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Imprudence: An SAIC Relationship Advice Column

By Entertainment


Sex Columnist Fanny Newsome Makes the Mistakes
So You Don’t Have To

This month, 20 QUESTIONS:

My goal is to answer your questions as quickly and concisely as possible. While it’s always important to be comfortable with the gray areas of life, sometimes we need to get the testicles rolling. We need a cut and dry answer. We need to pick a card.

Here we go:

1. Female, 20: Are discount home pregnancy tests just as reliable as the fancy pharmacy ones?

A: Some tests are better than others regardless of the price. Also, everyone’s body is different—some women will have enough pregnancy hormones early on to get accurate results and some will not. You should note that some tests are expired and still sold in stores which can result in an unsettling testing experience. Once the line in my pregnancy test was so faint, I debated buying a magnifying glass. The tests I recommend are First Response and CVS Brand. Remember to take the test in the morning when you wake up, when your urine is dense. Also, taking the test about a week after your missed period makes for more accurate results.

2. Female, 21: Is there any really reliable way to NOT get HPV?

A: You just have use a condom correctly. Or not have sex, which we all know isn’t an option. Women and people with female genitals take on the physical burden of HPV and most sexually transmitted diseases (thanks for nothing GOD). Get tested regularly, talk to your doctor about the HPV shots available, and schedule regular pap smears.

(Men, there are HPV shots available for you too. Talk to your doctor.)

3. Male, 25: Do asexual people masturbate?

A: People of all types masturbate. Masturbation isn’t always about concrete sexual attraction

4.Female, 23:  Can I get pregnant from pre-cum.


5. Female, 20: Does Mountain Dew really deplete your sperm count?

A: No. But excessive caffeine and Yellow 57 are not great for your bod. Try to incorporate salad into your diet. Maybe feed kale to your sex partner, naked! Kale and kum, yum.

6. Female, 20: What does ‘throw the pussy like it’s famous’ really mean?

A: I think it means that you are desired by many, have cash to make it rain, and have many hot sexual partners. It also may mean that you fuck so good that you’re famous for it.

7. Female, 19: Does the best love actually come from a thug?

A. Some of us are attracted to people who are dangerous. Just make sure he/she doesn’t force you to rob a bank, steal, or murder. Let them do the thuggin’, and you can do the humpin’.

8. Female, 25:  How can I prevent queefing?

A. Queefing happens. Embrace the queef. Don’t let the excess air being pushed out of your vagina make you stressed. If someone makes you feel ashamed about queefing, dump them immediately.

9.Female, 26: How do I clean my vibrator? Can I put it in the dishwasher? Mine is called “The Dolphin” and I thought it was waterproof, but it turns out it isn’t…

A: Buy a spray bottle and mix one part white vinegar or lemon juice, and eight parts water. Spray your vibrator and wipe with a damp cloth.

10. Female, 21: I’m a lesbian. Do I need to see a gynecologist?


11. Female, 23: If I put a condom in a banana, can I masturbate with it?

A: Yes! You can even eat the banana after.

12. Male, 22: Is butt crack the new cleavage?

A. No.

13. Male, 21: Can you masturbate too much?

A: Unfortunately, yes. If a woman masturbates too much it may result in soreness, redness or irritation. BUT if a man masturbates too much, the dangers are much worse: hair loss, fatigue, testicular pain, impotence and seminal leakage to name a few. If you are obsessively masturbating and do not know how to stop, see your doctor.

14.Female, 20: If I think Walter Massey is cute, should I tell him?

A: No. Keep it professional.

15.Female, 19: Where does the term ‘Aunt Flo’ come from.

A. There’s an article in Cosmo magazine that says members of the CIA made up the phrase during World War II as code for “Having sex with a woman on her period.” But Cosmopolitan is also a bullshit magazine that promotes generalized stereotypes of hyper sexualized hetero-normative behaviors. So, I don’t know. Get back to me on this.

16. Male, 22: If my boyfriend hasn’t made concrete plans to see me in two weeks but he texts me all the time, what’s going on?

A. Dump him.

17. Male, 19:  A few days ago my boyfriend grabbed the excess skin on my stomach and started to mime it as a steering wheel and drive it as a joke?

A: DUMP him.

18. Female, 19: I just found out my boyfriend is a republican?

A: Tough one…dump him.

19. Female, 20: I found a photo of my sister in my boyfriends bag?

A: Dump him.

20. Female, 18: My boyfriend is pressuring me to…let him pee in my butt?

A: Dump him.


Bonus question:

21. Male, 22: I came on my girlfriends face without asking. I feel really bad, but she is still so mad. What do I do!

A: Tell her I told her to dump you.

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