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‘Lil Tart and Kumquat’s Infinite Playlist: Drop Everything to Save a Runaway Dog, or Just Watch Your Friend Do It

By Entertainment

Illustration by Annie Leue

Imagine, if you will, a world where every oddly specific situation you get yourself into has a soundtrack built by two people who are deeply in love with each other, but are both tragically too gay to function. Now, imagine we have you covered.

Welcome to Mika (aka Li’l Tart) and Emily’s (aka Kumquat) Infinite Playlist, a column where we come up with a playlist for an extremely specific moment in our lives, and yours.

The scene is this: You’re fresh off the red line after crushing your well-thought-out to-do list: Using the last of the money on your account to buy intersectional feminist literature and stopping by the coffee shop to feed your fix. It’s summer. Your only priority is to avoid bettering your artistic practice. You’re waiting at the crosswalk when a scruffy little doggo jogs past you, followed by the hysterical screams of said doggo’s presumed owner.  You quickly pull out your headphones and punch play on one of your dope playlists; the ensuing scene demands a soundtrack.

 

“Im Yr Dog” – Richie Woods

You’re walking down the street after a successful bookstore and coffee shop run with your best friend, who has graciously offered to carry your fresh-from-the-store feminist literature for you. This is a good, chill day when suddenly a small dog crosses your path and across the street next to you (with the walk signal, no less). You are surprisingly unsurprised by this development, until the dog’s owner approaches in pursuit.

“That dog is on the loose!” you think to yourself.

 

“My Hero” – Foo Fighters

As soon as this thought occurs to you, your best friend drops both their own latte and your feminist literature onto the sidewalk, without ceremony, to chase the run-away dog. The dog’s owner continues to scream. You continue to observe.

 

“Who Let the Dogs Out” – Baha Men

Standing over your books and a somehow still-intact latte in the middle of the sidewalk, you allow yourself to not only wonder why you own this song, but how this event happened in the first place. The dog still has its collar on. The owner is holding the leash. What kind of Houdini nonsense did this dog pull to find itself at the cusp of freedom, hiding in a Divvy bike rack as your bestie slowly approaches it. You have a lot of respect for both of them in this moment.

 

“I Won’t Say (I’m In Love)” – Susan Egan, The Muses

Another interloper trying to catch this dog scares it out of the Divvy bike rack, but this is no ordinary dog.  This is an escape artist in the guise of a pup. Instead of running toward your bestie, the dog runs directly into traffic to cross the street again. The owner lets out a blood-curdling scream. You are certain you are about to see something that will scar everyone there for the rest of their lives. The dog, however, makes it across the street.our bestie takes off after it once again.

 

“Born to Run” – Bruce Springsteen

Your best friend disappears around a corner down the block after the dog.  You are alone with feminist literature at your feet and a latte in your hand. People don’t seem bothered by having to walk around you.

 

“Sometimes I Wish I Were a Boy” – Lesley Gore

You briefly have to remember that your best friend is gay, and so are you. It’s like some sort of reverse heterosexual witchcraft. You fall in love, and your heart is broken by this fact once again, all in the time it takes that terrier to run one city block.

 

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” – U2

Time goes by. Is this how Penelope felt waiting for Odysseus? You decide you shouldn’t just stand in the middle of the sidewalk, and move your latte, your friend’s latte, and your books to a nearby planter. You sit and wait. Time continues to go by. You think, surely by now the dog has been caught. You are wrong.. You call your friend. They lost sight of the dog and are heading back as the trail has gone cold. Like any other twelve year old closeted gay kid on their class field trip to see “Hamilton,” this terrier somehow managed to escape to Boystown without the supervision of adults.

 

“Was He Slow?” – Kid Koala

It’s going to take a while for them to get back. You’ve finished your latte, and you consider drinking theirs too. You’re a good kid though — and devil behind the wheel — and you know they will need a drink when they get back. You consider buying some whiskey to toss in.

 

“Heroes” – David Bowie

Finally, you see them coming down the street. They’re far away but you recognize them by their gait. You stand, like they do in the movies, to watch and wait for your hero to return.

 

“Dog Days Are Over” – Florence + The Machine

When you’re finally reunited, your friend is thankful for the latte waiting for them and still insists on carrying your books for you. It seems like dog days are over indeed. Everyone leaves the day feeling triumphant: You, your friend carrying “Men Explain Things to Me” and a cool latte, and the dog, free at last.

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