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Tip Sheet: What Your Condom Says About You

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When it comes to safe sex, you’ve got options.
In fact, you’ve got so many options, even your options have options. Case in point: condoms.
One stroll through the “Sexual Health” aisle at the local pharmacy will leave kaleidoscopic
visions of jimmy hats and love gloves dancing in your head.

Not many people realize it, but when there’s a big selection at hand,
a choice becomes a defining statement, like a drink order. So when
you’re making that mad dash to secure the final
element between a sure thing and a night of
relating to “Forever Alone” memes, make
sure to keep the following list in mind.

Lambskin These little doozies eschew the modern advances in synthetics (latex, polyurethane and an assortment of hypoallergenic alternatives) for a natural material – sheep intestines. So if you’re hopelessly nostalgic or fashionably old-fashioned, maybe it’s time to add a whole new level of crusty, granola weirdness to your sex life. Verdict: Remember “Lamb Chop’s Play-Along?” Now it’s even creepier.

Ribbed for Her Pleasure The world is rife with advertising gimmicks. Some are good, most are bad, but some hit that awkward spot right in the middle, which is inhabited by light beer and the Shake Weight. “Ribbed for Her Pleasure” condoms make easy neighbors with their phallic/flavorless friends since, really, what good could a few rows of latex speedbumps really do? Verdict: Thoughtful, but naive. Invest in a “Pleasure Ring” just for good measure.

Ribbed for Her Pleasure (flipped inside-out) So, not only did you buy in to the marketing, but you’ve managed to completely negate an honorable mindset of sexual altruism. Nice. Your business is yours, I suppose. Just don’t try this with Durex Performax or Trojan Extended Pleasure – condoms with numbing agents in the lubricant – unless you’re in the mood for some awkward pillow talk. Verdict: “Is it in yet?”

Spray-on At first glance, spray-on condoms seem like a neat, futuristic idea that pushes the concept of non-intrusiveness and the “perfect fit” towards a new ideal. In reality, it’s a horror show of high-priced latex refills and applicator capsules you stick your dick into. The real deal-breaker, however, is that it takes two to three minutes to dry – just enough time to field a few inevitable questions and kill the mood entirely. Verdict: The “pinch-and-roll” is quick, quiet and simple. The “insert-spray-spray-spray-wait” is none of those things.

Flavored Why don’t they make BBQ or Cool Ranch flavored condoms? Because that would be gross, plain and simple. Strawberry, banana and fruit punch, however, are all covered. There’s a line there that shouldn’t be crossed. I guess there’s not a lot of room for growth, innovation or savory flavors in the artificial dong -flavoring market. Verdict: For fans of the sting of Hot Cheetos or the pucker of Sour Punch Straws, this might add a bit of the same strange kick to your bedroom pursuits.

Magnum XL C’mon, who are you kidding? Verdict: Dream on, Casanova.

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