Film Bitch
The Truth About Cats and Dogs
(or, What pissed me off during the Summer)
By Daniel Merkle
I imagine some people who've been around here are wondering, "Why the hell is this louse still writing, I thought Filmbitch said goodbye in May?" Well, I don't have an answer other than DEAL WITH IT. Filmbitch has had a rough, sweat-drenched summer and there are more important issues to discuss other than my fake demise.
ENTER: Cats and Dogs
Many times over the last few months I have gotten indignant, having taken to fits of righteous fury, but perhaps the most angry I've gotten has been over the movie Cats and Dogs (Lawrence Guterman, 2001). I saw a billboard with a cat and a dog, faces pressed together, like boxers in a ring. Words cover the top of the billboard, "Who Will You Root For?" Of course Filmbitch would root for the cats. They don't slobber, they go to the bathroom alone, they're quiet, and generally do not lunge at people on the street or maul anyone. In the world of television and movies - and I'd argue many people's psyches - cats are considered evil, bad, or just mean. If I seem off-base, imagine a meeting in Hollywood where some fool pitches this idea: "Well, all the dogs of the world get together and plot to take it over."
We all know that humans have perceived pet behavior as displaying human responses and attitudes. Why else would nature shows render wild animals' lives as soap operas?
Perhaps what needs to be brought up is how cats are associated with the feminine. Femininity (as it has been constructed) is the "place" where mystery and evil are projected. Nudie pin-up girls on all fours, elongated eyeliner, crawling over leopard print. Cats as the common house pet of witches. Even Catwoman-patent-leather slinky, emotionally torn, she is the only animal Batman cannot figure out.
Within these terms, of course evil dogs would be unintelligible. The motivations are so hidden under historical sedimentation that they seem nonexistent; they are cute. But I don't think Cats and Dogs is cute - at all.
Survivor Warning
The third season of the all-too-exciting reality game show Survivor will begin this fall. Quite frankly I am worried. Not that the show will become boring but that another incredibly oatmeal non-person will be thrust into stardom by the media. I am thinking here of Colleen "America's Sweetheart" Haskell and Elisabeth Filarski. I'd like to know what drives people to become obsessed with dull people. Come on, Survivor is about the spectacle, about the thrill of watching people treat each other like shit on camera and then lie about it. Boring women with acceptably nice bodies are more interesting than people with opinions or people who may not be nice. But what scares me about this love for dullards is that we also want to see them naked. Yes, we want to fuck the nice girl, and watch her crawl around over leopard print velour.
People like to look at skinny people, people with nice bodies. It doesn't matter if they have nothing to say, like Matthew Barney - he was a model, you know. In fact, I am baiting everyone, gearing up to share with you my number one rage over this summer ...
Fat Pain
If the summer doesn't bring enough scantilly-clad, exercise obsessed monsters out in droves, then television, movies, magazines, and even "art" will thrust enough teeny-weeny, waxed, sexy people around to make a normally healthy Filmbitch want to murder.
The time has come to discuss the problem with fat. Actually, fat has no problems, people do. Goddamnit, Julia Roberts wears a "fat suit" in her new movie, America's Sweethearts, many of the jokes on that shithole of a show Friends have been made at the expense of Monica's life as formerly fat. And, my lord, coming soon to a theater near you: a movie in which Ben Stiller falls in love with a fat woman but sees Gwyneth Paltrow. Can you hear me screaming?
Maybe I shouldn't watch television or read magazines, yeah. But then I will just witness obesophobia (fear of gaining weight) in the streets or in art school. Seriously, if you think that most folks aren't suffering from extreme thin-identification, you're just dead wrong. A large number of people in our culture are obese, we just do not see them. And again, it isn't merely mainstream culture. Quick quiz: Name three fat artists, living or dead. Quick, here's another: Name one heavy person whose artwork you've seen that you didn't assume was about his/her weight! Tough, huh?
I WANT TO SEE FAT PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND REACH THE POINT WHERE I DON'T EVEN THINK OF THE WORD. Everyone should want this ... unless of course you love being a body fascist.
I am glad the summer is coming to an end. The autumn brings better movies, less humidity, more clothing. I may actually want to spend what little money I have in a movie theater. A movieless summer can be terrifying. Sometimes I am afraid I might have to change my name to TVTramp or Tabloidslut. Nah, I think those names would make me look fat.
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