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If Holiday Drinks Had Tinder Profiles

By F+, Featured

Illustration by Rohan McDonald

Spiked Cider

Spiked Cider has a lot of photos that you think might be professional, but they also might just be that hot, at least from what you can see of their somehow always obfuscated face. They have an endless supply of corduroy and black denim, work at Empty Bottle, and can get you free tickets if you smoke them up. The messaging is smooth conversation with a bit of a kick — then its a chill couple dates and trips back to your apartment until you notice they’re completely intolerable when cooled down. You’ll break up while making vegan sides for their festivus party and never look back.

Eggnog

The drink of the people. Eggnog is rocking a selfie on a tall building, some bathroom selfies, and an unfortunate hunting pic. A right swipe will immediately be met with a confidently misspelled come-on that shows a complete ignorance of your own carefully curated profile, and it only goes south from there. Best avoided, after one bad experience the smell will make you nauseous for many holidays to come.

Peppermint Schnapps Hot Cocoa Cocktail

What arugula is to lettuce, peppermint schnapps is to the holiday beverage scene. Peppermint went straight from Greek life to the corporate ladder. Their profile makes their political opinions, pet peeves, and height/income requirements VERY clear, all in millennial pink. Does Peppermint Schnapps do irony? You’re pretty sure that’s a no. This flavor profile might not be for you, but should you match, Peppermint Schnapps will be very clear that they are in high demand. HIGH demand. Anyone with good taste loves peppermint. The date will probably be somewhere you can’t afford, and the conversation will be woefully one-sided. Avoid if possible. Besides, the sugar-rush from the whipped cream will probably make you want to dance, and then you’ll just embarrass yourself.

Hot Toddy

Hot Toddy seems pretty reliant on their dog to get that swipe, but you’re a sucker for a cute puppy and ignore the empty profile and blurry face shots that all seem to be taken in the same chair with the same rainy sky out the window. After messaging, you’ll realize that’s not even Hot Toddy’s dog, it’s their mom’s, because they live at home to save money for a trip to England they’re planning on taking if not this year, then the next. It becomes evident pretty quickly that this is going nowhere as Hot Toddy has no idea what they are or want. Let’s hope, for their sake, they grow into something more flavorful with time. 

Tröegs The Mad Elf

The Nietzsche quote in their bio should be a warning sign, but with that 11% ABV, nothing’s slowing you down. Mad Elf is as tragic a mistake as your best friend told you when you first started messaging. Within a month you’ve moved in, joined their band on the kazoo, given yourself an undercut, opened up the relationship to include their ex who might have threatened to push you out a window, and developed a completely nocturnal lifestyle. The sun burns you. Let that beautiful ABV go, better things are ahead.

Glogg

Glogg sure loves to talk about their family, even on their dating profile. It’s kind of cute you think. There’s a photo of all seven of them wearing identical holiday sweaters (even their Golden Retriever) on a trip to Europe; Glogg sure has good genes. After matching, the two of you take it slow, switching from Tinder messages to text to a stray phone call, each interaction pulls more of their intricacies to the surface. There’s their failed stint in law-school, the ex they almost married, their dream of sailing around the world, cloves, cinnamon, orange peel. When you finally meet, it is love at first sight and that first night is an enveloping rush of tender euphoria. Things will be great until you go for that last, cold half-ladle from the bottom of the bowl and realize you have no idea what you’re drinking. It was perfect while it lasted though.

Butter Beer

Clearly a Hufflepuff, Butter Beer is a lovely respite from your exhausted swiping. Think yellow sweaters and winter beach vistas and probably at least three kittens. They studied early education in college but now are taking a break and splitting their time between their Etsy shop and working at a cozy bar in Logan Square. Right swipe, but be warned the conversation will be cloyingly sweet and you may have to dig for personal information. Butter Beer is also the most likely holiday beverage to forget the time and location of your date, leaving you sitting alone at a table for two, holding a golden poinsettia, and looking like a proper holiday-time loser. This is a good time to plan ahead though — Butter Beer is ideal for a long-term relationship; think cozy nights of cuddling through a Harry Potter marathon with zero hangover the next morning.

Bourbon

Bourbon advertises as pansexual, polyamorous, and looks a lot like that substitute teacher you had a crush on in high school. They somehow manage to represent their travels to every continent in their photos, and the mutual friend you share is a famous artist who graciously accepted your request after you groupie’d a little too hard at a lecture they gave. Post right-swipe, Bourbon will sweep you off your feet. They’ll offer to take you on a sleigh ride an hour after matching and soon you’ll be lost in their wildly privileged world, taking weekend trips to cabins and having dinner dates with minor celebrities. Be careful though, too much time together and you’ll lose all touch with reality. I’m talking sex six times a day, calling in sick to work, throwing priceless vases at the wall in passionate jealous rages. A sip or two is okay but maybe left-swipe is best just to be safe.

That Shitty Bottle of Barefoot Red Blend That Is All You Can Afford At Walgreens To Bring To A Holiday Party You Don’t Want To Be At Anyway, And Besides, You Already Bought A Dress.

Left-swipe. Please. Next year when you go with Butter Beer you will have such a better time. All your friends will take you aside and comment on how happy you look, “Thank god you didn’t come with Barefoot Red again, remember? We had to mull it.”  Please, for your own good. Spend less on the dress, left-swipe, and splurge on at least a ten dollar Malbec. You’re worth it.

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