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My Life Told Through Buzzfeed Quizzes

By F+

Illustration by Hannah Sun

Whether you find their content on YouTube or Twitter (or if you use them just for the memes), you probably know of the internet media company Buzzfeed. Particularly popular are their random-but-fun quizzes, so, in keeping with their brand of comedy, here is my life depicted through a few of their quizzes.

QUIZ: What Would You Be In a Salad?

Starting off, I only eat salads if I’m at a special dinner where salads are served before the main course.

Anyway, in the first question, I was torn between deciding if I was more like chocolate cake or coffee cake but decided chocolate will always reign supreme.

Next, I had to select a mythical creature to whom I related the most. I liked both the Siren and the Succubus, but I’m not extremely sexy nor am I a strong singer, so the Goth Centaur won this round.

Next, I had to select a dinosaur for a pet. The T-Rex sounded good in theory, but a T-Rex as a pet creates problems. If it were to turn on you, it’s game-over. Plus, after watching how Chris Pratt was the alpha of the Velociraptors in “Jurassic World,” they became more appealing as pets instead — sometimes, speed beats strength.

Asked to select a word that rhymed with “rain,” the word that came to mind was “sane.” Sadly, “sane” was not one of the choices, so I had nothing to gain from sane (see what I did there?).

When I had to rhyme with “nod,” one of the options was the name of one of my teachers, Todd. But, as cool as he is, I chose “God” over Todd.

Is it better to kiss Dracula or Frankenstein, that is the next quiz question. I’d definitely choose female Dracula, especially because Edward from “Twilight” was a choice. Hard pass. I would kiss Frankenstein over him, too.

For the last question, I had to pick something to eat that wasn’t a salad. As much as I love fries, I figured I’d go with brownies. 

So as a result of all this, Buzzfeed decided I was: CROUTONS! It described a Crouton as an optimistic, friendly, and kind person who would go out of my way to help someone, who makes the best out of any bad situation, and who knows how to make people feel relaxed. There is some truth to this description, though I’m not a very optimistic person, I only pretend to be. And I don’t know how to make people relaxed, as I’m usually trying to make myself relaxed around people first. The quiz was right about how I am kind; my name means “gentle and kind” in Hebrew, and I try to live up to it. 

Which Try Guy is your soulmate based on your deepest, darkest secrets?

Ah, I remember when no one knew The Try Guys names so fans would call Eugene “the Asian one,” Ned “the white guy,” Keith “the other white guy,” and Zach “the clitoris dude.” Time sure does fly, and man have they grown. Without further ado — and in honor of The Try Guys three-year anniversary — let’s find out who my soulmate will be.

This is going to be a long list of stuff so grab some snacks and get ready ’cause here we go: I clean my ears the most for no reason; when I’m alone I like to sing and dance like it’s my last day on Earth; I commit Sloth — the deadly sin — on a regular basis (Netflix, Youtube, and naps for life); If I had a superpower, I would want to be able to shape shift like Mystique from X-men; I’m most insecure about how I look; Science fiction movies are my guilty pleasure; even though Katy Perry is a controversial artist, it would be cool to be her friend; my secret personality is that I’m very sexual (sex is interesting, but I don’t want to do or have it done to me); I don’t care for vegan foods; I would never reveal a dark secret to anyone; if I could leave everything behind and move to a new country, I would go to Paris; and last but not least, the most terrible thing I’ve ever done is too dark to classify.

After a long suspenseful wait I got… EUGENE

I’m actually happy with getting him as result (any would’ve been fine but this one is the best).

QUIZ: Create a mythical beast to see what guy you would date

Let me get personal real quick, I’ve never dated anyone before, so this will be fun. What type of personality does Buzzfeed think I would be looking for in a guy?

This beast creation gave me inspiration for a project — but this is irrelevant — so starting out with an iguana’s head, a lion’s body, devil wings, and eagle talons to round out my new favorite animal. Then relaxing with some sweet Netflix shows (or maybe “Game of Thrones”) as an ideal date will lead to dating THE BAD BOY.

This sounds nice in theory, but real life bad boys tend not to be people you would want to hang around let alone date. So no thank you, I’ll pass on this one, but if you do find a cinnamon roll who loves cats, naps, snacks, and games send him my way.

These quizzes made my possible love life sound far more adventurous and fun than it actually is, showed that what I may find cringe others may not find so bad (then again, I don’t cringe very often. If you want cringe go on Tumblr) and that I am a happy crouton and truthfully I love to eat croutons whether they’re on a salad or not.

Now that you’ve seen what Buzzfeed’s quizzes think my life is like, go try them out for yourself and see what your life may have in store for you.

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