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A New Year’s Diet Plan

By F+, Uncategorized

Illustration by Catherine Cao.

Mental

  • When you get home, immediately get into your pajamas.
    • Fall asleep on the couch re-watching “The Great British Bake Off”.
    • Wake up at 10pm to crawl into bed.
      • Accidentally stay awake  until 1:40 AM.
  • Set your alarm for 6 am. Snooze it  until 6:30, and again at 7.
  • Start an anxiety medication that might have weight loss side effects.
    • Be too anxious to renew and pick up at Walgreens.
  • Buy two Moleskines in very specific colors:
    • Red because you need to remind yourself to do things, and lavender for a dream journal.
    • Lose one and use the other for grocery store lists.
  • Re-read your favorite novel from childhood.
  • Log onto Facebook and purge your friends lists.
    • Get rid of the one guy you hooked up with that one time at that one bar you hate.
      • Re-friend him a couple weeks later during a vulnerable moment involving rosé.

Physical

  • Download My Fitness Pal.
    • Spend two hours tweaking your goals.
    • Ignore the notifications and never delete it.
  • Purchase a yoga mat.
    • Convince yourself you’ll get flexible  again like you were in high school.
      • Believe that you can still fall into the splits, easy-peasy.
      • Leave the yoga mat rolled up in your closet until your ex texts you.
  • Buy new running shoes from Nordstrom rack.
    • Never wear them to the actual gym because you’re afraid to dirty the white soles.
  • Look up how many calories you burn while you’re sleeping.
  • Set the intention to do one set of 20 sit-ups each morning.
    • This dissolves into snacking on the floor and scrolling through Instagram.

Food

  • Eat 12 cashews;think of nothing for the rest of the day.
  • Drink only Yogi brand Women’s Moon Cycle tea.
  • Eat 3 salmon skins a week, not during your menses
  • Order Sugar Bear Hair vitamins.
    • You’ll be starving, so your hair will need some help.
    • Post proof on Instagram.
  • Lengthily research health plans as they relate to your blood type and rising sign.
    • Tell yourself you’re going to use kale in smoothies; don’t bother.
    • Buy lots of spinach and let it go bad in the crisper.
  • Waste your entire paycheck on Amy’s No Chicken Noodle Soup.
  • Under the cover of darkness eat the last half of the cheesecake your family sent home with you.
    • Tell your roommate it went bad and you had to throw it out.

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