler filled with ice and beers.
Panel 5: Text reads: “We would eat, and drink, and eat again.
Image shows a porch with a set of matching patio furniture and umbrella.”
Panel 6:Text reads: “And sometimes, while floating face-up in the pool, staring at the sky… We were overcome with a joy so powerful we thought we could burst.”
Image shows a pool with pink pool floats from a birds-eye perspective.

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A Tale of Becoming

By Comics, Featured Comics

Page 1:
Panel 1: A man fixing his tie
Panel 2: Two people conversing while one has a phone in their hand
Panel 3: A person in Lolita fashion standing on a train
Caption:
I see all kinds of people on the train, businessmen on their way to work, teenagers huddled
around a phone, and very occasionally, a pastel, frilly cupcake silhouette, accompanied by a
head of curly pigtails and a laced headpiece, silently commuting to their stop.

Page 2:
Panel 1-2: Women in Rococo fashion in elaborate picture frames
Panel 3: A shot of Harajuku, Japan
Panel 4: Two dress forms in different outfits in Otome-kei
Caption: This fashion subculture is called Lolita. Taking inspiration from Victorian clothing and
French Rococo, this movement first started during the 1970s, in Harajuku, Japan – a major hub
of extreme and outlandish fashion. Some consider its predecessor to be Otome-kei, a hyper
feminine fashion style that is comparatively more casual than Lolita fashion. Similarly, the cute
and elegant image is vital to both styles.

Page 3:
Panel 1: Image of Mana from the band Malice Mizer
Panel 2: Image of a character from the film Kamikaze Girls
Panel 3: A hand holding a fashion magazine with many other magazines in the background
Caption: From its birth to the turn of the millennium, Lolita fashion was then popularized by
Visual Kei bands like Malice Mizer and the hit film “Kamikaze Girls”.The subculture thus earned
a reputation in fashion magazines of the time like Fruits! Magazine and Keroauc Magazine,
which focused on documenting Harajuku fashion trends.

Page 4:
Panel 1: A girl in Lolita fashion looking at clothing poster
Panel 2: The girl walks down the street with other people
Panel 3: The girl turns her head back after listening to some people make comments about her
– “What the hell was she wearing? Is she going somewhere?”, “Shh…!!! She can still hear us,
you know!”
Caption: However, under the countless layers of petticoats and dresses gilded with lace, lies a
revolution of cuteness. It is a rebellion against western beauty standards, a rebellion against
societal expectations of adulthood, a rebellion against all the forces in the world that stop you
from being yourself.

Page 5:
Panel 1: Interviewees standing on a balcony
Caption: “Humans are cowards in the face of happiness, you need courage to hold onto
happiness” -Momoko Ryugasaki (Kamikaze Girls)
Being a modern day Lolita definitely isn’t easy. Depending on the location you live in, the
treatment you end up receiving from people may differ.
Kathlyn (Switzerland): “I have really bad anxiety and people in Switzerland just shamelessly
stare. A lot of people have taken pictures of me without consent.”
Rion (Shanghai): “One time in Shanghai, a drunk man grabbed my wrist without warning ‘cause
he wanted a picture with me and I kinda freaked out.”
Honney (Mexico): “Being a Lolita will always be a little hard since the fashion was created to
make society uncomfortable.”

Page 6-7:
Panel 1: A group of people in Lolita fashion standing in a circle with their backs against each
other
Caption: One thing’s for sure, it takes a lot of love and passion to wear Lolita fashion out in
public, where judgement seems to follow them around everywhere. Like stars shining bright, this
is how Lolitas would like to see themselves, and this is precisely who they are, adorned by the
embrace of lace and ribbons.
Rion: “It makes me feel pretty! I used to be extremely uncomfortable with my femininity but I
think lolita started making me feel happy in my own skin.”
Nole: “It gives me a lot of self-satisfaction, I look pretty and I feel special in ways that ordinary
clothing cannot convey.”
Kathlyn: “I feel like I’m living my childhood dream. I grew up in a very strict Asian household and
lolita always makes me feel like I finally made it.”
Samantha Marie: “Lolita makes me so happy. I feel like I’m at my strongest when I’m in a good
coordinate, I feel powerful and femme. The way it looks, the colors that make up the outfit, the
way the items feel on my body all bring me so much joy. Lolita always feels extra fun to put on
and go out in. I love the community that forms around it too.”
Jai: “I gained a confidence I didn’t know I had, growing up I struggled with my gender. It was
always easy to dress boyish and masculine but I couldn’t find anything that truly made me feel
feminine until I found lolita fashion.”
Honney: “Lolita fashion makes me feel like myself, I have tried so many styles but I never felt
myself.”
K: “Dressing in lolita and creating coordinates is self-fulfilling to me as it allows me to create an
image of myself where I can embrace my femininity despite my gender identity.”
Vanya: “It makes me feel pretty and confident. It is also a very nice community that makes you
feel included and that you belong somewhere.”

Page 8:
Panel 1: A lolita and another person are going down the escalator
Panel 2: An incoming train is arriving at the platform
Panel 3: The person and the lolita are waiting by the platform

Caption: While the motive behind this culture primarily benefits the self, I think the act of
partaking in Lolita fashion has impacts beyond personal needs. It can be incredibly inspiring to
people who are in the process of finding themselves, of self discovery; to people who don’t feel
comfortable in their own skin; to people who may not yet have the confidence to become what
they want to be.

Page 9:
Panel 1: Closeup of the person’s face
Panel 2: The person trying on different clothes saying, “Crop tops are trendy these days, right?”,
“Isn’t wearing a dress too attention seeking?”, “The loud noise from walking in heels makes me
uncomfortable.”
Panel 3: Another lolita exits the train and passes by the person
Caption: For me, strained by the insecurities and uncertainty that often comes with teenage
years, it was nothing short of a magical encounter upon discovering lolita fashion and seeing
Lolitas unapologetically expressing themselves, braving the eyes of the public.

Page 10:
Panel 1: The two lolitas greet each other
Panel 2: The two lolitas go up the escalator
Caption: They redefined what it meant to be true to oneself, how self confidence can be
embedded into cream-colored lace wrist cuffs, and how heavy these small triumphs weigh in a
world that might otherwise feel suffocating.

Page 11:
Panel 1: The person reaches out her hand to one of the Lolitas
Panel 2: The lolita turns her head around
Panel 3: The person says, “I just wanted to tell you two that I love your outfits and everything.”
Panel 4: The lolitas reply saying, “Oh, thank you!” and “That’s really sweet of you to say.”
Caption: This is not a tale of a single person’s becoming, this is a collection of beautiful stories
woven together, with one story influencing the next.

Page 12:
Panel 1: The person opening their closet
Panel 2: The person holds out a dress on a hanger
Panel 3: A person with a hairdresser behind them holding up a mirror
Panel 4: Legs with mismatched songs
Panel 5: A person with a big jacket, and someone saying, “It’s a serve” outside the frame.
Caption: While not a lot of people see lolita fashion as something they would ever try in life, I
hope the composure and self-assurance of lolita culture can inspire you to do things you’ve
always wanted to do, but never did. So go dye your hair a color you’ve always wanted, wear
outrageously mismatched socks today, buy the jacket you don’t think you’ll pull off. Life is too
short to be denying yourself of who you are and who you want to become!

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Loving the Monster: The Ballad of Monstrous Men and ‘You’

By Entertainment, Featured, Literature

Photo illustration by Sanjana Joshi

 

A previously published version of this article erroneously stated the release date of Season 2 episode 4 of ‘You.’ This text has since been updated to reflect the correction. 

“I can fix him.”

It’s a phrase that spreads around the internet like wildfire every time TikTok, Tumblr, and the rest get ahold of a new problematic favorite character — especially skinny, hot, murderous white men. As movie and television studios comb through the literary landscape to find new gems to bring to the screen, more and more of these men enter the villain-to-protagonist zeitgeist. 

More often than not these are characters that have tragic backstories they use to justify inflicting violence and stalking on others — often, but not always, on women.

Meanwhile, in the literary world, there is a rise in stories written by women told from the villain’s point of view, including dark romances featuring gaslighting and manipulative male characters. The inner monologue crafts the narrative and in some cases, delves into the antihero’s monstrous thoughts.

When these tropes get translated onto the screen, do these monstrous men lose some of their monstrosity? Their behavior is more rationalized by the lens of the camera — something that a movie like “Saltburn,” which came out last November, sidesteps by not having source material with which to compare it. Do adaptations glamorize the monster?

“You” is a fascinating example of this character trope and problematic transformation from novel to screen. No, not you, but “You” — Netflix’s bloody stalker romance series based on the book series of the same name by Caroline Kepnes that follows unlucky-in-love book lover Joe Goldberg (played by Penn Badgley) and the pile of bodies he leaves behind him as he goes on his romantic journey to find “the One.” 

The show’s structure tries to retain Joe’s depraved inner monologue from the books by including near-constant voice-over throughout each scene. This creates some interesting and fun moments, but it is very different from the constant creepy thoughts within the book.

So far “You” has seen three full-length seasons, with a fourth season split into not one but two highly-anticipated releases, and a fifth season on the horizon.

Joe is the heart of the show, and what a twisted heart it is. We last saw him spiraling out of control after fleeing to the U.K., and living out a BBC Sherlock-esque mystery. It’s a far cry from the simple Season 1 story of stalking, falling for, gaslighting, and murdering an MFA Creative Writing candidate in New York.  

With nearly every kill, there remain reasons to root for TV Joe. He’s kind to the bullied and disadvantaged young kids that populate the various seasons. One of my favorite scenes from Season 3 is when Joe and his wife, Love Quinn-Goldberg (played by Victoria Pedretti), murder their neighbor for being an anti-vaxxer and infecting their baby with measles. TV Joe is a monster, but he’s redeemable. He’s doing it for love (lower case, usually), and he wants to be a hero, as many antiheroes do. 

Book Joe is a very different beast. There are no kids he protects. He does eventually have a baby, but he is never allowed to be a father because Book Love knows he is dangerous. His kills are not justifiable, his stalking is far worse, and his thoughts are constantly sexually threatening. The women he chases after are not “the One.” They are his prey. Book Joe even ends up in prison, whereas TV Joe never seems to be caught or punished. 

In the show, you can’t help but find something likable about him. Even his voice-over is often funny. There are a myriad of YouTube videos of quirky clips of Joe and listacles online of reasons the audience loves him. Badgley is often in interviews and on X (formerly Twitter), reminding fans that Joe is not a good person.

When Season 5 drops, I’ll be joining the millions of viewers tuning in to see where the story goes, because it’s damn engaging. The series has now heavily diverged from the source material of the books; Joe has become less the terrifying and overtly sexual stalker and more a romanticized killer.

Television and film do something strange to these kinds of literary antagonistic protagonists. Even the latest installment in “The Hunger Games” franchise was subjected to this treatment. “The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes” is a prequel set 50 years before the original books and repurposes one of the series’ villains as the protagonist. There is no question that Coriolanus Snow (played by Tom Blyth) is a terrible person, and the prequel sees both his rise to power as well as his loss of his last bit of morality through his relationship with Lucy Gray (Rachel Zegler). 

One of the biggest differences between the book and the film is that Movie Coriolanus is more of a tortured soul, whose motivations and actions often seem well-intended because his inner monologue isn’t present for the audience to read. Thus, some of the creepiest book lines are cut from the movie.

Coriolanus Snow and Joe Goldberg are surprisingly similar characters — though if they ever met, they would probably want to kill each other. Funnily enough, they even have the same audiobook narrator (Santino Fontaine). These are men who are trying to get ahead in life and killing as needed. Spoiler: both of them end up murdering (or attempting to murder) the very women they claim to love.  

Stalking, gaslighting, and assault are all very real threats in relationships, especially for women, and these are books marketed toward women audiences and written by women authors. The dark intentions of the main characters are part of the appeal because they give insight into a reality and play into a taboo sexual fantasy. 

In both the novels “You” and “The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes,” the real monster lives in the minds of the main characters. The screen refuses to capture that quite the same way. Film and TV let these characters off the hook when the books don’t. The real question is why.

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Books for Pi Day

By Featured, Literature

Illustration by Aditi Singh

 

Decadence. Panache. (Or ganache in the case of some of these novels!) These indulgent stories by women writers are a delicious reminder that sometimes, more is more. 

These three books for Pi Day will have you kicking counting calories to the curb, and they might even change your perspective on your body, diet culture, and gendered connotations surrounding food and eating. These novels have their cake and eat it too … or their pie that is.

 

“A Certain Hunger” by Chelsea G. Summers

Ex-food writer and current convict Dorothy Daniels would write a less-than-appreciative review of the food at Bedford Hills Correctional Facility, if only someone would ask. Dorothy is a woman with a refined palette, particular appetite and wit — not to mention disdain for those around her. 

One cup grotesque and two tablespoons outrageous, Dorothy painstakingly relays her story from farm-to-table origins to her eventual bust.

With chapters named for Dorothy’s favorite dishes (including recipes made with cuts from her many lovers), the novel’s strength is the keenness of the narrator, who is equal parts pretentious foodie, sexually-ravenous cannibal, and celebrity criminal. 

“A Certain Hunger” satirizes psychopaths and serial killers. The novel reimagines gender through its appropriation of characteristics more frequently attributed to men, especially criminals and deviants. Dorothy is a self-proclaimed “woman psychopath, the white tiger of human psychological deviance,” and she’s hilarious.

What elevates “A Certain Hunger” from campy horror-satire to satire with a dash of really clever cultural commentary is Summer’s subtle irony and smart humor, the insight she proffers into the male-dominated world of high culinary arts through Dorothy’s nose-in-the-air narration and comfort in the kitchen.

It’s about female appetite, both in the kitchen and in the bedroom, and leaves readers wondering what stops them from fulfilling their own certain hunger.

 

“Milk Fed” by Melissa Broder

Miriam keeps over pouring Rachel’s yogurt.

There are two frozen yogurt spots near the talent agency where Rachel works in L.A., Yogurt World and Yo!Good. 

Yo!Good has low-calorie options, making it the obvious choice for Rachel’s obsessive calorie-counting lifestyle. But Yo!Good isn’t self-serve, what a conundrum! 

Then the regular yogurt boy at Yo!Good is gone, and in his place is a gorgeous, voluptuous, giggly, bi-curious Orthodox Jewish woman named Miriam whose attitudes about food will be liberating for Rachel.

Rachel heals her relationship with food while Miriam heals her relationship with sex and sexuality. The surreal experience of reading this book is grounded by the gollum, the fat clay figure Rachel’s therapist has her make to deal with her body insecurities right before Miriam arrives.

It’s a modern, dairy-soaked romance about beauty standards and food. It’s a fun, queer take on diet culture and it’s also just super sexy and tasty. It’s like yogurt and sprinkles.

There’s an abundance of milk and mommies and therapy and wet dreams, but don’t let that deter you.

“Milk Fed” makes you feel good again, and reminds you that you can have, and eat, the things you want. 

It’s a big, delicious, mommylicious romp.

 

“Happy Hour” by Marlowe Granados

If you’re more in the mood for drinks over snacks, give “Happy Hour” a taste. 

Isa and Gala are 21 and surviving on hot dogs from the bodega and the proceeds from the vintage clothing stall they rent at an artist market in Brooklyn. 

Luckily, they are very charming and find themselves out most nights drinking and socializing for free with a variety of friends and dates.

Everyone in New York is obsessed with grinding. They keep asking Isa and Gala what they are trying to accomplish this summer.

Isa and Gala are not trying to accomplish anything. They are accomplishing by enjoying their lives and having experiences and getting people to buy them free oysters and cocktails. Only the girl they are renting the room from at the hostel is overcharging them, so they’re going to have to hunt her down on the beach. 

“Happy Hour” by Marlowe Granados is a wonderful coming-of-age novel for a new era of twenty-somethings. It manages to be intelligent and laugh-out-loud funny as it takes the reader on a boozy New York adventure through a summer with two wild best friends. 

Although there are countless parties and 5 a.m. nights, readers will spend “Happy Hour” thinking Isa and Gala are anything but vapid. Isa is an enchanting narrator and her beer-bottle-wielding best friend is hypnotic.

Readers will wish they had never read “Happy Hour” just so they can read it again for the first time. It’s that kind of book, the kind readers fall in love with and feel part of, like they’re there with Isa and Gala during that transient, passing summer.

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How Title IX Fails Those It Promises To Protect

By Featured, SAIC

Illustration by Ellie Gerken

In a class offered in Spring 2020, international students were asked to raise their hands because the white teacher wanted to know how many non-native English speakers were in the room, said one of the students.

“She framed it differently as if we were very different. It was like separating people, almost alienating us. I hadn’t experienced that before,” said the student, who graduated in the spring of 2023 and was also a Resident Advisor for two years. (F Newsmagazine is not naming the former student to protect her privacy.)

The international student contacted the School of the Art Institute’s Title IX office to report the behavior, as she was deeply impacted by it. But the way the Title IX office responded and handled her inquiry left her even more disappointed, she said.

“My feelings were invalidated by them,” she said, adding that the whole experience was emotionally upsetting. “They just told me that this was not a racial misconduct, and that I had to apologize to the teacher instead.” 

After the incident, she dropped the class. But it wasn’t the first or the last disappointing experience an SAIC student had with the school’s Title IX office.

Several students who spoke to F Newsmagazine expressed dissatisfaction with the way SAIC’s Title IX office handles cases of abuse and discrimination.

SAIC established the Title IX office in compliance with federal law passed as part of the Educational Amendments of 1972. Verron Fisher, the deputy director of SAIC’s Title IX office, said the office is “dedicated to addressing complaints of sex discrimination, harassment, and sexual misconduct, while promoting awareness and support for all members of the SAIC community.”  

However, according to several former and current students, the Title IX office hasn’t been particularly helpful when they sought support in cases of sexual abuse, harassment, and discrimination.

For example, when a former SAIC student who spoke on the condition of anonymity was assaulted outside the Sharp Building in 2019, the Title IX office sent only one email after the incident. According to the student, who is a BFA 2022 graduate, in the email that was sent to her, the office outlined the 16 free counseling sessions. There was no further follow-up, the student said.

“It felt kind of like an obligation that the school felt to provide one resource and then be done with the issue. Whereas I’ve, you know, been living with that for many years now. And it’s not something that I ever felt could be talked about at school,” she said. “Follow up is something that’s incredibly important in sensitive cases involving abuse, assault, and stalking. I think having that follow up is because those issues provide long lasting complex trauma that isn’t going to be solved in one interaction or one email.”

Fisher said that her office promptly investigates the reports and offers support and resources to individuals involved in Title IX cases and also collaborates with various departments and offices within SAIC to ensure a coordinated response to Title IX issues. 

“We work closely with Human Resources, Student Affairs, Counseling Services, and other relevant entities to provide a comprehensive support system,” Fisher said.

That wasn’t the experience for the former student who was assaulted in front of Sharp. Beyond that one email, she didn’t receive any support from Title IX.

The abuse affected her mental health and well-being so much that she said she felt unsafe walking around campus. When she had night classes and the Title IX office did not offer help, she had to personally write to all her professors about the incident and how it affected her, which she said felt like rehashing the old wound over and over again.

“I felt embarrassed and ashamed for repeatedly emailing my professors individually and saying that I was still dealing with the trauma of an incident that I felt should have been reported to them by Title IX and not me,” she said. “Why is my victimization my burden?”

Another student who graduated last spring also shared their experience of not receiving the support from the Title IX office they expected after they were assaulted.

“I went to them after I was assaulted in my freshman year. It was by someone not affiliated with the school, and I had deleted most of the evidence. They offered to help me file a police report, but since I had no evidence, I declined,” the former student said. “I was told to go to counseling at the school, but at that time appointments had to be booked two weeks in advance, and the earliest ones were while I was in class, so I gave up,” they said.

Mitch Abrams, PsyD, is a licensed sport, clinical, and forensic psychologist. He said that the least a university can do is offer mental health counseling immediately after a student is assaulted. If victims have to wait a long time after an assault, it can lead to “repeated victimization,” he said.

“Universities need to provide mental health services immediately. Because if survivors don’t receive treatment or mental health services in a timely manner, they may develop paranoia that leads them to not trust anyone, including the treatment providers who can help them,” said Abrams.

How does the Title IX office actually work at SAIC?

To understand how the Title IX office works at SAIC, it is important to know that the Department of Education dictates the process of filing cases, Fisher said in an email interview.

At SAIC, once a student reaches out to the Title IX office, Fisher said, they will be given guidance on how to proceed, which may include filing a formal complaint, seeking support services, or initiating a Title IX investigation, depending on the nature of the issue. “The Title IX staff member will guide the student through the necessary steps and provide information about any relevant deadlines or requirements,” she said.

On average, SAIC receives 85 to100 inquiries each academic year, Fisher said. But only a small percentage of those inquiries fall into a Title IX classification. 

“And of those that are Title IX cases, most are resolved informally — at the request of the complainant — without going through a formal investigation process. All Title IX cases that are filed are resolved,” Fisher said.

According to Fisher, all Title IX staff members have undergone special training to handle sensitive situations. “To work in the Title IX office, individuals typically undergo comprehensive training that includes understanding the legal aspects of Title IX, recognizing signs of harassment and discrimination, conducting investigations, and supporting victim survivors or the parties involved. Title IX staff undergo comprehensive training on topics such as trauma-informed practices, cultural competency, confidentiality, investigation procedures, and providing support and resources to those affected by harassment or discrimination,” Fisher said.

In recent years, several Title IX cases at SAIC have come under the public spotlight.

The resignation of Michael Bonesteel, a former adjunct professor, in 2017 made national headlines as two Title IX complaints were filed against him for his behavior that some students found offensive. At the time, Bonesteel had his two classes reassigned, and the school mandated harassment and discrimination training as a condition for renewing his one-year contract. This led to Bonesteel’s resignation, and after he left the school, characterizing the student who filed the complaint against him as “a small cadre of militant LGBT students with an authoritarian agenda.

The next year, a former SAIC student sued the school, alleging that former faculty member John Phillips repeatedly abused her, affecting her psychological well-being. While the case has been settled, the School’s former Title IX coordinator was also a defendant in the case, as the student alleged that the school’s policies and procedures failed to properly investigate and/or address Phillips’ actions.

Is Title IX a broken system?

Title IX as we know it today was introduced in 1972 during the administration of former President Richard Nixon. Representative Patsy T. Mink authored and sponsored the bill, leading to its implementation among several academic institutions in the country, prohibiting sex discrimination. Over the years critics have raised their concerns about the limitations of Title IX. As it’s written, the rules are unable to address all discrimination and abuse that a student might encounter in educational spaces.

A 2022 USA Today investigation stated that the “Schools accused of violating Title IX – which bans sex discrimination across all aspects of education, including athletics and sexual harassment – have little to fear from the Office for Civil Rights; they can openly defy the agency, withhold records and fail to heed agreements with impunity.”

The article continues: “When it comes to cracking down on campus sexual misconduct, USA TODAY found, universities operate in a flawed system with inconsistent enforcement and little meaningful punishment.”

During the Trump administration, several changes were made into Title IX that critics argued made it more difficult for survivors to come forward. Title IX is currently being reviewed by the White House, as the Biden-Harris administration unveiled their plan in 2022 to codify it, making it more trans-friendly. 

Several people, including students at SAIC, say the entire Title IX process should be survivor-friendly first and foremost. “I think a lot of the issue comes from making students who report incidents feel like they have to bear the burden of everything. It’s a lot of responsibility to shoulder when you’re filing a complaint. There comes a lot of blame and frustration with that,” said the student from the Sharp Building incident. “And I think that if administration or any counseling services could make it so that there was just more of a sense of trust and comfort that you as a reporter won’t be penalized and won’t be made a target, that could just do so much.”

What SAIC can do to make the school safer for students

In 2019, Jazmin Chapman, a former SAIC student from the Fiber and Material Studies department, filed a complaint at Title IX against a male student. Chapman said the student violated and preyed on her and spread rumors about them being in a sexual relationship. She wasn’t the only victim. She said the student named in the report had a history of abusing other women and taking advantage of them while under the influence of substances.

But the way the school handled the case left Chapman disheartened, as no serious action was taken against the student. 

“He basically got off scot free; he got a slap on the wrist with an in-school suspension, which meant that I couldn’t be 30 feet near him and he couldn’t be 30 feet near me. Where the issue was with that is we lived in the same dorm, and we lived on the same floor. And they [housing] were not going to move him out,” Chapman said. “So at the end of the day, I just decided to move out because I wasn’t feeling safe. And I moved to the seventh floor. But I was still seeing him around school, which was very triggering for me.” 

Chapman said it was unfair for her to live next door to someone whom she had a history of abuse with. Because she felt unsafe, she left the school altogether, transferring elsewhere.

“Although an in-school suspension is nice when you transfer schools or when you leave for the summer, it doesn’t protect you. Like, it’s literally a Band-aid to a bullet wound. And there definitely should have been more repercussions for what he had done,” Chapman said.

For many survivors, it’s difficult to share their stories and seek help as they fear for their safety. That’s why the colleges need to intervene and build strong resources that are readily available to students, Chapman said.

“Having more research resources for sure protecting people on campus and off campus is very much needed. And not just, ‘Oh, you get a safe ride back home,’” she added.

The student from the Sharp Building incident echoed the same sentiments, saying that the school needs to provide more resources to its students than it does now. 

While students can utilize the school’s free 16-week counseling service and referrals recommended by the Title IX office, this student believes they should hire more experts with experience with student survivors. “I think more counselors would be ideal — especially counselors that are trained specifically in areas of sexual assault, and other forms of abuse. Because the SAIC counselors deal primarily with mental health-related issues and school-related stress. I don’t believe they have a specialist for sexual assault. I think that would be a great first step,” she said. 

“There has to be more than just an email every April saying it’s Sexual Assault Prevention Month. I think there just has to be more follow through. Because it [sexual assault] isn’t happening this one month, and it’s not just happening to one student,” Chapman added.

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Baby Photos

By Comics, Featured Comics

Baby Photos
By: Nasa Espinoza

Panel 1: Narration reads: “before traveling back to Chicago,”
The image accompanying it showcases a person holding a suitcase, while facing the viewer.
There are suitcases behind them.
The color palette is a limited purple palette, consisting in blues, purples and pinks. It has yellow
accents in the speech bubbles as well as in some objects.

Panel 2: Narration reads: “I collected trinkets that remind me of home”
The image accompanying it showcases various trinkets, such as a stuffed animal, cd and a pen.

Panel 3: Narration reads: “one of them being baby photos”
The image accompanying has photos stacked onto each other, with the top photo having a little
girl sitting in front of a couch.

Panel 5: Narration reads: “it’s a reminder of little nasa, shy and sassy… always bubbling with
laughter”
It has two images accompanying it. The image to the left has a little girl sat in a chair, looking off
to the left. The image to the right has a little girl who’s holding a basket and facing the viewer.

Panel 6: Narration reads: “I carry her with me, she’s not much different than who I am now”
“ i’ll take care of her, i promise”

The image accompanying this has a young adult holding a tote bag with one hand and holding a
little girl’s hand with the other. They are looking down onto the little girl, who is laughing. Light
speech bubbles accompany them, each saying “ha ha!”

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Just Hard Feelings: Part Four

By Comics, Featured Comics

PAGE SEVEN
CAPTION: 2020
Mae and Sid talk in the bath. Sid looks remorseful. His “gimme a fix” scars are visible
MAE: I don’t think anyone has ever listened to me like you.
SID: Yeah. . . that’s really sad.
Sid crosses his arms.
SID: I felt the same way, all of my life.
Face to face, Mae listens to Sid intently.
SID: I don’t want you to go through it alone like I did.
Laying down, Sid kisses Mae. Mae is distantly sad.
SID: As long as we have eachother–
MAE: –we’ll never have to.
PAGE EIGHT
CAPTION: 2023
Mae sits alone on their bed, crossed-legged.
CAPTION: What are you going to do now that he’s finally left you alone?
Mae sits.
MAE: Um. . .I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just sit here a little while and catch my breath.
Over Mae’s shoulder, Sid’s skeleton is sprawled across their floor, reaching out to them. There are three swords punctured through his back.
CAPTION: I think that’s a really good idea.

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The Ghostly Strength of ‘Studies in Blue’

By Arts & Culture, Entertainment

The Joffrey Ballet’s “Studies in Blue” (2024)

I am not a connoisseur of ballet. Previous to “Studies in Blue,” the Joffrey Ballet’s most recent offering to the public, my experience consisted of seeing a subpar showing of “The Nutcracker” when I was 15 and then Joffery’s “Frankenstein” a few months ago. 

“Studies in Blue” is a modern ballet that explores the complexities of human emotions, relationships, and the dimensions of the color blue. It is composed of three acts. Each is an entirely unique show encapsulating different ideas, concepts, and emotions. 

However, when the first act “Yonder Blue” ended, I felt disappointed. Maybe disappointed is the wrong word; I felt lackluster. Apathetic. Meh.

If the show had ended there and my student rush ticket was $10 instead of $20, I would have been happy, but not wildly moved. The ballet was lovely. The dancers were together, the lifts were pretty, the music was dramatic, and the costumes were fine. It met expectations. 

But the show didn’t end there. 

The truly enthralling part was the second act. Wedged between the stories of Acts I and III, it’s called “Hungry Ghosts.” It spoke of drug addiction, an epidemic, and the trials of human connection through this struggle. Choreographed by Stina Quagebeur, an associate choreographer with the English National Ballet, the dance follows a couple as one of them is slowly consumed by a drug addiction. 

Completely without words, “Hungry Ghosts” depicted the soul-destroying way loved ones can be taken by something intangible. “Hungry Ghosts” took everything that “Yonder Blue” had and stepped it up. It evoked emotion that the other two acts are incapable of capturing. 

Like the first act, the third act, “Hummingbird,” was similarly mid. The most noteworthy moment was when the audience gasped as dancers slid onto the stage from an upstage slope. The top of the slope was hidden from view with a curtain. While dramatic and fitting the previous movement onstage, it felt like a party trick meant to offset the lack of focus and specific story.

All three acts had a focus on pairs. They were built around duets between two dancers creating a dialogue of movement held between the couples. The show used these duets as a focal point for the meaning in the dance.

Throughout the show, group dancing complemented duets. There were suddenly moments when the stage was filled with dancers moving in perfect unison. One became captivated by the synchronization and the power behind the grouped dancers.

What “Hungry Ghosts” had that the other two acts didn’t was a story of struggle. Anais Bueno and Hyuma Kiyosawa, the dancers of the “Hungry Ghosts” duet, struggled to stay together as a couple. Bueno was continually sucked into the dark group of dancers that symbolized addiction while Kiyosawa tried, again and again, to bring her back. 

The emotion created by the movement in this struggle was what made this act compelling. The duet between Kiyosawa and Bueno showed what Bueno was struggling for and why she was struggling in the first place. The power of the group shows us why this is difficult, and ultimately why she fails.

In the other two acts, the duet dancers just dance. The lifts and twirling were lovely but lacked the depth that Kiyosawa and Bueno captured.

There was emotion as Bueno danced with Kiyosawa as they twirled across the stage, delighting in each other’s presence and their connection. There was emotion as Kiyosawa brought Bueno back every time she was taken by addiction. 

There’s emotion when the group of dancers descend on Bueno from backstage, surrounding her. Emotion as she climbs their limbs like a staircase to stand on someone’s shoulders. Emotion as she falls to the ground, mirrored by two other dancers falling into smaller groups flanking the big one. Emotion as she catches, and compounding emotion when the action is then repeated. There’s emotion as the group fades into the background, slowly swaying in silhouette, Bueno swaying with them as Kiyosawa desperately tries to bring her back.

Nowhere in the entire show was there more emotion than when Kiyosawa embraced Bueno. Bueno, a slow swaying form, mirroring the countless silhouettes of the group separated from the rest of the stage by sheer curtain, goes rigid and unresponsive against Kiyosawa. Kiyosawa embraced her, then turned to leave. 

Bueno grabs his hand as he turns. She’s stiff, but no longer swaying. As Kiyosawa watched, she stepped back. Again. Kiyosawa raised his hand to keep hold of hers, but she let go. She began to sway again, always moving backward, toward the curtains, toward the group, away from Kiyosawa. 

As he watched, she faded into the curtain, becoming one of the uncountable silhouettes. Leaving Kiyosawa forever.

All three acts are meant to play on emotions. The show “Studies in Blue” is about evoking a visceral response to motion and connection between people and bodies. Yet against “Hungry Ghosts,” “Yonder Blue” and “Hummingbird” fail.

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Slut Saga: Lust Out Loud

By Entertainment, Featured

Illustration by Aditi Singh

With a microphone in her hand and a beam of light shining on her, Natalie Wall tells a crowd the story of how she lost her virginity. Minutes later, Karolena Theresa takes the stage, and with a giggle, shares with the audience that she once peed on a guy during sex. 

This is the comedy show “Awkward Sex and the City.” The show has been running for over 10 years now, and over that time, has evolved into a podcast, regular shows in New York City, and a nationwide tour with three other rotating comedians.

F Newsmagazine had the privilege of interviewing Wall and Theresa on their experience as female comedians who talk about sex. Here is what we learned: 

 

How did “Awkward Sex and the City” begin?

It all started during the slut-shaming culture of the early 2000s. Natalie Wall, the creator of “Awkward Sex and the City,” describes herself as a “super late bloomer when it came to sex.” The topic of sex was so taboo back then that it felt like no one dared share information about it — much less laugh at it. Wall sought to create a safe space for people who, like her, wanted to talk about this mysterious topic, and, thus, “Awkward Sex and the City” was born. 

Theresa, meanwhile, went to a performing art high school in New York and was classically trained in theater. She didn’t know she was a comedian until she played Nick Bottom in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” She started her career with a few sketches in college, trained in “improv” at Second City, and then slowly transitioned into stand-up. Now, she’s a consistent part of “Awkward Sex and the City,” performing with them regularly. She’s always had a natural inclination to talk about sex and its subsequent themes of femininity and family. 

 

Why talk about sex? 

“Sex is such a universal topic,” Wall said during the interview. It is a topic that most people, of most ages, can relate to, and its appeal is evident in the show’s audience. The two women said they usually have a wide range of spectators, from ages 18 to 70, in attendance. 

According to them, it’s easy to connect with people when talking about sex. It’s a topic that people are curious about, fantasize about, and have fun talking about. Most people have an opinion on sex — or a story to tell — so it’s universal. Nevertheless, despite society’s new openness towards sex, they can tell that some people still tense up at the mention of certain topics such as polyamory. 

But connecting with other people, and entertaining them, is only a fraction of what Wall and Theresa are doing. The biggest reason these women want to talk about sex is to create awareness and representation.

 “This widespread lack of information about sex is a dangerous trend,” Wall said, going on to say, for example, only 18 states in the United States require sex education to be medically accurate and include information about birth control.

“It is a privilege that I was able to open my perspective,” continued Wall. She began the show as a straight girl, and talking about sex on stage opened her eyes to a lot of information about queerness and sexuality that she did not know about.

“There are a lot of different types of horny and sexual people in the world. It’s okay not to know and to do research on sex,” said Theresa.  

At this comment, Wall laughed. She said the television show “Sex and the City” inspires her comedy, as every woman in the show is supposed to be a stereotype of a different type of woman. Nevertheless, she tries to take it a step further in her comedy and explore how people have multitudes — how we can all simultaneously be Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte.   

“People want different types of sex on different days,” Wall said.  

Back to the topic of representation, Theresa said she was proud to talk about her personal experience as a way to shine light on her intersectional identity. Her family comes from Trinidad, Guatemala, and New York. When she talks about her husband, a Muslim man who grew up in a traditional family, she is also creating representation for him. 

Representation also touches on the personal aspects of sex comedy and how much of a comedian’s story on stage is true versus invented. 

 “Where do you exaggerate? Where do you omit? Stories sometimes have to be changed to be funnier. It’s important to be as truthful as possible within the stories you tell. It’s important to be honest because it connects to representation and real empowerment. You should never punch down at the other person: laugh at a situation, not a person. Stay truthful but respectful.” Wall said, weighing in on her thoughts about how to tell a good story on stage. 

Theresa shared similar thoughts, saying she can only represent herself, but that her story needs to be heard.
“Being truthful keeps you grounded and funnier. It allows other people to interpret what you said…and learn from it…and make it theirs. The relatability is the funniest part,” said Theresa. 

 

Are there any downsides to talking about sex in comedy?

Wall and Theresa said that so far no one has ever been heckled at the show, despite it being a major safety concern. The reason for their success is transparency: the people who go to “Awkward Sex and the City” know that the show is going to be about sex. One of the limitations of the topic is that it can’t be sprung on people without their consent, so the effect of advertising a sex-focused comedy show is a compact, but interested, self-selected audience.

In their personal lives, both Wall and Theresa have partners who are supportive of their sex comedy. Wall said that only once did her partner say they did not want a personal joke told, and only once did Theresa’s husband not want to be in the room during a bit.

 

What is the future of sex in comedy? 

Theresa thinks comedy is ever-changing. It was already at a tipping point when she started her career in the early 2000s. Back then, female comedians couldn’t present too feminine because they had to fit in with the guys to prove they were funny. It was the collective effort of the queer community and of people of color who made space for unique, authentic, and alternate forms of comedy through creating their own shows. 

“[These communities] were funny while dressing however they wanted, and it forced the comedy world to change,” Theresa said. “People will judge you based on appearances, but after you go on stage and prove you’re funny, they can’t judge anymore.” Marginalized communities still have to fight to be recognized in comedy, but Theresa believes there is a bright future ahead. 

Wall believes sex in comedy has potential because there is only space to grow. She says people are now more open about the topic than ever before. Talk about sex is booming because of its newfound permissibility, and that will lead to a new generation of sex comedians (with a, hopefully, greater understanding of inclusivity, consent, and the dangers of misogyny). 

 

What is your advice for sex comedians? 

“The more you’re able to embody yourself, the bigger the depth you have to convey a story and connect with the audience. People are craving authenticity. There are days in which you don’t know who you are, and that is okay. It takes time, and it is a journey, and your style and persona will change, but the best persona is a heightened version of who you are,” Natalie Wall said with a smile. 

Karolena Theresa nodded along, adding that “If someone wants to do comedy, do not forget to be kind and empathic with others. Do not copy others. Be here to party and have a good time — consume the comedy that tickles you. And have sex! Have a lot of sex, and don’t be concerned that there’s a right number of how many times you’re doing it. Sex is like comedy: if you want to do comedy, do it. It will open up your world. But do it when you’re ready. The same with sex. Trust your gut.” 

 

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An Alien

By Featured, Literature

Illustration by Meghan Sim

 

You are 15.

You are sent to the United States by your mother. You land in an unfamiliar country by yourself.

You wait for the assigned driver by the terminal in the airport alone.

By the line for customs, you see different languages saying, “Hello.”

“你好!” in your mother language is included, 

but some of the other languages you have never seen.

You are delivered to the homestay by the driver.

The first interactions outside of the airport you have with the country are: the car crossing through a tunnel under the water, driving onto the highway, and passing traffic lights.

The traffic lights are the same as they are in China.

Some of the signs have green backgrounds and white words, but the words are in English —

which are different from the Chinese characters you’ve seen in your home country.

 

You are living with someone who has no blood relationship to you.

You pay for your residence with “homestay parents” at what is called a “homestay” because you are not an adult and need a guardian for your high school in a foreign country. 

Your homestay parents are an old couple in their 60s, but they still go to work in the early morning on weekdays.

You know that in China, men retire at 60, and women retire at 55, so this fact amazes you.

Your homestay parents never ask about how you feel, what you are doing in school, or your dreams.

 

They don’t care because you are not their relative; they don’t pay attention because they are busy.

They even walk into your room without your permission while you are at school and tell you they must ensure you don’t destroy anything in their house.

You treasure the time you talk on the phone with your parents in China, but there is a 13-hour time difference, and they are also busy at work.

You look at your classmates at school, who always have their parents or relatives to pick them up after class.

Because you must walk to the T station, it takes you one hour to commute home — 

to the home where nobody speaks your mother language.

 

You are a teenager.

In China, your parents made you a hot meal every day before and after work: noodles, meat buns, rice, seafood, and vegetables,

everything your Chinese stomach would love to have.

But here in this country what you have is: pastas and pizzas with tons of cheese, hamburgers with oily meats and onions inside, and sometimes, 

cold chicken breasts, cooked a day before you have them. 

You liked those foods in China because you seldom had a chance to eat them.

However, you are homesick, and you miss food from your culture. 

You don’t know how to cook.

But you are tired of learning to order a Subway sandwich, so you start reading Chinese food recipes

until you realize you are not allowed to cook in your homestay.

 

You were a person who liked to make friends when you were in China.

After coming here, you wanted to continue to do so. 

But you realize that your proudly spoken English needs to be better for your peers and classmates to understand you.

The question you hear the most is, “What do you mean?” 

You are tired of constantly explaining yourself, and your peers are tired of knowing you only through extra explanations. 

You seem to play well with your classmates in your basketball club, but no one plays with you on their own initiative

unless the coach asks them to do so.

 

You try to make friends with the international students who live in the United States like you do.

They are from South Korea, Thailand, Vietnam, and Japan, and some are from China.

You confidently speak English in groups of people who speak multiple languages, and more comfortably speak Chinese in groups of people who only speak Chinese —

but there are only a few international students at your high school. 

One day, you argue with one of the Chinese students at your school.

It is just a tiny thing on a simple math question in calculus. 

Even though you apologize, the next day, all the Chinese students in your school refuse to talk to you. 

You make a phone call to your mother to ask for help,

but she asks, “我送你来美国不是让你每天说中文的。” (Translation: Why don’t you make local friends and try to get into the American culture?) 

 

You are confident with your English and your study skills,

but the exams and requirements for college applications are totally different from what you have learned for 15 years in China.

The classes at school are also different.

Though you are confident in your English skills, using English in daily work, life, and study is different than using English as your academic language. 

Immediately doing 40 pages of English reading per week is difficult. 

Meanwhile, you are still curious about why your classmates can use the bathroom during class time without asking permission from teachers.

You see your peers, including those international students, finishing their homework earlier than you and adapting to life better,

but you are afraid to ask, and no one offers to help.

 

The international students in your school start to prepare for college applications when they are juniors in high school.

Most of the national students in your school start to do so once they are almost seniors.

You need to figure out when to start, and schoolwork takes almost all of your time. 

You were a top student in China and confident in your achievements, 

but after coming to this country, you are average and even the worst in your class. 

You realize that you want to become a writer when you are in your application season,

but you don’t know if you can write stories and essays well in English.

 

You start to doubt yourself and for the rest of your high school life you question: your health, your schoolwork, and how to be a better person. 

You end your high school life without any achievements,

but with depression and no friends. 

At least, luckily, with a college offer —

even if it is not your favorite one.

You see your middle school classmates from China, who want to come to the United States for college, planning to attend top schools. 

They are excited to come to this country, and some ask you through social media what they need to do to prepare to come here.

They tell you they are jealous of you for living in this country for many years. After all, you were: living alone, getting away from your parents, having Western food every day, making friends worldwide, and learning in an English environment.

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Unseen in the Scene

By Entertainment, Featured

Illustration by Shina Kang

I spent my teenage years attending concert after concert headlined almost entirely by men. In early 2017 I was a 14-year-old girl who had suddenly decided to make live music my entire personality. Throughout my high school years leading up to the pandemic I attended nearly 50 concerts and around six music festivals. It was nearly two years after my first concert that I saw a band with a woman in it, and I wouldn’t see a musical act with entirely female members until the summer of 2022. That was my high school experience, but is this the experience of high schoolers now?  

In 2016, Huffington Post analyzed the gender breakdown of 10 music festivals and found that 78 percent of the acts only featured performers who were men, 10 percent featured mixed-gender groups, and 12 percent featured women-only groups. In 2018, an article from Pitchfork tracked 19 music festivals and found that the number of female acts increased over the past year, but there was still a large disparity between male and female acts: 74 percent male, 12 percent mixed, and 14 percent female in 2017; changed to 70 percent male, 11 percent mixed, and 19 percent female in 2018. 

Across the board, women are not performing as artists in festivals as often as men are regardless of the genre. However, women almost equally make up the audience of festivals regardless of the genre. In 2016 Eventbrite (a ticketing platform) released an article saying 59 percent of festivalgoers were male and 41 percent were female. A 2023 Statista study found that 61 percent of summer festival attendees were women and 39 percent were men. 

Generally, regardless of genre, music festivals have a fairly even split in the gender demographic of festival attendees — but that breakdown doesn’t exist for musical acts. 

In November 2023, When We Were Young Fest, a newer popular music festival featuring pop-punk, emo, and early-2000s alternative bands, announced their 2024 lineup that contained only two bands with women in them out of the 53-band lineup. The festival eventually added more acts featuring women, but this was after hundreds of complaints, which included numerous complaints that the festival received for the same issue in their lineups over the past two years. 

In some way, this backlash represents a good change in the music scene. People cared about women being left out of the lineup so much that more women were added to the lineup of the festival; however, no major music publications wrote about the lack of female acts or the influx of complaints the festival received.

One of the most discouraging parts of researching the disparity in musical acts by gender is the lack of available information. There are few resources that have information about the demographics of live music events, and the places that do have information specify the type of live music events but are unspecific about what the information is based on. 

For example, most studies I found didn’t say what festivals or music events their studies followed, and many of the resources I found were dedicated to following festivals for only one genre of music, which means the information is available but limited to those specific genres. 

In addition to the lack of available information, there was also no specificity around the terms “women” and “female” when referring to the gender divide in both audience and performers. Both terms are not defined by the studies and are used interchangeably. 

Festivals are not the only places where the audience is not fully represented by the performers, but the data on venues does not get the same attention, even though the acts performed at venues are public information that anyone could collect.

So I conducted my own research on three venues in Chicago that are all around the same size: House of Blues Chicago, Metro, and Subterranean. I tracked the gender demographics of artists that have either played or will play these venues in 2024 as of February. I used the terms “women” and “men” instead of “female” and “male” to look at gender rather than biological sex. The statistics don’t include comedy club nights, non-DJ-based dance nights (i.e., 90s Dance Party or Emo Nite), or any events that didn’t specify the artist playing during the event. I also excluded opening bands and only focused on headliners.  

Gender breakdowns of musicians and performers by Chicago venue. Illustration by Shina Kang

The House of Blues Chicago has 54 criteria-meeting musical acts that have played events or will play events in 2024. Of these musical acts, 72 percent (39) were acts with only men, 17 percent (nine) were acts with only women, and 11 percent (six) were mixed-gender acts — which includes any band that has both men and women or any band with non-binary musicians.

Metro has 49 musical acts that have either played events or are set to play events in 2024. Of those acts 65 percent (32) were acts with only men, 16 percent (eight) were acts with only women, and 19 percent (nine) were mixed-gender acts.

Subterranean has 102 criteria-meeting acts that have either played events, or will play events in 2024. Of these acts, 69 percent (67) were acts with only men, 20 percent (19) were acts with only women, and 11 percent (11) were mixed-gender acts.

The average of all three venues was 69 percent (46) acts with only men, 18 percent (12) acts with only women, and 13 percent (8.67) mixed-gender acts.

But why does it matter? Why do women need to be represented in the live music scene? 

When I was young, I craved community — a sense of belonging. The lack of representation is isolating because it makes it clear that the community isn’t built to include people like me. And alongside my feelings, numbers don’t lie. If the audience for live music is typically around 50/50 in terms of gender, then there is an audience of women that should feel included. How can 50 percent of an audience be represented by 18 percent of the acts they see live? 

The live music scene is, and always will be, an ever-changing landscape, but when it comes to gender diversity,  the scene hasn’t become an equitable space.  There is hope for change: the percentage of performing acts with women is increasing. With enough of a push, eventually, women might be equally seen in the live music scene.

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