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How To Speak Tinder Boy

By F+

Illustration by Annie Leue

Do you remember when cereal boxes came with those cardboard decoder rings that let you discover a secret message on the box, like a military spy for a hostile foreign government? Remember how tedious that was, and how disappointed you were when the end result was nothing more than a glorified fart joke? This is the same thing.

“Laid-back and fun-loving”

“I find The ‘Big Bang Theory’ to be the peak of TV comedy”

“420-friendly”

“I’ll still judge you for other things”

“Craft beer enthusiast”

“I have a few Uinta Hop Noshes sitting in the back of my fridge that someone left there after our Fourth of July party that I’ve been thinking about drinking”

“Sarcasm is my second language”

“I watch myself masturbate in the mirror”

“Just here to meet new people”

“I want to fuck you”

“Feminist”

“I really want to fuck you”

“If you want to know something, just ask”

“Fuck you, now fuck me”

“I like art”

“I’ve pooped in the Met”

“Just here because I’m bored”

“I’m 28 years old, and I still don’t know how to write a check”

“[Inspirational quote]”

“I will make plans with you to come to my parents’ beach house four months from now and then almost immediately ghost you”

“[country flag emoji] > [country flag emoji] > [country flag emoji]”

“It’s pronounced ‘Barthelona’”

Vague lists of things such as “music, food, whiskey, books, bicycles, dogs,” etc.

“I’ll take you on a date to a record store and buy an Imagine Dragons EP on vinyl at full retail price”

“I’ll buy you pizza”

“I substitute grand gestures for any understanding of the complexity of human emotional need in order to continuously exonerate myself of my own willful ignorance”

A height measurement

“Please clap”

“I’m not looking for anything serious”

“I’m not looking for anything serious”

*Nothing at all*

“The cognitive depth of which I am capable alarms most. I prefer to remain silent for fear that those with whom I speak might come to question and reimagine their existence not only within this universe, but also within themselves”

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