November 3rd, 2011
A study released on the New York Times Health Blog reports that women who consume a few drinks a week are more likely to develop breast cancer. This comes as a shock to those who were over consuming red wine as a means of preventing heart disease and obesity.
Further studies reveal that no matter how much wine, beet, avocado, tobacco or cocaine is consumed, homo sapiens still maintain a 100% mortality rate, +/- 80 years.**
**Though there is substantial evidence that certain behaviors will hasten the onset of mortality, including but not limited to: hard drug use, smoking, drinking too much alcohol/coffee/energy drink and driving, not looking before crossing Michigan Avenue, eating all the Halloween candy in your newsroom, experimenting with explosive technology, picking fights with humans who are 2-3 times your size, taunting wild animals with your expensive steak dinner, taunting Occupy Wall St with your expensive steak dinner, posting embarrassing photos of your significant other on Facebook, traveling to nations that are “code red”,playing William Tell with your significant other, etc.